Two Years Today

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Ever since this month of February started, I have not been able to stop thinking about Asma and the day she passed away. Before, when everytime February would come, I would be reminded of how I am one year older as my birthday is on February 7th. However, now Im reminded of the last days of Asma's life.

I still remember what she was doing on February 7th. I still remember how she was struggling to breathe and constantly coughing. I clearly remember what I was doing the night before she passed away. I also remember what was happening on the morning of February 11th, shortly before she passed away.

To read in detail about the day she passed away, read this entry which I composed soon after she passed away: Friday, February 11th 2005: day Asma passed away.

Lately, shes been on my mind more than usual. I guess its because the more trials I go through, it reminds me of Asma since she was always there to talk to me and help me get through it. When everyone spread rumors and believed lies, Asma trusted me and knew I was free from the accusations.

Its been two years today and everything is exactly the same as it was the day she passed away. Her clothes are still hanging in her closet. Her shoe is still in the same place as it was the day she passed away. Every single thing of hers.

I dont plan on getting rid of them. My whole family doesnt want to get rid of her belongings. How can we?

People tell us that we should get rid of it and move on. They have told us over and over that we shouldnt hold on to it and need to move on and live life.

But how can we get rid of her stuff? Why? For what? Its not like we worship it or think having them around will keep her alive and bring her soul into this house. No. I sometimes sleep with her little blanket next to me. I just keep it by me when I go to sleep.

I even have her hospital bracelet and even her prescriptions stored away safely. Im keeping them too.

I hate it when people say we need to move on. What on earth are they talking about? Its not like we are mourning 24/7 and have given up everything in this world. We go to work and school. We take care of the things that need to be done at home. We arent sitting in our rooms doing crying all the time.

I can clearly see Asma in my mind. I can imagine her laughing endlessly and speaking in her soft voice. I remember her smiles and her witty comments. I remember how she looked when she would dress up. Subhana'Allah I dont think I have forgotten anything of hers. I remember every single thing, both good and bad times. I remember good times like when she would smile and have fun at parties and I remember bad times like when she was at the hospital or be at home in pain. No matter how hard I try to forget the bad times, I cant. I occasionally have flashbacks of her when she was ill.

Its one more day without her. Its been two years without her. I dont know hard its going to get as times goes on. People say you will forget her as time goes by. Thats not true. We will always miss her deeply. Always.

I dont know how may parents do it. Wallah they have so much courage and strength to deal with this. I dont know what it is like to lose a child nor do I want to know. My parents have changed after Asma passed away. Actually, they started to change since Asma became ill. It has taken a toll on my parents health.

This is hard. I wish I can hug Asma and kiss her one more time... :'(

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah elevate her status to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents and give them the highest status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah give my family sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah keep us on the straight path and take our souls as Believers. Amen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.