Flashbacks

Assalaamualaikum,

Yup, cant avoid it. School has started again. Its my first day back. I came on and decided to blog because I needed a break and could no longer concentrate.

I have flashbacks of my sister all the time. I have them while Im driving, eating, sleeping, talking, etc. I have them anytime and everytime.

I somehow am able to move on and ignore my flashbacks even when I relive the past in my dreams and nightmares. Sometimes I find myself crying in my sleep, but manage to move on and continue to live.

However, today is different. It all started when I left my house in the morning and got on the highway en route to my school. It was all coming back. I was driving the same van, Toyota Previa, which we specifically bought for Asma, that I sometimes drove to school and to take my sister around in. I was listening to Quran on the CD that I have burned with one of the Surahs being al-Hujarat (same one thats playing in the background in this blog). The morning was nice and crisp with the sun shining. Cant forget the morning dew. It was the same scene as it was five to seven months ago.

That was on my way to school. Once I got to school, it was still the same. I took the same 20 minute walk from my car to the campus. I would think of Asma each and every second. I remember how I used to think of Asma and wondered how she would be feeling while walking to the campus.

Earlier today when I was studying and going over my notes, Asma popped into my head and I was reminded me of her again. I couldnt focus anymore so I decided to come and blog.

I remember how 7 months ago, everyday after class, I would call home and check to see how Asma was doing. I wanted to know if she was having a hard time breathing and whether she was hooked up to the breathing tube and the nebulizer once again or if she was "stable."

Upon hearing about her situation, I would either panic which would cause my heart to beat faster or I would take a deep breath and have a brief celebration and feel a little relieved. There were many times when I thought it would be her last breath.

When going home from school today, I kept thinking of her. I thought about how during her last days when I would come home from school, she would be in bed with her eyes closed hooked up to a breathing tube as she struggled to breathe. She would open her eyes whenever she felt she had enough energy.

Everyday was almost the same. It became more like a routine.

Oh Subhana'Allah, its so hard to be reminded of the feeling that I had experienced when Princess Asma was sick especially during her last days.

I dont want anything that would remind me of it again. I dread going near or even passing a funeral home. Im even afraid of looking at a hearse (the funeral home car). Heck, I dont even feel like going to the masjid where her Salat-ul-Janazah was held. :'(

No matter how hard I try or what I do, I cant avoid those flashbacks. :(

Oh Allah, please protect me flashbacks and thoughts that remind me of the pain and suffering Asma and the rest of the family went through. Ameen.

Oh Allah, please give my parents and the rest of my family shiffa and sabr. Ameen.

Oh Allah, please reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum.