One of the Most Heartbreaking Things Ever

Assalaamualaikum,

There have been many things that Asma has said and done that truly broke my heart. Wallahi, it has. Of course, Asma used to say and do things out of pure innocence. Actually, thats what made it worse. The fact that she said it out of innocence made it even worse.

I dont know where to start, but I still remember one of the most heartbreaking things that she ever said. Subhana'Allah, I felt like my world had crashed.

It was a while after she had gotten her leg amputated when this took place. Keep in mind, Asma was a very calm person. It took a lot for her to lose her patience.

She always thanked Allah even when calamity fell on her.

She always remembered Allah Subhana'Watalaa.

She always spoke nothing but the truth. She NEVER EVER lied. Never. Yes, really.

Anyways, one day, either to my mom or my sister, she said, "Nobody is going to marry me because of my leg [is gone]."

Subhana'Allah...

What do you say?

What can you say?

I was in shock. My heart was shedding tears. It was broken in half. I couldnt believe she said that.

She didnt even say it to make people feel pity for her. She wasnt that kind of person whatsoever. She didnt care. She didnt give a damn what others thought of her.

However, she said only to speak her mind. She said it because she knew no one would marry her since her leg was amputated. Imagine what she felt like?

Everyday, while sitting in her bed, she would peek out the window when her school bus came at her stop.

Everytime guests came over, while sitting in her bed, she would smile as she watched the kids run around happily.

She used to tell my father not to feel depressed (about her getting her leg amputated) because she can still hop one leg. Allahu Akbar! Look at this little girl's faith and courage. Wow.

She used to me that she didnt care what other people thought of her. She didnt care if other people saw that she didnt have her leg anymore.

When she first got her leg amputated, we would always put a blanket or shawl over her lower body whenever she would sit in bed or her wheelchair...basically everywhere she went outside of home.

Out of nowhere, she said I dont want the blanket.

"Mujey blanket nahi oornah" ("I dont want the blanket."), said Asma.

I said, "Leikin loogh thumko dekengay" ("But people will look at you").

Asma said, "Hehe Tho? I dont care" ("Hehe So? I dont care").

I was just in awe. I mean look at her courage and confidence. I was sad, however, because of what she was going through.

Simply put, it broke my heart.

May Allah grant Asma the highest level of Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma again. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum.

Visiting Asma

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I had to run some errands today for my mom. Since I didnt have school today, I got stuff done during the day. One of the places I had to go was near Asma. It was about 10-15 min away from the cemetery.

On the way back, I stopped by Asma. Subhana'Allah, everytime I go, the mood changes. Its depressing. Its saddening. I may be smiling or talking normally prior to visiting her. Even up to the time where I am pulling into the cemetery, I will be okay (or atleast look okay). However, all of a sudden, my facial expression will change. I feel like I have a lifeless look on my face. Most of the time, I will be quiet.

Anyways, I will go in towards her grave. The pathway is literally 3-5 feet away from where her grave is. When I get out and actually sit/stand next to her grave, it feels so wierd.

I mean, wow, Asma is actually gone. Shes buried. Shes not here. Subhana'Allah.

I will look down into the ground and actually realize shes only inches below me. Shes so far away, yet so close. I try to imagine what she looks like. I try to imagine if she is still the same as she was before her burial.

As strange as it may sound, many times I wonder if her body has decomposed. All these questions come to my mind. I become so curious...so helpless. I just want to see her.

I know it sounds bizarre, but many times I feel like digging up her grave again and opening up her casket and uncovering her kafn (shroud) so I can see her one more time.

Yeah, it sounds very strange and odd, but I think like that. I just want to hold her one more time. Touch her one more time. Kiss her one more time. :'(

I try to imagine what she would be doing at the moment. Im thinking what shes doing right now.

I think about what she would be doing when I go visit her. I try to imagine her responding to my Salaam in the same manner she used to respond to my Salaam when she was here.

She used to have this sweet, tender voice full of life. Subhana'Allah.

Everyday I look at her bed. Its empty. :(

I know it may sound wierd, but I cannot sit on her bed. I just dont feel comfortable. I feel like I will hurt her by sitting on top of her. I know this has no meaning and is completely false, but I still have that feeling.

If anyone notices, they will see that even if I accidentally sit on her bed, I will get up right away and sit on the floor. Strange, I know.

