Missing in Action

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

May this reach you all in the best of health and Eman. Ameen

It's been such a long time since I've posted and updated this blog. In fact, the last posting was back in 2009. SubhanAllah can't believe how quickly time passes by.

I am going to be updating this blog often, InshaAllah.

So much as happened in over three years. I've finished school, gotten married, have a 5-year old niece, started a business and currently working on starting another one. Alhamdulillah, I've been blessed with so much.

However, one thing has never changed regardless of what happens or has happened. I never forgot about my sister. Whether it was at my wedding, while I'm shoveling snow, or just watching T.V., Asma somehow managed to cross my mind. Just the other day I was at my parents' home and walked by Asma's barely-worn slippers. Instantly I had a flashback of Asma wearing them and pictured the slippers on her small, fragile feet. In fact, those pair of slippers were one of my favorites.

Seven years and counting since Asma has left us. Still, I cannot believe she actually left us. It doesn't seem right. Doesn't feel right. But, she has. It's reality.

One day I too will leave this world. I have to worry about making it to Jannah. I want to be reunited with her.

When I'm happy and excited, I think of her. When I am sad, I think of her even more. She brought joy and happiness to everyone's life. She cheered me up and gave me pep talks whenever I needed one. I miss it.

I miss her. A lot. : (

WasSalaamualaikum.

"If there is one last wish that I can make..."

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

May this reach you all in the best of health and Emaan. Ameen

Yes, I'm finally updating this blog again. I have quite a bit going on right now and have been so busy. Updating this blog has been on my mind always, but here I am Alhamdulillah.

So, something came to my mind all of a sudden. I'm not so sure if I have shared this, but this is something that brings mixed emotions.

Couple months before Asma passed away, we were in Mexico for her treatment in hopes of defeating the cancer that was starting to take over her. We were there for over than a month or so. During that time, one of the patients that had come in was an elderly man who was accompanied by his wife. Couple days later, his son and daughter-in-law stopped by as well.

The elderly patient's room was right across from Asma's room. At first, he seemed to be doing well and nothing appeared to be wrong. However, a few days later, he seemed to have a serious case of abdominal swelling. My family and I had a pretty good idea that his time would be up soon.

As he started to get weak and the swelling was increasing, he said something which I still remember to this day. My parents were there as well along with the man's wife. Asma had won not only his heart, but the hearts of all the patients that were there. Asma was the youngest of them all. She was known as the little baby there.

No matter who it was or where they were from, they would buy Asma gifts. In fact, another couple had told their mother about Asma. The mother who lived in another state had knitted a pair of mittens, skull cap, a muffler, and a blanket. We were actually shocked to get it in the mail after we had come home from Mexico. Asma wore them during her last days.

Anyhow, the elderly man said something which I will never forget. He said, "If there is one last wish that I can make, it would be that God saves that beautiful young girl across the room instead of me."

Everytime I think this, I get mixed emotions. I get mixed emotions because of what he said about Asma. It makes me happy to think that Asma was loved by everyone. But it also makes me sad to think how he had died a disbeliever.

Asma's smile keeps flashing in my mind. Wish I can see it one more time...

May Allah elevate the status of Asma and grant her Jannatul Firdaus. Ameen
May Allah bless my parents and ease their pain. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents and give them happiness and take away their pain. Ameen
May Allah make us all better Muslims and allow us to die in the state of Islam. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah

They Just Never Go Away

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

May you all be in the best of health and Emaan. Ameen

Asma would have turned 16 two days ago on the 9th. SIXTEEN! Subhana’Allah, I can’t even imagine how she would have been at 16. Maybe because she was always a little girl to me and everyone else. She never became a teen. Ironically, she always used to say that she will never get to be a teen.

Sometimes you do not realize that it has been well over three years since she passed away. Time is really flying by. It feels like yesterday that I was standing at her gravesite watching her being lowered into the ground. Three years later, here I am.

I probably will always speak about her and write the memories as I share them with people. However, I hope it comes as a reminder not only to me, but all of us that time is indeed flying by and soon will be greeted by death.

In a hadeeth narrated by al-Bukhaari (1036) from Abu Hurayrah who said: "The Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said: 'The Hour will not begin until knowledge is taken away, earthquakes increase, time passes quickly, tribulations appear, and there is a lot of haraj, which is killing, killing, and until there will be a lot of wealth among you and it will become abundant.'”

Right now we all think that death will not come to us right now. We still aren't done having fun. We still need to get a high-paying job, get married and start a family. But did we even once stop to think that death is very near? Did we stop to think that death can any time? Death doesn't always come with a warning.

On October 9th, 1992, who would have thought Asma would die 12 years later? Never did it cross our minds. Yet, on February 11th, 2005 she passed away. After she passed away, so many people that are either related to us or that we know have also passed away - some quite suddenly.

What if we are next? What will remind us to be obedient to Allah Subhanawata'la?

For me, the death of my sister is enough. Whenever I need a reminder, I will go visit her grave and sometimes just sit there and contemplate. Whenever I go with my father to visit it, he sometimes points to the ground and says, "We, too, will come here one day. Are we ready?"

