Will I Ever?

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Earlier today I was speaking to someone about Asma and realized that throughout my blog, I never really posted about the detailed events that were filled with pain, tears and uncertainty. Usually they are about incidents involving Asma that were funny, insightful or simply posts about how I miss her.

I don't think I've ever posted about the times where she would get her wounds taken care of, when she would randomly start bleeding or when she would cry at the top of her lungs out of pain.

I wondered why that was and I guess it is because I don't think I'm quite ready to speak about that - even after over three years. Just the thought of it makes me nervous and my heart starts to beat quite rapidly. It is a quite horrible feeling to have. You don't know what to do exactly. At times it feels like my heart and the rest of my innerself will explode.

Maybe one day I will post about them. It will be when I think I'm ready and able to speak about it without feeling horrible inside. Don't know how soon it will be.

Perhaps I will never speak about them. Allahu Alim.

I don't know...

May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and the rest of family shiffa and complete sabr. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and take our souls in the state of Islam. Ameen
May Allah give me the strenght and courage to hold up well when speaking about such emotional times. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Old Memories

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

I am working on a presentation for one of my classes. My presentation is on Osteosarcoma - the same cancer that Asma had.

So as I'm searching the net for images and some info, it made me feel scared. I guess it was bringing back old memories. Really, it felt like the day Asma was diagnosed all over again.

My heart would tremble and my and my eyes would tear up. There aren't really any words to describe this. You start to think about the old times and the hardships Asma and my family went through. You can't help but get down. What can you do? What do you do?

You try to convince yourself that it will be okay and one day Insha'Allah we can be reunited with Asma once again. Although all that may be true, you still can't let go of the fact that she was once here and now she is gone. How can you stop yourself from missing her?

You cannot. Just can't.

I just thought I'd post about this. Tomorrow is my presentation. We'll see how that goes. Make dua'a for me Insha'Allah ta'la.

May Allah bless my parents for what they have endured during this ordeal. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest. Ameen
May Allah give us all patience. Ameen
May Allah take our souls in the state of Islam. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Jealousy

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

May you all be in the best of health and Emaan, Ameen.

I randomly started to think about an incident with Asma that made me smile (and made me miss her even more).

It took place when she was around 3-5 years old. Maybe even a little younger. There were a bunch of kids in the room as guests were over for dinner.

I sat down on the floor to make sure everything was fine with the kids. As I started to watch T.V., this little kid comes (probably a little younger than Asma) and sits on my lap. I don't know why, but he seemed to like me. Out of nowhere, he comes and sits on my lap and wouldn't move.

Well, as you may have guessed it, Asma stopped whatever she was doing and walked over towards me. She stands by me and looks at the little boy sitting on my lap. Subhana'Allah I could tell quite clearly she was jealous and did not like how the boy was on my lap. Her facial expression and body language gave it away.

She started to push the boy out of my lap - making room for herself. To be honest, I wanted to laugh, but I kept it inside. Just cracked a smile at the most.

The little boy didn't know what was going on. As I sat with my legs crossed, I took the little boy and placed on my right leg and let Asma sit on my left leg.

Although it is not exactly what she wanted (she wanted me to herself and the boy to leave), she sat on my leg and remained quiet as she held me, refusing to let go.

This was such a long time ago, yet to this day, I still remember it. Each time I think about it, I always end up smiling if not laughing.

Subhana'Allah I miss that a lot. She didn't like anyone (besides my family) coming near me. Otherwise, she would get very jealous.

Subhana'Allah I miss her a lot.

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for all that they've gone through. Ameen
May Allah give them complete shiffa. Ameen
May Allah give us all sabr to deal with this. Ameen
May Allah give us the chance to prepare for death and take our souls in the state of Islam. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah