Flashbacks All Over Again

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

So last night I checked my email and have received an email from a Muslimah who frequents my blog. Since I have asked everyone to email me with their names so I can make dua'a for them, this Muslimah went ahead and emailed me.

She also mentioned to make dua'a for her friend who is terminally ill. Subhana'Allah. When she said that, it was as if I went back in time. I was having flashbacks. I can still vividly remember the hospital scenes, the doctor visits, the home therapies, Asma's screams, her pain, her tears, her plea for help, the uncertainty we were in especially my parents, how we feared everytime the doctor came in Asma's room in case if he had bad news, how we dealt with the bad news, the lonely drive home at 2 AM, close life and death situations Asma was put in over and over, etc.

The list can go on and on. So many things, but dont if I cant handle it. It makes me want to cry. Even to this day, I try not to think about it. If I really sit down and think back and think what we, as a family have gone through and more importantly the pain that Asma has endured, my heart will beat fast and I will go into depression and will isolate myself.

I will probably cry a lot. I still have images of the things that happened to her. Those images arent very pleasant. Subhana'Allah.

Anyways, I guess its good that I had these flashbacks. It tends to keep me in check. Alhamdulillah.

May Allah give all shiffa and sabr to all the Muslims who are sick. Ameen
May Allah grant a spacious grave to all the Muslims who have passed away and keep them from the fitnah of the graves. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with the loved ones again in the Akirah. Ameen
May Allah elevate their status to the highest in Jannah. Ameen

Again, as I have said in my previous post, I just want to say that if you want me to make dua'a for you at Hajj, email me at haq_omar@hotmail.com, Insha'Allah.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Asma's Belongings

Assalaamualaikum,

The other day I was cleaning the garage and came across some things that made me pause for a little bit and think.

At first, I found Asma's shoes, sandals, and boots. They had dust over them. However, they were like new in condition. I just stopped and thought about how she used to wear them. She loved shoes.

I just put them back where I found them. I dont want to throw them away or anything.

Then I opened up the cabinets in my garage. Its full of toys, games, dolls, and picture frames thta Asma had gotten over the years as presents. Many of them are still in the wrapper and havent been opened. Half the time she didnt even feel well enough to open them and play.

They are just sitting there collecting dust. I dont even want to take them out. I just shut the cabinet because I didnt want to look at them.

Her stuff is everywhere. Her clothes, toys, wheelchair, walker, toilet, medical supplies, prosthetic leg, shoes, etc. are everywhere from her room to the basement.

I dont plan on throwing them away.

Insha'Allah we are trying to donate medical supplies to anyone who needs them and same with the clothes and toys that she didnt ever use/wear.

The clothes and toys that she did use/wear before, Im keeping them.

People make me really mad when they say we should throw all that way or give it away. Im just like, "Screw you."

Her shoe is still in the same place as it was before she passed away. No one wants to move it. Her sunglasses are still on the top of the TV stand as they were before she passed away.

Before I go, I just want to say that if you want me to make dua'a for you at Hajj, email me at haq_omar@hotmail.com.

Either way, I will make dua'a for Muslims all around the World, Insha'Allah.

May Allah reunite us with Asma again. Ameen
May Allah accept our dua's and Hajj and forgive us all. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest level in Jannah. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum.

Umrah

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

The date is getting closer and closer...

Im leaving for Hajj Insha'Allah on Saturday, December 31st. I have been busy taking care of some stuff, running errands, and packing.

While Im doing all this, Im constantly thinking of Asma. I think of how happy she would have been if she was going too.

I remember when she was with us, her wish was to go for Umrah. She told everyone that. Whether she was asked by the nurses, doctors, friends, or total strangers as to what her biggest wish was, her answer was always the same. She was always said, "I want to go for Umrah."

There is an organization/foundation called "Make a Wish" which helps kids with terminal illness. They help them by giving the child and the family anything he/she wants.

For a while we declined because Asma and we didnt want to deal with them. However, we kept getting calls from them and insisted they wanted to help Asma. So one day they called and Asma just said that she wanted to go for Umrah.

We didnt even say a word to her about going for Umrah. Even the people at "Make a Wish" had told us that they never even did or heard of something like this. They said that kids usually wish for a trip to an amusement park, Disney World, or to meet their favorite movie star or celeberty. However, Asma wished to go for Umrah.

Halfway through Asma's illness, we told her that we would take her for Umrah once she got better. She was very excited. She started to make plans and used to tell my mom what she would do. She was looking forward to Umrah.

Little did she know that Allah Subhana'watalaa had something else planned for her.

I always think of Asma, but it will be even harder when I go to the airport and on my way to the Saudi.

Just one year ago, I was in the plane with Asma. Its going to remind me all over again. Im afraid to imagine what may happen when I think of it. Im just going to keep myself busy and go over the dua'as, Insha'Allah.

May Allah reunite us with Asma. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah accept everyone's Hajj and their dua'as. Ameen

By the way, I may make a blog to post my experiences at Hajj, Insha'Allah. I will get back to you on that soon, Insha'Allah.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

"Because I want some Fruit Roll-Ups."