Many of the readers of this blog and people who hear about Asma will use her death as a reminder and Insha'Allah I hope they do. However, for me it is much more than just a reminder.

Thinking about Asma is not only a reminder, but also a motivation to be successful in life. Thinking about Asma is also a constant learning experience. She has taught me so many things including being patient and determined and never giving up. Ever.

I can still hear her voices in my mind. I can still see her face in my mind. I can still hear her giggle and smile. I can also hear call out my name.

Sadly, I can still see her bloody wounds and hear her painful screams. I can also hear the beeping I.V. machines and her blood pressure monitor. I can even feel the bench I would sometimes sleep on whenever I spent the night at the hospital.

They just never go away.

May Allah unite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents and give them complete shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status to Jannatul Firdaus. Ameen
May Allah prepare us for death and take our souls in the state of Islam. Ameen
May Allah make it easy for my parents, my family and myself. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum WarahmutAllah.

"You're so immature!"

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Hmm…

I feel like crying. I miss Asma. ‘: (

Although I think about Asma every single day and every single night, I recently have been thinking about Asma constantly. Today during Iftar, my family and I were talking about a certain topic. It reminded me of Asma and a specific incident came to mind.

Asma, by nature, was a very patient girl. She was the type that would take pain as much as she can. She would push herself to the limit. She was such a tough little girl, Masha’Allah.

She wasn’t just patient only physically, but also mentally/emotionally. If someone was annoying on purpose or making her angry, you could do it for a while without getting her to say or do anything. However, if you pushed her to the limit, she would definitely make it known that she is upset and isn’t pleased with you at all.

For example, I remember my family and I were at my uncle’s apartment where my relatives were as well. My relatives had come from Pakistan not too long and we were just visiting them. One of my older cousins was trying to annoy Asma by saying things to her (may Allah hold my cousin accountable. Ameen). Asma kept silent and just kept ignoring him. Keep in mind, Asma at the time was about 5-6 years old and my cousin was probably in his late teens or early twenties at the time.

All of a sudden Asma turned red and with a stern look she exclaimed, “You’re so immature!”

Subhana’Allah, everyone around just went silent and were all stunned. My cousin was so embarrassed because he had just gotten told off by a little 5 year old. Needless to say, I was shocked, but proud of Asma.

Asma wasn’t the type to make a scene. She would take stuff from people to avoid confrontation. She would take in pain and let it go just so it doesn’t escalate into something bigger and turn into a drama. However, once she reached that limit, she wouldn’t take it.

She was even more serious when it came to her immediate family (us). She was very overprotective of us. She would always be the first to help her family out – even during her last days of her life.

:’ (

One day Insha’Allah, we will get to meet her. One day. Insha’Allah.

May Allah elevate the status of Asma to Jannatul Firdaus. Ameen
May Allah grant complete sabr to my parents and cure them completely. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and keep us upon the straight path. Ameen
May Allah accept our Ibaadah in this month of Ramadaan and allow us to strive to be the best. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Hurry, Come Home!

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

It has been well over a month since I’ve last posted. I really want to start updating more often, Insha’Allah ta’la.

It may have been over a month since I’ve last posted, but that doesn’t mean I have last thought about her over a month ago. I think about her every day, every night. Just last night I was resting on the floor in front of a fan blowing cool air upon me. I began to think about Asma and started to reminisce about the sweet memories of her that I miss more than anything.

I miss how she would call my name out 2 AM to tell me she has to go to the bathroom.

I miss how she would call me on my phone whenever I wasn’t home to ask me when I am coming home. She usually called me for two things and the following are examples of how they would go:

My phone rings and I answer:

Me: Assalaamualaikum
Asma: Walaikumassaalaam
Me: What are you doing?
Asma: Nothing.
Asma: Um, when are you coming home?
Me: I don’t know. In a while. Why?
Asma: Can you come now?
Me: I will see.
Asma: Please? Come now!
Me: Why? What do you need?
Asma: Well, I want some Fruit Roll-Ups. *giggles*
Me: *laughter* What kind?
Asma: Um, I want the watermelon one this time.
Me: Okay, I will come soon. *laugh a bit*
Asma: Okay, hurry! Assalaamualaikum! *all excited now*
Me: Walaikumassalaam Warahmtuallah

Or, it would go something like this:

My phone rings and I answer:

Me: Assalaamualaikum
Asma: Walaikumassalaam. Where are you?
Me: School. Why?
Asma: Can you please come home?
Me: Right now?
Asma: Yeah.
Me: I can’t now. I have work to do.
Asma: But I have to go to the bathroom!
Me: Okay, I will come.
Asma: Okay, hurry! Assalaamualaikum!
Me: Walaikumassalaam.

Ahhhh, I miss her sweet voice. I swear she would leave me voicemails and whenever someone would listen to it would melt and say nothing but ‘Awwwwwww!’

