Three Years and Nine Days

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Three years and nine days. That is how much time has passed since Asma passed away. However, it seems like yesterday that she left us.

We don't anything to commemorate her death as it is not from the Sunnah to do so. It isn't like we go out of the way to do something out of the ordinary on the anniversary of her death. However, it is only natural to think about her more than any other day.

I remember last Monday (on the 11th) I was just sitting there recollecting the events that took place. It was scary. My heart beats fast whenever I do that. I feel like I would burst into tears any second. My eyes feel heavy along with my whole body.

I was thinking about what had happened since the morning of her death to the time of her burial. It is pretty strange how I get scared and nervous thinking about the day she died and was buried. I don't know why. Honestly, ever since I wrote the posts about the day she passed away and the day she was buried, I haven't been able to go back to read it. I just cannot do it. No matter how hard I try, I am unable to read it. Three years later, I still can't do it. I'm afraid. I'm afraid how I actually go through the events in detail. It is one thing to remember those times and it is another thing to actually read it and remember the events.

I have kind of blocked it out in my head. It is in the back of my mind. I can't think about it nor do I want to. It'd be too much for me to handle. As I sit here thinking, I cannot understand how my family (especially parents) and I actually went through that time. If I were to experience the same thing now, I'm not so sure if I would be able to do everything all over again. Maybe its my fear...

Just a while ago, my mother was looking at old pictures and reading old letters that she had stored in a little container. In there were pictures of Asma when she was a baby (probably a year old - maybe younger). It brought a smile to my face while wanting to cry inside. It brought back old memories. I wanted to pinch her cheeks and hold her tightly and kiss her all over.

Insha'Allah I will scan it and post it up here soon. She has a smile ear to ear. Very beautiful picture.

As I was looking at the pictures, all of a sudden my mother started to cry as she covered her eyes. What do you really say to your mother who has lost a child? What can you say? What should you say? I really don't know.

Three years later, it still is very tender. Three years later, the wound still hasn't healed. It never will.

She is history now. Her chapter closed three years ago. Done.

All we have now are memories. Unfortunately, some of those memories are not so good.

I don't know what to say anymore as Im losing myself in thoughts of Asma. I will be back soon to post again. I just can't think anymore.

I miss my little Asma.

May Allah reunite us once again with Asma. Ameen
May Allah bless her Soul and elevate her status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents greatly and give them complete shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah send Asma in our dreams so we can have a sense of peace in our hearts. Ameen
May Allah keep us all firm upon the truth and take our Souls as Believers. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.