A Sister, A Friend

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Yes, once again I need Asma - especially right now.

I remember, whenever I would have a tough time or be down about something, I'd go to Asma just to speak. All I need to do was go to her and talk to her. She would sit there and listen to me vent. She would not tell me to go away or say she is busy.

Strange how the age difference between us was about 11 years, but she acted as if she was my age because she would always speak to me in a mature way. She would even do her best to me give me naseeha (or advice).

When people turned their backs, she was there (even when sick).

When people didn't care, she did (even when sick).

When people didn't have time, she did (even when sick).

I can only think about those times now. Thats all I can do. She isn't coming back.

I guess I just have to get over being down. I mean, what else can I do?

She was not only a sister to me, but also a great friend.

: (

May Allah bless her Soul. Ameen
May Allah reunite us all with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah elevate her status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for what they went through and give them sabr. Ameen
May Allah take our Souls as Believers. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Couldn't Take It Anymore

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

As some of you may know, we had taken Asma to another state for her cancer treatment. We took her after all the doctors had given up on her and said we are free to do whatever we wish. Of course, just because they have given up didn't mean we should do too.

Anyway, one of the states we took her to was Georgia. In Georgia, we were in a subarb of the city of Atlanta called Stockbridge. It was a big change going from a place like Chicago to a town called Stockbridge. Georgia as a whole was much different than what I am used to. It is more quiet and peaceful. It is less busy than Chicago.

Of course, that also means the Muslim community is also smaller. Although Atlanta has a large number of Muslims, it isn't like Chicago. Moreover, the number of Muslim grocery and shopping stores in Georgia isn't anywhere near the number Chicago has to offer. Also, the Muslim stores and restaurants in Georgia are scattered in different areas. Some were quite a distance away. However, in Chicago, Muslim stores and restaurants are pretty much altogether. For example, the Indian/Pakistani stores and restaurants are all located on one street - Devon Avenue. It is heavily populated and well traveled.

Anyhow, I was having lunch with my parents yesterday. Actually, my father and I were eating, but my mother was sitting on the recliner talking to us as we ate. Somehow my father brought up a restaurant in Atlanta and said we may have gone there during our time there. I then brought up how Muslim stores and restaurants are scattered all over the place. Then the memories came back...

My father started to say how tough that part of our life was. My mother agreed and said it was a scary moment. The days would go by very slow and each day was full of uncertainty. I honestly cannot put in words the feeling we had during those days. If I haven't already, I will post about my experience in Georgia Insha'Allah.

So as we were speaking, I mentioned how I feel bad that sometimes I would be 'aggressive' or speak to Asma with a stern voice if she would not take her medicine or get her treatment. Subhana'Allah it is very heartbreaking. The only reason why I did that was because I wanted Asma to take her medicine and get her treatments.

My father and mother said the same thing and how they get upset with themselves sometimes for doing that. They wish they never did that.

Then I couldn't take it anymore. See, I try my best not to cry in front of my parents (or anyone else), but this time I just couldn't take it. As I was eating, I broke into tears. My heart was aching. I thought I was strong enough to hold my tears back while I was with my parents, but I felt my body weaken and break into tears. I couldn't help but to cry.

My parents were crying too. It was such a sad moment. Its been a little over three years, but feels like yesterday. The wound is still fresh.

I dont think a day has gone by where I failed to think about her. She may not be here physically, but is and will always be in my heart. She is a part of me and I always think of her - even if it brings tears most of the time.

May Allah elevate her status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah bless my parents and reward them for what they have gone through and going through right now. Ameen
May Allah keep us all on the straight path and take our Souls as Believers. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Three Years and Nine Days

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Three years and nine days. That is how much time has passed since Asma passed away. However, it seems like yesterday that she left us.

We don't anything to commemorate her death as it is not from the Sunnah to do so. It isn't like we go out of the way to do something out of the ordinary on the anniversary of her death. However, it is only natural to think about her more than any other day.

I remember last Monday (on the 11th) I was just sitting there recollecting the events that took place. It was scary. My heart beats fast whenever I do that. I feel like I would burst into tears any second. My eyes feel heavy along with my whole body.

I was thinking about what had happened since the morning of her death to the time of her burial. It is pretty strange how I get scared and nervous thinking about the day she died and was buried. I don't know why. Honestly, ever since I wrote the posts about the day she passed away and the day she was buried, I haven't been able to go back to read it. I just cannot do it. No matter how hard I try, I am unable to read it. Three years later, I still can't do it. I'm afraid. I'm afraid how I actually go through the events in detail. It is one thing to remember those times and it is another thing to actually read it and remember the events.

I have kind of blocked it out in my head. It is in the back of my mind. I can't think about it nor do I want to. It'd be too much for me to handle. As I sit here thinking, I cannot understand how my family (especially parents) and I actually went through that time. If I were to experience the same thing now, I'm not so sure if I would be able to do everything all over again. Maybe its my fear...

Just a while ago, my mother was looking at old pictures and reading old letters that she had stored in a little container. In there were pictures of Asma when she was a baby (probably a year old - maybe younger). It brought a smile to my face while wanting to cry inside. It brought back old memories. I wanted to pinch her cheeks and hold her tightly and kiss her all over.

Insha'Allah I will scan it and post it up here soon. She has a smile ear to ear. Very beautiful picture.

As I was looking at the pictures, all of a sudden my mother started to cry as she covered her eyes. What do you really say to your mother who has lost a child? What can you say? What should you say? I really don't know.

Three years later, it still is very tender. Three years later, the wound still hasn't healed. It never will.

She is history now. Her chapter closed three years ago. Done.

All we have now are memories. Unfortunately, some of those memories are not so good.

I don't know what to say anymore as Im losing myself in thoughts of Asma. I will be back soon to post again. I just can't think anymore.

I miss my little Asma.

May Allah reunite us once again with Asma. Ameen
May Allah bless her Soul and elevate her status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents greatly and give them complete shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah send Asma in our dreams so we can have a sense of peace in our hearts. Ameen
May Allah keep us all firm upon the truth and take our Souls as Believers. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.