I feel like Im going nuts. I cant imagine what my parents go through. Wow Subhana'Allah.

May Allah reward my parents for thier patience. Ameen

I just miss her presence. I miss the way she used to call my name and tell me to do things. If I do live for another 50 years, how will I do it? Its only been nine months and feel like I cant take it anymore.

Damn I miss her. :'(

Hmmm, Subhana'Allah.

May Allah raise Asma's level in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah grant my parents sabr, happiness and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah give the rest of the family sabr. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

How did she do it?

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I think I have been sick for about a week now. I have been hit with a flu. I have pretty much been out of it. Most of the time I would drug myself heavily and just hide under a blanket(s). That and drank plenty of fluids. Alhamdulillah, Im better today...enough to go to school.

I have been and am still coughing like a maniac. Many times I just wish I would cease to exist so I can avoid going through the pain and discomfort. I cough so much that it would hurt my throat and chest.

That got me thinking. I started to think about Asma and when she used to cough.

During the Asma's last month or two, her lungs were filled with fluids (it was the doctor's fault, but I wont get into it now. Maybe later, Insha'Allah). Her right lung was completely filled and had collapsed. Her left lung was 1/2 filled.

Obviously, that caused her to breathe with difficulty. She wasnt able to breathe on her own towards the end. She needed help with breathing. She was hooked up a huge respirator which was always on. Then there were two nebulizers by her side ready to be used in case of her breathing attacks.

Subhana'Allah, I dont think I know of anyone who coughed so much. Well, actually I dont. Its not even a question.

Asma would have attacks without warning. She would repeatedly cough with no end in sight. Sometimes she coughed for 20 minutes. Other times she coughed for SIX HOURS STRAIGHT! Subhana'Allah, can you imagine that?

After coughing for six hours, she would finally stop. However, it would start back up again and last for another THREE TO FOUR HOURS!

It later became a routine for her (and us). You could easily tell the pain she was in. Her face was pale. She was weak. VERY WEAK.

Despite all this, she NEVER EVER complained. Not even once. ALLAHU AKBAR!

She had these episodes everyday. On an average, her coughing lasted for about three hours. She would constantly cough without a break.

Now think about it...

...can you think cough non-stop for more than a few minutes? Asma coughed over and over, non-stop for SIX HOURS!

I give much props to my parents who sat there with the nebulizer in their hand in one position for hours and hours without complaining.

May Allah reward my parents. Ameen

I think about all this and think about myself, I see how weak I am. I get scared and upset if I get sick for a week. I get upset because I will cough on and off throughout the day, yet Asma NEVER complained when she coughed for SIX HOURS NON-STOP.

Subhana'Allah, look at the difference. Look at her strength, courage, and determination.

May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest level in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for their patience, effort, and the faith they kept in Him. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and family sabr. Ameen
May Allah give my parents shiffa. Ameen

May Allah guide us and keep us on the straight path. Ameen.
May Allah forgive us of our sins and accept our good deeds. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Eid

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I was going to update this blog on Eid, but wasnt able to do because I have been sick. Actually, Im still sick, but felt like writing about Asma.

Before I go on, I just want to say Eid Mubarak to everyone and ask Allah to accept our fasts and worship during the blessed month of Ramadan. Ameen.

Anyways, this Eid was the first one without Asma. It was the first one ever since Asma passed away.

I couldnt help but to think about the previous Eids that we have had together as a family including Asma. Ever since she became ill, things werent ever the same.

Even though she would good days and bad days, ups and downs, the general trend of her health was going downwards. If you took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, you would see her health was slowly deteroiating.

There were so many factors that brought her health down. Besides cancer, the chemotherapy and various other drugs destroyed her health. Because her health was down, she felt weak most of the time.

However, despite all that, she still wanted to go to the Eid prayers with us. Even when she was frail and weak, she still wanted to go to the Eid prayers with us.

I remember her very first Eid after she was diagnosed with cancer. It was Eid-ul-Fitr on a cold, blustery day. Asma had been in the hospital for a few days now. She had been getting chemotherapy. Obviously, she couldnt leave the hospital.

