Just Once More...

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Its been almost two years since Asma passed away. It may seem like a long time, but its still fresh in our minds. I still have dreams of her. I always ask Allah Subhanawata'ala to bring Asma in my dreams. It will always be my wish, to see her once more. I remember after we prayed Salatul Janazah, we opened her casket and shroud to see her one last time. I remember I kissed her on the cheek. They were waiting for me to move so they can cover her once again and shut the casket. I wouldnt remove my lips from her cheek. I knew it would be the last time and I would always want to kiss her once more.

Thats how it is with my dreams. I ask Allah to show me Asma in my dreams. And everytime I see her in my dreams, I beg to see Asma once more...one last time. But I know that "one last time" will never end. Rather, it will always be "one last time."

When I have dreams of her, they are either flashbacks or dreams where I can see shes enjoying her time. She appears to be very happy.

Sometimes shes in a body of a newborn with her face when she was older. Sometimes she appears lifeless, but smiling and has droplets of water all over and is clean as a baby.

But when I have flashbacks, I have dreams where old, painful memories begin to come back. Many times I find myself waking up with tears all over my face and pillow. Other times I wake up all of a sudden in a panic mode.

I hate having flashbacks. They are about the times she went through and the conditions she was in. Wallah it really does feel like its happening all over again. Thats how real it seems. Thats how real it feels. Sometimes in my dreams I feel like tearing my heart out. And after I wake up, I have that same feeling for a while.

I really dont know nor can I imagine what my parents go through. Wallah I admire them.

I knew people have flashbacks, but I didnt know it would be this bad. I can even hear screams and plea for help in my flashbacks. I can even see my parents and know how they feel in my flasbacks. Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep in fear of having those flashbacks again.

But if I have to go through 50 flashbacks just to have one good dream where she is smiling and having fun and smelling so sweet, I'd do it.

Every single day I ask Allah Subhanawata'la to show me Asma once more. Just once more...

May Allah reunite us with Asma in the Akhirah. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents greatly for what they went through and are going through. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and take our souls as Believers. Ameen
May Allah show me and my family once more in our dreams. Ameen
May Allah save us from having flashbacks. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.