Eid...Bittersweet Moment

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Its about 4:10 in the morning. I just got done cleaing the whole house in preparation of the guests that are coming over later on today after Eid prayer. I didnt even sleep.

As I started cleaning earlier today, I kept coming across Asma's belongings. I cleaned out her medicine cabinet. It was full of medication. Actually, its the first time we actually cleaned the cabinet after Asma passed away.

I took all medication from the cabinet and put it in a big box and put it away downstairs in the basement. I dont think Im ever going to throw it away. Call me nuts, but I want to keep every single thing of hers. I even have her breathing tube that she used up until she passed away. I know people will tell me to get rid of it and move on, but thats not going to happen.

I came across notes and letters and get well cards that were written for Asma. I came across presents that were given to Asma. I also came across things that Asma made. Most of the time, I try not to let it get to me. I just try to be strong and just keep the tears back.

But right now I dont think I can. Its hard. Its hard because Asma was so close to me. She was a special part of my life. She had a huge impact upon me. She had a place in my heart that NOTHING can ever replace. Wallahi, she was more than my best friend.

It was soon night time. It was around 10:00-11:00 PM when I found that its Eid. Subhana'Allah it was kind of sad because I miss Ramadan. I wish I had done more Ibaadah. I wish I did more. I wish I stayed up more during the nights.

But it was also sad because I thought about how happy Asma used to get when she would find out its Eid. Subhan'Allah she loved Eid. She loved celebrations.

She loved getting dressed and having people over. She loved getting mehendhi (henna) on her hands. She would get mehendhi with my other sister, Aysha. Asma and Aysha were inseparable. They couldnt be without each other. There were times when the whole day would go on and we wouldnt even see them until it was night time because they were so busy playing and talking together.

On Eid, Asma would be the first one up and and the first one to get dressed and ready. She would wear beautiful dresses with churyia (bangles? bracelets? I dont know what what you would call them. Someone help me out here).

Asma would usually have have pony tails with a little glitter on her eyes. She was truly a Princess. Subhan'Allah Im smiling as Im thinking of her and how she used to be so happy.

After Asma would get ready, she would get impatient as she would wait for everyone else to get ready. lol Sometimes we would take long to get ready and she would constantly be on our case until we were ready. She hated being late. lol

She loved showing off to my dad. Whenever my dad would wake up or come downstairs, Asma would always ask him, "How do I look?"

Occasionally she would have nail polish on.

Whenever she would wait for us to get ready, she would start to get bored. lol Asma would then start dancing in her new clothes and shoes.

It feels so wierd getting ready for Eid prayer without having Asma around.

Whenever people would give Asma money, she would count it at the end of the day. lol Asma wasnt the type that wasted money or useless things. She actually saved money for the future. She even had her own bank account.

In fact, Asma told my parents that when she dies, she wants my parents to take the money and spend it on my older brother's wedding. :'( That makes me want to cry.

There are so many things I can talk about...so many memories I can talk about. Im going have to save some for later, Insha'Allah ta'ala.

For now, I have to go and get ready for Eid prayer in a while. Please keep my parents and family in your dua'as, Insha'Allah. Jazak'Allahu khairan.

Heres another entry about Eid from before:

Eid

May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah give my parents shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah give my family shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah prepare us for the hereafter so we can be with Asma and saved from the Hellfire. Ameen
May Allah guide us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah give shiffa and sabr to the less fortunate ones. Ameen
May Allah accept our Ibaadah during the month of Ramadan and allow us to see another Ramadan next year. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and unite us together. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Would have been 14 years old

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

First of all, I have fixed the problem when subscribing to this blog. Now you should be able to subscribe. If you're still unable to do so, let me know Insha'Allah.

If you see anything else wrong on this blog, please let me know. Jazak'Allah khair.

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Asma would have turned 14 years old yesterday. She was born on October 9th, 1992. Actually she was born around the same day (Friday) and the same time as she passed away. Even though that doesnt mean much, just thought it was interesting.

Like the rest of the family, Asma didnt celebrate birthdays. She knew it was wrong to celebrate not just birthdays, but other days that arent proven from the Sunnah.

Whenever people would ask her what she did for/on her birthday, she would say, "Nothing."

lol They would be surprised and be like, "Huh...what...nothing?" or "Okayyyy..."

Asma wouldnt feel bad or embarrassed at all. She would go on to say, "I dont celebrate birthdays. Its against my religion."

She would say that or something to that extent.

Asma was tried her best to live and act according to the Quran and Sunnah. She put me to shame.

In fact, she would challenge even the elders when she would see something that was a bidah (innovation) or haraam (forbidden).

Asma would ask, "Did the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasalam do it? Did he tell you to do it?"

If someone replied "No," Asma would ask, "Then why are you doing it?"

Wallahi, Asma was very strong with her beliefs and held her ground.

After I started to grow my beard, Asma knew it wasnt from the Sunnah to trim the beard. Before, when I used to think about trimming it, Asma told me she wouldnt talk to me if I ever trimmed it.

Once I actually did trim it and she became upset with me. Really, she was upset and kept asking me why I did it. She actually talked some sense into me. lol

Anyways, whether it'd be food from birthdays or some day in which people do bidah, Asma refused to eat it.

Thats how strong she was.

During Taraweeh two nights ago, I kept thinking of Asma. I kept thinking how much I miss her. I kept thinking how much I loved her. I kept thinking how much I want to be reunited with her again after I die.

I hope I can make it to Jannah and see her. I'm really afraid to die.

I cant even imagine to think what she would be like at the age of 14. Wow, I wish I knew.

Asma always used to say that she didnt want to be a teenager. She said that because she saw how the kuffar are when they get older and the (haraam) things they do. Asma wanted any of that and was disgusted by it.

She hated it. She said she never wants to go near it and doesnt want any part of it.

She passed a little before turning 13. Interesting, isnt it?

Its so wierd how Asma used to tell me she would never make it to 18 years old as if she knew for sure.

One day I was talking to Asma and asked, "So are you going to dance at my wedding?"

Asma smiled and replied, "No."

I said, "No? Why not?" as I was a confused.

Asma then says, "Because I will never make it (to see your wedding)." You just watch..."

She said this all while smiling.

That crushed me. I was sad. I was heartbroken. I wanted to cry.

It was as if she knew her death was coming. Not only that, Im surprised how well she took it. I mean when people know they are dying or would die soon, they freak out. Yet here she is, just fine knowing she wont live long.

Dont get me wrong...Asma never gave up. She took her medication as much as she could. She did whatever she had to do. She went in for physical therapies.

Asma was a true fighter. She was a soldier. Allahu Akbar!

Its just that I guess she being realistic. At the time, I guess we convinced ourselves that Asma was going to live and will make it. Even to the last minute of her life, we thought she would make it.

My mom didnt even believe it when she died. My mom just said that Asma was sleeping because shes very tired.

:'( Gosh that was one of the hardest things to hear and see. :'(

I always loved her. I love her. I will always love her.

I miss her a lot and nothing can take that feeling away.

I just, no way in hell, can imagine what my parents are going through. Wow.

As I went to a funeral yesterday, it was bringing back memories of Asma and her funeral and funder procession. It was sad.

Subhana'Allah there were people there I never even met in my life. Wallah the funeral procession was so long, that the police had to come and block off the traffic. We didnt even ask for it. They just came and did it themselves. People have said the procession was miles long.

The Salatul Janazah was packed. I mean packed. People have said there were about 500-700 people. I believe it. It was packed.

Allahu Akbar...

All this for a little girl.

She was a true soldier...she fought till the end. She kept faith in Allah till the end. She tried to follow the Sunnah till the end. She challenged and tried to destroy any bidah and kufr till the end.

I wish I can say that about myself...

I wish I can kiss her once more... :'(

May Allah reunite my parents, my family and myself with Asma once again in the akirah. Ameen
May Allah forgive her sins and raise her level in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah give my parents shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah give my family shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah guide us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.