That didnt stop her, though. She still insisted on having fun. See, to her, Eid meant new clothes, churiya (anyone know a better word for it in English? bracelets?), new shoes, mehendi (henna), hair done, eating sweets, getting gifts and money, and of course, having guests come over and meeting people. Thats what her Eid was all about.

So that day, even though she couldnt leave the hospital, she decided to have Eid at the hospital. She woke up early morning around 6:00 AM - 7:00 AM. Now, keep in mind that because of the chemotherapy and being constantly disturbed during the night, her sleeping routine had changed. During the night, the nurses would come and constantly check her temperature, draw blood, start new IVs, flush her lines, make her use the bathroom, give her medications orally, etc. Its a never-ending list.

She would finally get to sleep go to sleep in themorning after a long night. She would usually wake up anywhere between 3:00 PM - 6:00 PM. However, being awake all night along didnt stop her.

When she woke up early morning, my mom gave her a sponge bath. Asma was excited. She quickly put on her new dress. Asma literally looked like a princess. She was a doll. Her dress was very beautiful.

She had nail polish on along with colorful churiya on both her wrists. Her hair was beautifully done. She had also put on matching dress shoes. She was all set to go.

My father, my brother, my sister, and I all went to the Eid prayer. My mom was at the hospital with Asma. She spent each and every second with Asma at the hospital (May Allah reward my mom. Ameen).

As soon as we prayed, we quickly went home and got food for my mom and Asma. They hated hospital food. Asma couldnt even stand the sight of it.

Soon we were on our way to the hospital. It was about 30 miles away. It usually took us about 45 min to get there. We called them up at the hospital that we were on our way. Asma was very anxious and excited.

We finally got there. We parked the car and went inside. The childerens floor was on the second floow. So we usually took the elevator up. Asma's room was on the other side of the floor. We anxiously walked towards her room. She kept peeking out the door to see if we were coming.

My dad was the first one to enter. Subhana'Allah, her face was lit with joy and happiness. Allahu Akbar!

She was so happy and excited. We all embraced and hugged her. She would ask everyone if she looked pretty. lol She did indeed look pretty.

We sat and talked. We ate. The nurses and the volunteers had found out about our Eid. My father gave them dawah.

They felt bad that Asma couldnt go out for Eid. They decided to decorate her room with streamers and signs. She was excited. They gave her gifts as well.

Everyone was supposed to come see Asma. Asma had waited since the second she woke up. She was expecting all of our relatives to come see her. Nothing made her more happy than to see people come see her. She loved having company.

Well, time goes by. Second after second...Minute after minute...Hour after hour...NO ONE came. She had been up for about 10-14 hours all day long after getting little sleep the previous night. She finally told my parents she wanted to go to sleep. :'( Subhana'Allah that was so sad.

She was tired of waiting and didnt want to wait any longer. She gave up. She was tired and exhausted. I could tell she was hurt and sad inside.

We turned the lights off. She asked my dad to massage her head and put her to sleep. My parets were upset, hurt, sad. They were angry more than anything.

Finally, as Asma was falling asleep, one by one, all my relatives were walking in the room. They were afraid to come in. They were all guilty.

It was too late, however. Asma, after a long day, went to sleep. My mom started to cry. She was so hurt and sad. My father didnt say a word. He was just sitting there angry.

Asma kept sleeping. She didnt wake up. She was sad. She even had taken her clothes off and wore her clothes that she wore at the hospital. She took her churiya off too.

They all left soon. No one really said anything. They couldnt. The night came to an end. We all were pretty bummed out.

However, now that I think about it, Im so glad my family and I spent time with Asma on Eid that day. Alhamdulillah.

Nothing meant more to Asma than to spend time with her family (parents and siblings). :)

Last Eid-ul-Fitr, we were in Mexico for Asma's treatment. Asma wanted to come pretty bad and celebrate Eid with the whole family. She missed Aysha and my brothers.

She was sad. However, my dad's friends came over from Los Angeles, California. Its about 4-5 hours away from where we were. They brought over a whole bunch of GOOD food. Alhamdulillah.

They did ALL that just for Asma. It made her happy. She had been craving desi food with spices. lol Subhana'Allah.

May Allah reward my dad's friends. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for everything they have done and are continuing to do. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma again in the hereafter. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and guide us to the straight path and keep us on it. Ameen
May Allah forgive us of all of our sins. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.