Asma and Abedullah As Our Reminders

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

So the other day I read some of the comments posted in my last entry by a fellow Muslim (dont know if it was a brother or sister who posted it) from my area. He/she mentioned a little 12 year old boy, Abedullah, had passed away just recently (I think last week on Thursday). The Salatul Janazah for him was held at the masjid I frequent.

Anyhow, the next day my dad mentioned to me he received an e-mail from somebody or from some mailing list that he is on. He told me it was about a 12 year old boy who died . I asked him if it was Abedullah and he said yes.

Stuff like this hits home harder because we can relate and feel the pain of the family losing a young child/sibling.

Then we started talking about how many others there are in the situation as us and how we arent the only ones. There are many, many others who are going through what my parents and family are going through. Many more have it worse.

I mean Subhana'Allah, there are many Muslims out there who have lost their kids, parents, siblings, wives/husbands in wars and accidents that happen everyday.

Every couple weeks you hear about some Muslim brother or sister dying in a car accident. Sometimes you hear about a fellow Muslim/Muslimah locally getting murderded. And of course you always hear about Muslims getting slaughtered in countries like Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia just to name a few. The list can go on and on.

I'm not saying that we always ignored other people and only worried about our situation. lol It's not like that nor was it ever. It's just that hearing stuff like this reassures us we arent alone and in many cases, others have it worse who have lost everything. Everything.

Wallah our hearts go out to people who have lost their children. Even I dont know the feeling of losing a child. I cant imagine what my parents go through. I dont know how they deal with it. I mean its hard enough losing a baby sister who was very dear to me. Losing a child? I cant imagine it.

Looking at other peoples hardships should be a reminder to us as well. We should look at how others have it worse. We should look at how others still remain steadfast despite the trials they are going through. Whatever trial you going through, think about others have it worse. Think about the previous nations had it much harder than us. Think about the trials the Sahabas went through. They had trust and faith in Allah Subhanawata'la which made them get through hardships.

May Allah elevate Asma's and Abedullah's status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah keep them with Ibrahim and Sarah (AS).
May Allah reunite us with them once again. Ameen
May Allah give the parents and the families sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah make us guide us all and make us better Muslims and take our souls as Believers. Ameen
May Allah protect all the Muslims around the world. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Two Years Today

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Ever since this month of February started, I have not been able to stop thinking about Asma and the day she passed away. Before, when everytime February would come, I would be reminded of how I am one year older as my birthday is on February 7th. However, now Im reminded of the last days of Asma's life.

I still remember what she was doing on February 7th. I still remember how she was struggling to breathe and constantly coughing. I clearly remember what I was doing the night before she passed away. I also remember what was happening on the morning of February 11th, shortly before she passed away.

To read in detail about the day she passed away, read this entry which I composed soon after she passed away: Friday, February 11th 2005: day Asma passed away.

Lately, shes been on my mind more than usual. I guess its because the more trials I go through, it reminds me of Asma since she was always there to talk to me and help me get through it. When everyone spread rumors and believed lies, Asma trusted me and knew I was free from the accusations.

Its been two years today and everything is exactly the same as it was the day she passed away. Her clothes are still hanging in her closet. Her shoe is still in the same place as it was the day she passed away. Every single thing of hers.

I dont plan on getting rid of them. My whole family doesnt want to get rid of her belongings. How can we?

People tell us that we should get rid of it and move on. They have told us over and over that we shouldnt hold on to it and need to move on and live life.

But how can we get rid of her stuff? Why? For what? Its not like we worship it or think having them around will keep her alive and bring her soul into this house. No. I sometimes sleep with her little blanket next to me. I just keep it by me when I go to sleep.

I even have her hospital bracelet and even her prescriptions stored away safely. Im keeping them too.

I hate it when people say we need to move on. What on earth are they talking about? Its not like we are mourning 24/7 and have given up everything in this world. We go to work and school. We take care of the things that need to be done at home. We arent sitting in our rooms doing crying all the time.

I can clearly see Asma in my mind. I can imagine her laughing endlessly and speaking in her soft voice. I remember her smiles and her witty comments. I remember how she looked when she would dress up. Subhana'Allah I dont think I have forgotten anything of hers. I remember every single thing, both good and bad times. I remember good times like when she would smile and have fun at parties and I remember bad times like when she was at the hospital or be at home in pain. No matter how hard I try to forget the bad times, I cant. I occasionally have flashbacks of her when she was ill.

Its one more day without her. Its been two years without her. I dont know hard its going to get as times goes on. People say you will forget her as time goes by. Thats not true. We will always miss her deeply. Always.

I dont know how may parents do it. Wallah they have so much courage and strength to deal with this. I dont know what it is like to lose a child nor do I want to know. My parents have changed after Asma passed away. Actually, they started to change since Asma became ill. It has taken a toll on my parents health.

This is hard. I wish I can hug Asma and kiss her one more time... :'(

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah elevate her status to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents and give them the highest status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah give my family sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah keep us on the straight path and take our souls as Believers. Amen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Just Once More...

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Its been almost two years since Asma passed away. It may seem like a long time, but its still fresh in our minds. I still have dreams of her. I always ask Allah Subhanawata'ala to bring Asma in my dreams. It will always be my wish, to see her once more. I remember after we prayed Salatul Janazah, we opened her casket and shroud to see her one last time. I remember I kissed her on the cheek. They were waiting for me to move so they can cover her once again and shut the casket. I wouldnt remove my lips from her cheek. I knew it would be the last time and I would always want to kiss her once more.

Thats how it is with my dreams. I ask Allah to show me Asma in my dreams. And everytime I see her in my dreams, I beg to see Asma once more...one last time. But I know that "one last time" will never end. Rather, it will always be "one last time."

When I have dreams of her, they are either flashbacks or dreams where I can see shes enjoying her time. She appears to be very happy.

Sometimes shes in a body of a newborn with her face when she was older. Sometimes she appears lifeless, but smiling and has droplets of water all over and is clean as a baby.

But when I have flashbacks, I have dreams where old, painful memories begin to come back. Many times I find myself waking up with tears all over my face and pillow. Other times I wake up all of a sudden in a panic mode.

I hate having flashbacks. They are about the times she went through and the conditions she was in. Wallah it really does feel like its happening all over again. Thats how real it seems. Thats how real it feels. Sometimes in my dreams I feel like tearing my heart out. And after I wake up, I have that same feeling for a while.

I really dont know nor can I imagine what my parents go through. Wallah I admire them.

I knew people have flashbacks, but I didnt know it would be this bad. I can even hear screams and plea for help in my flashbacks. I can even see my parents and know how they feel in my flasbacks. Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep in fear of having those flashbacks again.

But if I have to go through 50 flashbacks just to have one good dream where she is smiling and having fun and smelling so sweet, I'd do it.

Every single day I ask Allah Subhanawata'la to show me Asma once more. Just once more...

May Allah reunite us with Asma in the Akhirah. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents greatly for what they went through and are going through. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and take our souls as Believers. Ameen
May Allah show me and my family once more in our dreams. Ameen
May Allah save us from having flashbacks. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.