All About My Baby Sister, Asma

"If there is one last wish that I can make..."

2009-02-27T19:13:00.003-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

May this reach you all in the best of health and Emaan. Ameen

Yes, I'm finally updating this blog again. I have quite a bit going on right now and have been so busy. Updating this blog has been on my mind always, but here I am Alhamdulillah.

So, something came to my mind all of a sudden. I'm not so sure if I have shared this, but this is something that brings mixed emotions.

Couple months before Asma passed away, we were in Mexico for her treatment in hopes of defeating the cancer that was starting to take over her. We were there for over than a month or so. During that time, one of the patients that had come in was an elderly man who was accompanied by his wife. Couple days later, his son and daughter-in-law stopped by as well.

The elderly patient's room was right across from Asma's room. At first, he seemed to be doing well and nothing appeared to be wrong. However, a few days later, he seemed to have a serious case of abdominal swelling. My family and I had a pretty good idea that his time would be up soon.

As he started to get weak and the swelling was increasing, he said something which I still remember to this day. My parents were there as well along with the man's wife. Asma had won not only his heart, but the hearts of all the patients that were there. Asma was the youngest of them all. She was known as the little baby there.

No matter who it was or where they were from, they would buy Asma gifts. In fact, another couple had told their mother about Asma. The mother who lived in another state had knitted a pair of mittens, skull cap, a muffler, and a blanket. We were actually shocked to get it in the mail after we had come home from Mexico. Asma wore them during her last days.

Anyhow, the elderly man said something which I will never forget. He said, "If there is one last wish that I can make, it would be that God saves that beautiful young girl across the room instead of me."

Everytime I think this, I get mixed emotions. I get mixed emotions because of what he said about Asma. It makes me happy to think that Asma was loved by everyone. But it also makes me sad to think how he had died a disbeliever.

Asma's smile keeps flashing in my mind. Wish I can see it one more time...

May Allah elevate the status of Asma and grant her Jannatul Firdaus. Ameen
May Allah bless my parents and ease their pain. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents and give them happiness and take away their pain. Ameen
May Allah make us all better Muslims and allow us to die in the state of Islam. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah

They Just Never Go Away

2008-10-11T01:26:00.004-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

May you all be in the best of health and Emaan. Ameen

Asma would have turned 16 two days ago on the 9th. SIXTEEN! Subhana’Allah, I can’t even imagine how she would have been at 16. Maybe because she was always a little girl to me and everyone else. She never became a teen. Ironically, she always used to say that she will never get to be a teen.

Sometimes you do not realize that it has been well over three years since she passed away. Time is really flying by. It feels like yesterday that I was standing at her gravesite watching her being lowered into the ground. Three years later, here I am.

I probably will always speak about her and write the memories as I share them with people. However, I hope it comes as a reminder not only to me, but all of us that time is indeed flying by and soon will be greeted by death.

In a hadeeth narrated by al-Bukhaari (1036) from Abu Hurayrah who said: "The Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said: 'The Hour will not begin until knowledge is taken away, earthquakes increase, time passes quickly, tribulations appear, and there is a lot of haraj, which is killing, killing, and until there will be a lot of wealth among you and it will become abundant.'”

Right now we all think that death will not come to us right now. We still aren't done having fun. We still need to get a high-paying job, get married and start a family. But did we even once stop to think that death is very near? Did we stop to think that death can any time? Death doesn't always come with a warning.

On October 9th, 1992, who would have thought Asma would die 12 years later? Never did it cross our minds. Yet, on February 11th, 2005 she passed away. After she passed away, so many people that are either related to us or that we know have also passed away - some quite suddenly.

What if we are next? What will remind us to be obedient to Allah Subhanawata'la?

For me, the death of my sister is enough. Whenever I need a reminder, I will go visit her grave and sometimes just sit there and contemplate. Whenever I go with my father to visit it, he sometimes points to the ground and says, "We, too, will come here one day. Are we ready?"

Many of the readers of this blog and people who hear about Asma will use her death as a reminder and Insha'Allah I hope they do. However, for me it is much more than just a reminder.

Thinking about Asma is not only a reminder, but also a motivation to be successful in life. Thinking about Asma is also a constant learning experience. She has taught me so many things including being patient and determined and never giving up. Ever.

I can still hear her voices in my mind. I can still see her face in my mind. I can still hear her giggle and smile. I can also hear call out my name.

Sadly, I can still see her bloody wounds and hear her painful screams. I can also hear the beeping I.V. machines and her blood pressure monitor. I can even feel the bench I would sometimes sleep on whenever I spent the night at the hospital.

They just never go away.

May Allah unite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents and give them complete shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status to Jannatul Firdaus. Ameen
May Allah prepare us for death and take our souls in the state of Islam. Ameen
May Allah make it easy for my parents, my family and myself. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum WarahmutAllah.

"You're so immature!"

