My Random Thoughts

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

So today I got a phone call from Brian whom we met while we were in Mexico for Asma's treatment.

Subhana'Allah it brought back so many memories. I felt like crying while on the phone. Plus my mom was there so I just held it in.

Wallah all the memories were coming back to me. Everything from morning time till night time, everything was in my mind again.

I miss her pretty smile on her glowing face, sweet giggles, funny laughs, witty comments and her the warmth she used to give out.

People became very close to Asma. They used to look at Asma for courage and strength. Im not even exaggerating. They would turn to Asma and tell her how much she has helped them during trying times.

They would tell Asma that they were ashamed of themselves because they had given up where Asma who was 12 years old, had given all that she had.

Even on the phone Brian remembered that Asma put up a good fight against cancer. They knew about Asma and how she had patience, courage and how she resilient she was. Subhana'Allah.

They loved her so much that Brian and Sherry got Asma presents out of nowhere. Also, Brian's mother in law (Sherry's mother) made a blanket, gloves, winter cap and muffler for Asma. Asma used them even during her last days.

Asma was one who had captured many hearts all around the world. Even if they met only once, people would call back and write to her asking about her.

I cant even look at her pictures let alone watch her videos. It makes me cry if I stumble upon her pictures. Her movies are somewhere collecting dust. I have no intention of watching them either. Maybe I will never watch them. I will just give them to my wife and kids Insha'Allah to watch one day so they know who she was. I dont know.

I've been having flashbacks of Asma more than ever. I dont know why. Sometimes those flashbacks are more like nightmares. I wake up worried and sometimes crying. There are times I cry in my sleep.

I dont want to mention those nightmares/flashbacks. When Im actually having them, its like its happening all over again. So scary.

Man whenever I think about the stuff she has gone through, I still cant even imagine how she did it. I mean how? How is it even possible for a little girl like her to go through what she went through.

No one can even imagine. Even if I tried to describe the images, no one still will ever be able to picture it and realize what she went through.

Hell, even I cant and I was there to witness the pain and suffering that she endured.

Maybe one day I will describe her experiences, but right now, I dont think I can.

Im going to post up pictures of her room, toys, clothes, and even her medicine cabinet that is still there, Insha'Allah. Everything is still there. Most of the stuff is untouched. Even her shoe is still there ever since she last wore it. Its been almost 14 months and no one even tried to move it. I dont think they will either.

God I miss her...

Hmm well Im going to end this here.

May Allah elevate her status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with her once again. Ameen
May Allah forgive us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah give my parents shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah give my family shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah reward all the parents who have lost child(ren) and grant them Jannah. Ameen
Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Reminder: Death

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

So today after my dad and I got some groceries, we went to visit Asma.

Subhana'Allah everytime I go there, it brings back memories of the day when we buried her. Everything from her ghusl to her Janazah to the procession to the moment she was getting buried.

It was so sad and heartbreaking. Even now I cant really believe it that she is gone. World feels so empty. Wierd. Tasteless. Lost interest in the dunya (I guess thats a good thing).

There is a new grave by Asma's grave. Its the third grave in the Muslim section. Asma was the second one there.

My dad and I both got out and stood by her grave. We quietly made dua'a and left after a few minutes.

Its such a sad thing. Its sad when you think about her and start missing her. Its sad when you think of the memories and her laughter and her sweet voice.

Its also scary. Its scary when you think about you we too will end up in that place. It can be in 10 years, 10 months, 10 weeks, 10 days, 10 hours, or 10 seconds...you never know. However each day, you are one day closer. Subhana'Allah.

Visiting her grave is a constant reminder. It hits harder not only because she was my baby sister, but also because I saw her pass away literally right in front of my eyes.

Death is near. Are we ready for it?

Asma was an amazing little girl. Subhana'Allah we were blessed to have her in our lives even if it was for a short time.

I learned a lot from her. I still learn from her whenever I think of/about her.

Whenever I go to her grave, I think about what she would be doing. I think if she would know Im there and if she can hear her. I think what would her reaction be when I visit her.

Shes preserved now. She has left this world while still a little kid.

Im 24 and counting...

Im not a sinless person. If I die now, what will happen to me?

Scary. Very scary to think about it...

I hope I die a Muslim...

May Allah elevate Asma's level in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma in the Akirah. Ameen
May Allah forgive us all and guide us all. Ameen
May Allah take us from this life while we are Muslims. Ameen
May Allah grant a spacious grave and save the people who passed away, from the fitnah of the grave and Akirah. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and family sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah reunite all the Muslims together in the Akirah. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

I love you...

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

There are a few things Id give up my life for...one of them was definately for Asma. There were times where people didnt treat her right or that she felt threatened.

There were times where Asma burst into tears or put her head down in grief.

Watching my sister shed tears or as she put her head down in sorrow broke my heart. It tore me apart into pieces. I would just wish I could trade places with her and give her happiness and take her broken heart away.

Asma always kept it inside and tried not to show it to anyone. She didnt want to put anyone through pain that she was going through. She felt like it was her problem and that no one else deserves to be put through her problems.

However, of course we, as a family, wouldnt let that happen. We would always be there for her and support her.

I personally would tell her I love her and would always be there for her. I always told her to tell me if ANYONE or ANYTHING is bothering her.

I always told her that I would knock anyone out that messes with her and makes her cry. She would start laughing, but took me seriously.

She knew I'd do anything for her no matter what happened. She knew I would put myself before her even if it meant getting hurt mentally and/or physically.

With all the pain she went through up until the last day of her life, one thing she always knew was that she had full family support from her parents and siblings. She knew she could count on us. She knew we loved her. She knew we cared for her.

I took pride in taking care of her and watching out for her. She truly was a pleasure to have in my life.

The fact that Asma knew she had full support and care and love from us, made her confident and enjoyed whatever time she had with us.

The reason why Im posting this is because I want everyone to think about their loved ones and to realize that our time in this life is short. We dont know when we may go. We dont know when our time may be up.

Try to spend as much time as possible with your loved ones before its too late. You will only have memories left when that person is gone. You cannot bring back time. You will only regret not spending time with that special person.

You will always cherish memories. I know, and so do all those people who have lost their loved ones.

For one more time, I wish I can tell us Asma, "I love you..."

:'(

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and family shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah open up our hearts and guide us all. Ameen
May Allah allow us to spend as much time possible with our loved ones. Ameen
May Allah forgive us all. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

A.S.M.A

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Masha'Allah it amazes me when I see what people actually do for fellow Muslims. We take the extra step to help others for the sake of Allah and out of love for each other. Masha'Allah.

I never realized how many hearts Asma touched. Its apparent that she touched many after reading emails and comments left on my blog.

I have been given another poem about Asma by a sister who comes to this blog often. Masha'Allah I loved it.

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Asma...

A beautiful name with a beautiful meaning...

Surely Asma was someone really precious and dear to me. Someone who I can never forget. Her love and patience strengthened me to become a better person.

Memories will always stay, tears will always fall...But the love that I still have for Asma cannot be described to all - I Pray and Hope that Allah has mercy on her sweet soul - Ameen -

And now that she has gone, left me all alone behind...I just wish I could hug and kiss my baby sister one last time...

- Muharibah -

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May Allah reward sister Muharibah for writing this poem. Ameen

May Allah keep her and all the Muslims on the straight path and forgive our sins. Ameen

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen

May Allah elevate Asmas status to the highest level in Jannah. Ameen

May Allah give us sabr and shiffa. Ameen

May Allah guide us all. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh

In Memory of Asma, Rahmatallahi'alayha

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I was going through my computer and found something that someone made for Asma shortly after she passed away.

Someone linked this to me from a forum. Subhana'Allah, I must say I got tears in my eyes when I read this.

May Allah reward whoever made this. Ameen.

By the way, if you know who made this, please let me know as I would like to contact that person, Insha'Allah.

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In Memory of
Asma,
rahmatallahi'alayha



Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Tears In Heaven by Eric Claptop

Yup, I miss her, very much. :'(

May Allah grant Asma the highest level in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and my family shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah reward whoever made this for Asma. Ameen
May Allah protect the Muslims and keep them on the straight path. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Thanking Allah...

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Its been almost 13 months since Asma passed away. I look back and think how the time went by so fast. It feels like yesterday when she passed away.

I sit and reflect on the things we, as a family, went through. Words cant even begin to describe it. The ear piercing screams that woke up the hospital floor to the traumatic events are left engraved in my mind.

I never really posted anything about her physical condition. I never really posted about what her wounds looked like nor did I post about how on a few occasions she was losing blood as if she had blood gushing out from a fountain...literally.

Many of you guys dont know that part of her and our life. There were family members that didnt even have the stomach to see her wounds. The odor of dried blood was something we got used to. The sight of her leg with a big hole with pieces of dead skin hanging over it wasnt something anyone could see. Not only that, you could see her tumor inside of her leg because the skin was gone and the insides of her leg were visible. Imagine what she went through.

Her whole back started to peel. You could see the fat that was underneath the skin because she became paralyzed and couldnt get off her back which kept oxygen from circulatng.

This is just a glimpse of what happened. This is nothing. If I ever told any of you guys the things Asma went through and what I saw, you would be left in tears.

Subhana'Allah, like I said, words cant describe it.

Despite all that, Asma always was thankful to Allah Subhanawatalaa for giving her other leg and giving her the ability to eat, sleep, see and hear.

How often do we take these things for granted? Wallahi Asma NEVER EVER complained. Yet, here I complain about petty little things. I used to get mad when people went around spreading rumors about me both online and real life. However, now I just think whats the point? Even if I do get down, I think of how I will be rewarded. I think how a little girl did it. That puts me to shame.

If she could, she would come dragging herself in the other room with one leg so she can pray with us in Jamaat. Allahu Akbar!

Lets stop and take a minute to think how much we take for granted? How often do thank Allah for everything? How hard do we try to please Allah despite the difficulties?

Subhana'Allah I feel like Im failing right now... :(

May Allah grant Asma the highest level in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once gain in the hereafter. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and family sabr. Ameen
May we be thankful to Allah for everything. Ameen
May Allah open up our hearts and clear them of evil and harm. Ameen
May Allah forgive us and keep us on the straigth path. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.