I miss that a lot. I miss her so much. :’ (

Nothing will ever fill that empty feeling in my heart. It always will be there. I loved how she looked up to me and trusted and depended on me. She felt safe with me and that is something I loved. I miss it her presence, laughter, giggles, everything and anything that brought a smile on her face.

When will I ever get to see her?

May Allah bless her soul and elevate her status to the highest in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah forgive us all and keep us upon the straight path. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and family complete sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and keep us upon the Haq. Ameen
May Allah take our souls in the state of Islam. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Like Asma

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Earlier today in the evening I took Maryam, my little niece (she is around a year old), out around the block for a walk. It was really fun to go for a walk with her. It is quite fascinating to watch such a little thing go around the block with me. She would stop out of nowhere to look at birds, rabbits, and little insects on the sidewalk. I can only wonder what goes on in her little world of hers.

When we can home, I fell asleep on the bed we have downstairs in the family room. Maryam started do her own thing. She was playing by herself as no one else was around. My mother was busy doing something. As I was half asleep, out of nowhere I felt something wet and soft. I felt this a few times. Each time I’d feel this, I’d wake up to find Maryam licking my face. Subhana’Allah it felt like a cat was licking me. I don’t know why, but she was kissing and licking my face every few minutes. Then when I fully woke up, she was very happy and couldn’t stop smiling.

This reminded me of Asma. Asma would do such things when she was little. Maryam reminds me so much of Asma. In fact, I unintentionally call her Asma. It is only after I say it that I realized what I have called her. My parents do the same thing. I really hope Maryam reads this blog once she is older – even if I’m not around in this dunya. I want her to know what kind of girl Asma was and what her character was like. Asma is an inspiration for people living today and people to come in the future.

Many times when I hold Maryam and play with her, I imagine playing with Asma.

I miss Asma especially right now.

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma’s status in Jannah to the highest level. Ameen
May Allah bless Maryam and raise her into a pious Muslimah. Ameen
May Allah grant my parents complete sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah grant my family complete sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah take our souls from this dunya in the state of Islam. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Donating Asma's Belongings

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

May this reach you all in the best of health and Emaan. Ameen

So just a couple of hours ago, I was speaking to some cool people and the topic of death came up. Of course, Asma came up as well. So, the time with them and the discussion of death and Asma inpsired me to post today - Alhamdulillah.

Just because some time may go by before I update this blog, doesn't mean I have forgotten about her. I think about her every day and night. I just get caught up in things and have to take care of them which takes up a lot of my time.

We were discussing death and how it should be a reminder to all of us. I can post about that, but honestly it is something we've all heard before and it is all over the net. So, I will speak about something that reminded me of Asma, Insha'Allah.

As I may have mentioned before, we are fixing up our home and changing things around. I have started to put Asma's belongings in a box to store away. I'm never going to throw them away. If anything, I will box them up and store them somewhere. Most of them are her clothes and her physical therapy equipment such as her knee/leg braces and her prosthetic leg. I'm keeping all that too. Never going to throw it away, Insha'Allah.

There are things that we have moved downstairs into the basement. We put a cabinet downstairs where Asma's belongings are being stored. Last night, thats what my brother and I helped my mother with. We set her things (in the cabinet) such as the arts and crafts that she made when in school or at the hospital. (No. It is not a shrine.)

Then there are many things that we are giving away/donating. Things that were hers, but never used because of her illness. Throughout her illness, she had gotten many gifts from people. However, due to her illness, she was never able to use them. Some of the stuff is still in its plastic wrapper straight out of the factory. What are we going to do with those? There is not much room either for everything.

So basically, if she used it, we keep. If she did not use it, we give it away.

If my cousins come over, my mom will give them something that belonged to Asma. I guess it is a good feeling knowing that you've made someone happy with something that was given to Asma. What good will it do collecting dust?

One of the things my mother is planning to give away is Asma's wheelchair that was custom built for her. I'm going to take a pic of it actually, Insha'Allah. She wants to give it to Masjid al-Haram so people there can use it, Insha'Allah.

Whenever I come across Asma's belongings (like yesterday), I will pause momentarily and just think about each thing and how Asma used it/played with it and the history behind that thing. It is sad. Special memories behind the smallest of the things. This is why when I stop to think about it, I don't think for long. I quickly put it away and move on to the next thing.

Maybe I make it harder than it really is. I don't know. Whatever it is, I don't plan on changing it.

Before I go end this post, I'd like to post another pic of Asma, Insha'Allah. This was taken after her amputation. It was actually at a sister-only event (I believe it was the Mehndhi - night before the wedding) hosted by my (other) sister's friend. My mom loves this picture. I do too.

If you compare it from her pics before she became ill, you can see a difference. But this picture doesn't do any justice. She was looking beautiful, Masha'Allah - even with all the treatments and pain her body was going through at the time.

Picture 1



Picture 2



I absolutely miss her - without a doubt. :'(

May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reunite my family and I with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah forgive us all and guide us to the straight path and keep us firm upon it. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and my family complete sabr and shiffa. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.