Assalaamualaikum

Its early morning right now. Its currently around 1:30 AM. I miss Asma so much. I kind of feel lonely. Well, I am lonely. So I just decided to come online and blog.

It was about an hour before Isha so I figured Id go take care of the groceries real fast. I need to get a few things for my mom and dad. As I was pushing the cart through the food section, I came upon those Fruit Roll-Ups. For those of you who dont know what it is, its basically a roll of fruit candy. Its good.

Anyways it automatically reminded me of Asma as I smiled a little. Asma used to love it. She would always tell me to go out and get it even if it was late at night.

She loved the watermelon flavor.

Whether I was at school or sleeping, she would call me and ask me to get Fruit Roll-Ups or candy for her.

It went something like this:

Asma: "Assalaamualaikum."
Me: "Walaikumassalaam."
Asma: "Where are you?"
Me: "At school."
Asma: "When are you coming home?"
Me: "In a while. Why?"
Asma: "Because I want some Fruit Roll-Ups."
Me: "Okay, I will get it. But I will be home in a little while okay?"
Asma: "Okay."
Me: "Assalaamualaikum."
Asma: "Walaikumassalaam."

She was so cute. She would sometimes wake me up and tell me to go out and bring her stuff. Of course, I couldnt say, "No." lol

Of course, when I thought of her, I smile. That smile turned into sadness. :'(

Lately, I have been missing her and more every day, every night. I really needed to talk to her and ask her for some advice. :'(

May Allah reunite us with her again. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum

Surprise: Home from Mexico

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Exactly one year ago today, we came home from Mexico. We were in Mexico for Asma's treatment. It was actually one of the last things we had tried for Asma. Everything had failed. 99.9% doctors had given up. Clinically speaking, we really had no chance whatsoever. As one doctor had stated one month prior to Asma's passing away, "Shes on an end of life journey."

Anyways, Amsa was excited to finally come home after spending months in Mexico away from family. Majority of the time, it was my father, my mother, Asma, and myself. My father had come home few days earlier because he needed to take care of some personal things.

I remember when my dad had left for the airport, Asma was very, very sad. She was heartbroken.

She was crying so much. As she weeped, she kept saying, "Mujey daddy qiyoon chorkay chalaygai? Daddy mera dil ka thookra hai." ("Why did daddy leave me? Daddy is a part of my heart.")

She kept saying that over and over. We finally calmed her down by telling her that we too will be back home soon, again.

Well time went by and it was time to pack and get to the airport. We were soon on our way to Chicago. No one had a clue whatsoever that we were coming. Asma specifically wanted to keep it a secret from Aysha because she wanted to surprise her. lol

We arrived at the O'Hare Airport in Chicago around 4:30-5:00 AM. My father was waiting and picked us up.

Asma was very excited. She told us not to make a noise so she can surprise Aysha. Well I drove back and we finally got home. I carried Asma upstairs to the room Aysha was sleeping in. Aysha had fallen asleep on my parents bed.

Asma was giggling as she grew anxious. I was smiling too. We slowly tip-toed near Aysha and stopped by her feet. Asma was still wearing a coat, gloves, scarf, and a winter skull cap. She didnt even wait to take her gloves off when she started to tickle Aysha with her finger. She was quiet and smiling. She was eager for Aysha to wake up and see her reaction.

Soon, Aysha got up and was confused. She looked up and stared at us for a few seconds. She was quiet.

All of a sudden she screams, "ASMA!!!!!!!!!!!"

lol Asma at this pointed bursted in laughter and wouldnt stop. It seemed like she had the time of her life. lol

Aysha then woke up and came down stairs to talk to Asma and the rest of us.

I will never forget this incident. It was so funny very heartwarming to see that Asma was excited and was finally home.

Everytime I think about it, I get tears in my eyes. With every memory of her, it comes with a smile. It also comes with tears...

May Allah reunite us with Asma again in the Hereafter. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest level. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

No More Ranting and Raving

Assalaamualaikum,

I miss Asma. A lot. Damn, I really miss her.

I miss how she used to smile. I miss how she used to speak. I miss her witty comments and comebacks. I miss her eloquence. I miss her self-confidence.

I miss how she use to always have time to talk to me. I used to go up to her and just start ranting and raving. She would either sit there and talk to me or laugh at me. lol

I miss how she never used to pass judgements on me. She used to believe me right away without making me say "Promise" or "Wallahi."

When people would say things about me, she knew the truth. Trust me, she knew A LOT about me.

When I get caught up in things such as school, family, and my projects (working on cars), it sometimes takes my mind off of things. It takes my mind off of Asma; which can be a good thing at times. Many times I find myself doing absolutely nothing as a result of depression when I think of her. Like now.

I wish I can just go to her right now and let everything out. Tell her about life and problems. I wish I can ask her for advice. Ask her what to do.

I was able to go to talk to her and was very comfortable with it because not only I knew I could trust her and she wouldnt tell anyone else, but also because I trusted and respected her advices.

Well, maybe this post wasnt much of benefit to anyone like other posts are sometimes. I guess this is my new way of ranting and raving and letting it all out since she is gone. But I still cant be totally open and ask for advice on how what to do and how to deal with my current problems.

Sucks. Yeah, big time.

May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest level. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum.