This blog is all about my little sister, Asma, who lost her life in the battle against cancer on February 11, 2005 at the age of 12.

All About My Baby Sister, Asma

Feel free to pass this blog along to others, Insha'Allah. (To read the very first post/entry, click on "February 2005" under "Archives" and scroll all the way to the bottom and you should see the first entry). Please keep my parents and family in your dua'as. Jazak'Allah. May Allah reward all of you and keep you guys on the straight path. Ameen May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Visiting Asma

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I had to run some errands today for my mom. Since I didnt have school today, I got stuff done during the day. One of the places I had to go was near Asma. It was about 10-15 min away from the cemetery.

On the way back, I stopped by Asma. Subhana'Allah, everytime I go, the mood changes. Its depressing. Its saddening. I may be smiling or talking normally prior to visiting her. Even up to the time where I am pulling into the cemetery, I will be okay (or atleast look okay). However, all of a sudden, my facial expression will change. I feel like I have a lifeless look on my face. Most of the time, I will be quiet.

Anyways, I will go in towards her grave. The pathway is literally 3-5 feet away from where her grave is. When I get out and actually sit/stand next to her grave, it feels so wierd.

I mean, wow, Asma is actually gone. Shes buried. Shes not here. Subhana'Allah.

I will look down into the ground and actually realize shes only inches below me. Shes so far away, yet so close. I try to imagine what she looks like. I try to imagine if she is still the same as she was before her burial.

As strange as it may sound, many times I wonder if her body has decomposed. All these questions come to my mind. I become so curious...so helpless. I just want to see her.

I know it sounds bizarre, but many times I feel like digging up her grave again and opening up her casket and uncovering her kafn (shroud) so I can see her one more time.

Yeah, it sounds very strange and odd, but I think like that. I just want to hold her one more time. Touch her one more time. Kiss her one more time. :'(

I try to imagine what she would be doing at the moment. Im thinking what shes doing right now.

I think about what she would be doing when I go visit her. I try to imagine her responding to my Salaam in the same manner she used to respond to my Salaam when she was here.

She used to have this sweet, tender voice full of life. Subhana'Allah.

Everyday I look at her bed. Its empty. :(

I know it may sound wierd, but I cannot sit on her bed. I just dont feel comfortable. I feel like I will hurt her by sitting on top of her. I know this has no meaning and is completely false, but I still have that feeling.

If anyone notices, they will see that even if I accidentally sit on her bed, I will get up right away and sit on the floor. Strange, I know.

I feel like Im going nuts. I cant imagine what my parents go through. Wow Subhana'Allah.

May Allah reward my parents for thier patience. Ameen

I just miss her presence. I miss the way she used to call my name and tell me to do things. If I do live for another 50 years, how will I do it? Its only been nine months and feel like I cant take it anymore.

Damn I miss her. :'(

Hmmm, Subhana'Allah.

May Allah raise Asma's level in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah grant my parents sabr, happiness and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah give the rest of the family sabr. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

6 Comments:

  • At Wednesday, November 23, 2005 11:14:00 PM, Blogger Hijabi4Life said…

    subhanAllah. :'(

    it doesn't get easier with time, I sometimes think it gets harder. At my grandparents house, nobody sits on my grandmother's bed or in her chair either. it doesn't feel right to do that.

    and there is a bizarre, depressing sort of confusion and emptiness when you go see a deceased relative or loved one at the cemetery. I also find that it's such a calm, quiet place...leaves you with all those thoughts and questions...

    may Allah swt give you something great as a reward for your patience and suffering. May He bestow you with health, happiness, and prosperity in life and grant you and your family Jannah in the Akhirah, so you can be reunited with your doll. Ameen

    :'(

     
  • At Thursday, November 24, 2005 12:04:00 PM, Anonymous Saimah said…

    Salaam,

    Just know that Asma is being taken care of and Allah will give you the strength to live your life as it was meant to be lived.

    All you need is more time. Time heals everything.

    May Allah reunite you with Asma once again. Ameen
    May Allah reward you and your family. Ameen

     
  • At Saturday, November 26, 2005 12:09:00 AM, Anonymous Tariq said…

    Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

    Hey bro I know exactly what your going through. I lost my brother about four years ago and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. It's normal to have questions about the deceased. You want to know what they're doing and what they look like. But it DOES get easier with time. I don't know what Hijabi4life is talking about. It doesn't make sense for someone to have lost a loved one and then it be harder to get over them as time progresses.

    Four years later it is only NOW that I am able to talk about him. The day after he died and the months and years that followed were very hard. But with time everything gets a little easier because you realize that this was the way it was meant to be.

    I think Saimah said it best.

    Take care. Be strong. All you can do is pray.

    (I am also from IL what city do you live in?)

    Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh

     
  • At Saturday, November 26, 2005 1:44:00 AM, Blogger Hijabi4Life said…

    tariq- I'm sorry to hear about your brother. inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon.

    of course you're more than entitled to your own opinion. :)
    I just meant that not everyone deals with grief the same way. for some it gets easier and for others, it gets harder. it depends on the circumstances.

     
  • At Monday, December 19, 2005 5:55:00 AM, Anonymous Sadi said…

    Salam brother,

    May Allah raise Asma's level in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
    May Allah grant your parents sabr, happiness and shiffa. Ameen
    May Allah reward your parents. Ameen
    May Allah reunite you and your family with Asma once again. Ameen
    May Allah give the rest of the family sabr. Ameen

    I've never lost a family member before, until three weeks ago, i lost my aunt, she had cancer too,
    and i feel the same, i would give anything to see her again, give her a hug one last time. Visiting her grave was so hard, I couldnt believe she was there, i wanted her to wake up, I feel so helpless and i miss her so much but the fact that im never gonna see here again is what hurts the most... May Allah forgive and grant her Jannah Ameen

     
  • At Monday, January 23, 2006 11:09:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    wallah ur post made me cry.. cuz it jus reminds me of how it was like visitng my granny's grave when my dad use to drive by there.. wallah its the same thing... i use want to see her jus one more time.. i use to wonder what she looks like at present time... and if she still looks like the same person..you its been one year and maybe one month since my granny died.. and up till today i still cry with memories of her...

    May Allah swt make it easy for u..ameen

     

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