This blog is all about my little sister, Asma, who lost her life in the battle against cancer on February 11, 2005 at the age of 12.

All About My Baby Sister, Asma

Feel free to pass this blog along to others, Insha'Allah. (To read the very first post/entry, click on "February 2005" under "Archives" and scroll all the way to the bottom and you should see the first entry). Please keep my parents and family in your dua'as. Jazak'Allah. May Allah reward all of you and keep you guys on the straight path. Ameen May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen

Monday, August 22, 2005

Flashbacks

Assalaamualaikum,

Yup, cant avoid it. School has started again. Its my first day back. I came on and decided to blog because I needed a break and could no longer concentrate.

I have flashbacks of my sister all the time. I have them while Im driving, eating, sleeping, talking, etc. I have them anytime and everytime.

I somehow am able to move on and ignore my flashbacks even when I relive the past in my dreams and nightmares. Sometimes I find myself crying in my sleep, but manage to move on and continue to live.

However, today is different. It all started when I left my house in the morning and got on the highway en route to my school. It was all coming back. I was driving the same van, Toyota Previa, which we specifically bought for Asma, that I sometimes drove to school and to take my sister around in. I was listening to Quran on the CD that I have burned with one of the Surahs being al-Hujarat (same one thats playing in the background in this blog). The morning was nice and crisp with the sun shining. Cant forget the morning dew. It was the same scene as it was five to seven months ago.

That was on my way to school. Once I got to school, it was still the same. I took the same 20 minute walk from my car to the campus. I would think of Asma each and every second. I remember how I used to think of Asma and wondered how she would be feeling while walking to the campus.

Earlier today when I was studying and going over my notes, Asma popped into my head and I was reminded me of her again. I couldnt focus anymore so I decided to come and blog.

I remember how 7 months ago, everyday after class, I would call home and check to see how Asma was doing. I wanted to know if she was having a hard time breathing and whether she was hooked up to the breathing tube and the nebulizer once again or if she was "stable."

Upon hearing about her situation, I would either panic which would cause my heart to beat faster or I would take a deep breath and have a brief celebration and feel a little relieved. There were many times when I thought it would be her last breath.

When going home from school today, I kept thinking of her. I thought about how during her last days when I would come home from school, she would be in bed with her eyes closed hooked up to a breathing tube as she struggled to breathe. She would open her eyes whenever she felt she had enough energy.

Everyday was almost the same. It became more like a routine.

Oh Subhana'Allah, its so hard to be reminded of the feeling that I had experienced when Princess Asma was sick especially during her last days.

I dont want anything that would remind me of it again. I dread going near or even passing a funeral home. Im even afraid of looking at a hearse (the funeral home car). Heck, I dont even feel like going to the masjid where her Salat-ul-Janazah was held. :'(

No matter how hard I try or what I do, I cant avoid those flashbacks. :(

Oh Allah, please protect me flashbacks and thoughts that remind me of the pain and suffering Asma and the rest of the family went through. Ameen.

Oh Allah, please give my parents and the rest of my family shiffa and sabr. Ameen.

Oh Allah, please reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum.

6 Comments:

  • At Tuesday, August 23, 2005 12:06:00 AM, Blogger Hijabi4Life said…

    :'(

    It's ironic...sometimes you live your life fearing that as each day goes by, as time goes on and things around you change and you get older, that you'll forget about all the memories you had...and you want nothing more than to hold onto those memories, so desperately...

    but at the same time, these same memories haunt you and never seem to leave you alone...:'(
    even when part of you wants peace and comfort, they come back :(

     
  • At Thursday, August 25, 2005 2:19:00 PM, Anonymous Komal Magsi said…

    Assalamu Alaikum,
    inna lilahi wa inna ilayhi rajiun

    May Asma be united with her family again.

    May Allah make this time easy on your family.

    Sometimes ... the events that take place in our lives happen so that we become closer to Allah. Its a difficult concept to grasp...

    Walaykum Salaam.

     
  • At Saturday, August 27, 2005 11:35:00 AM, Blogger Nuralhuda said…

    I wasnt aware this blog existed till today.

    "Verily Allah is with the patient"

    Peace.

     
  • At Thursday, September 08, 2005 4:27:00 PM, Blogger Niqabi said…

    when i go to my sisters grave, it isnt as painful, b/c i believe insh'allah that her grave is wide and open.

    A window of jannah is open in her grave so she feel the breeze of paradise.

    think so, and insh'allah your heart will be at ease.

    even when i go to her grave, i don feel her there, i feel her in my heart.

    ws.

     
  • At Thursday, February 16, 2006 1:58:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    im crying reading ur blogs...sabhanallah...your very strong mashallah. reading this made me feel grateful even when trials are occuring. may allah swt put u in the highest of jannah with ur family and princess asmaa. i love her for the sake of allah wallahi..may we all have sabr like she did! ameen thuma ameen!

     
  • At Thursday, February 16, 2006 2:00:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    la yukalifullahu nafsan illa wus3aha,

     

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