Visiting Asma

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I had to run some errands today for my mom. Since I didnt have school today, I got stuff done during the day. One of the places I had to go was near Asma. It was about 10-15 min away from the cemetery.

On the way back, I stopped by Asma. Subhana'Allah, everytime I go, the mood changes. Its depressing. Its saddening. I may be smiling or talking normally prior to visiting her. Even up to the time where I am pulling into the cemetery, I will be okay (or atleast look okay). However, all of a sudden, my facial expression will change. I feel like I have a lifeless look on my face. Most of the time, I will be quiet.

Anyways, I will go in towards her grave. The pathway is literally 3-5 feet away from where her grave is. When I get out and actually sit/stand next to her grave, it feels so wierd.

I mean, wow, Asma is actually gone. Shes buried. Shes not here. Subhana'Allah.

I will look down into the ground and actually realize shes only inches below me. Shes so far away, yet so close. I try to imagine what she looks like. I try to imagine if she is still the same as she was before her burial.

As strange as it may sound, many times I wonder if her body has decomposed. All these questions come to my mind. I become so curious...so helpless. I just want to see her.

I know it sounds bizarre, but many times I feel like digging up her grave again and opening up her casket and uncovering her kafn (shroud) so I can see her one more time.

Yeah, it sounds very strange and odd, but I think like that. I just want to hold her one more time. Touch her one more time. Kiss her one more time. :'(

I try to imagine what she would be doing at the moment. Im thinking what shes doing right now.

I think about what she would be doing when I go visit her. I try to imagine her responding to my Salaam in the same manner she used to respond to my Salaam when she was here.

She used to have this sweet, tender voice full of life. Subhana'Allah.

Everyday I look at her bed. Its empty. :(

I know it may sound wierd, but I cannot sit on her bed. I just dont feel comfortable. I feel like I will hurt her by sitting on top of her. I know this has no meaning and is completely false, but I still have that feeling.

If anyone notices, they will see that even if I accidentally sit on her bed, I will get up right away and sit on the floor. Strange, I know.

I feel like Im going nuts. I cant imagine what my parents go through. Wow Subhana'Allah.

May Allah reward my parents for thier patience. Ameen

I just miss her presence. I miss the way she used to call my name and tell me to do things. If I do live for another 50 years, how will I do it? Its only been nine months and feel like I cant take it anymore.

Damn I miss her. :'(

Hmmm, Subhana'Allah.

May Allah raise Asma's level in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah grant my parents sabr, happiness and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah give the rest of the family sabr. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.