2008-09-28T01:03:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Hmm…

I feel like crying. I miss Asma. ‘: (

Although I think about Asma every single day and every single night, I recently have been thinking about Asma constantly. Today during Iftar, my family and I were talking about a certain topic. It reminded me of Asma and a specific incident came to mind.

Asma, by nature, was a very patient girl. She was the type that would take pain as much as she can. She would push herself to the limit. She was such a tough little girl, Masha’Allah.

She wasn’t just patient only physically, but also mentally/emotionally. If someone was annoying on purpose or making her angry, you could do it for a while without getting her to say or do anything. However, if you pushed her to the limit, she would definitely make it known that she is upset and isn’t pleased with you at all.

For example, I remember my family and I were at my uncle’s apartment where my relatives were as well. My relatives had come from Pakistan not too long and we were just visiting them. One of my older cousins was trying to annoy Asma by saying things to her (may Allah hold my cousin accountable. Ameen). Asma kept silent and just kept ignoring him. Keep in mind, Asma at the time was about 5-6 years old and my cousin was probably in his late teens or early twenties at the time.

All of a sudden Asma turned red and with a stern look she exclaimed, “You’re so immature!”

Subhana’Allah, everyone around just went silent and were all stunned. My cousin was so embarrassed because he had just gotten told off by a little 5 year old. Needless to say, I was shocked, but proud of Asma.

Asma wasn’t the type to make a scene. She would take stuff from people to avoid confrontation. She would take in pain and let it go just so it doesn’t escalate into something bigger and turn into a drama. However, once she reached that limit, she wouldn’t take it.

She was even more serious when it came to her immediate family (us). She was very overprotective of us. She would always be the first to help her family out – even during her last days of her life.

:’ (

One day Insha’Allah, we will get to meet her. One day. Insha’Allah.

May Allah elevate the status of Asma to Jannatul Firdaus. Ameen
May Allah grant complete sabr to my parents and cure them completely. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and keep us upon the straight path. Ameen
May Allah accept our Ibaadah in this month of Ramadaan and allow us to strive to be the best. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Hurry, Come Home!

2008-07-20T12:40:00.004-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

It has been well over a month since I’ve last posted. I really want to start updating more often, Insha’Allah ta’la.

It may have been over a month since I’ve last posted, but that doesn’t mean I have last thought about her over a month ago. I think about her every day, every night. Just last night I was resting on the floor in front of a fan blowing cool air upon me. I began to think about Asma and started to reminisce about the sweet memories of her that I miss more than anything.

I miss how she would call my name out 2 AM to tell me she has to go to the bathroom.

I miss how she would call me on my phone whenever I wasn’t home to ask me when I am coming home. She usually called me for two things and the following are examples of how they would go:

My phone rings and I answer:

Me: Assalaamualaikum
Asma: Walaikumassaalaam
Me: What are you doing?
Asma: Nothing.
Asma: Um, when are you coming home?
Me: I don’t know. In a while. Why?
Asma: Can you come now?
Me: I will see.
Asma: Please? Come now!
Me: Why? What do you need?
Asma: Well, I want some Fruit Roll-Ups. *giggles*
Me: *laughter* What kind?
Asma: Um, I want the watermelon one this time.
Me: Okay, I will come soon. *laugh a bit*
Asma: Okay, hurry! Assalaamualaikum! *all excited now*
Me: Walaikumassalaam Warahmtuallah

Or, it would go something like this:

My phone rings and I answer:

Me: Assalaamualaikum
Asma: Walaikumassalaam. Where are you?
Me: School. Why?
Asma: Can you please come home?
Me: Right now?
Asma: Yeah.
Me: I can’t now. I have work to do.
Asma: But I have to go to the bathroom!
Me: Okay, I will come.
Asma: Okay, hurry! Assalaamualaikum!
Me: Walaikumassalaam.

Ahhhh, I miss her sweet voice. I swear she would leave me voicemails and whenever someone would listen to it would melt and say nothing but ‘Awwwwwww!’

I miss that a lot. I miss her so much. :’ (

Nothing will ever fill that empty feeling in my heart. It always will be there. I loved how she looked up to me and trusted and depended on me. She felt safe with me and that is something I loved. I miss it her presence, laughter, giggles, everything and anything that brought a smile on her face.

When will I ever get to see her?

May Allah bless her soul and elevate her status to the highest in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah forgive us all and keep us upon the straight path. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and family complete sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and keep us upon the Haq. Ameen
May Allah take our souls in the state of Islam. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Like Asma

2008-06-14T00:20:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Earlier today in the evening I took Maryam, my little niece (she is around a year old), out around the block for a walk. It was really fun to go for a walk with her. It is quite fascinating to watch such a little thing go around the block with me. She would stop out of nowhere to look at birds, rabbits, and little insects on the sidewalk. I can only wonder what goes on in her little world of hers.

When we can home, I fell asleep on the bed we have downstairs in the family room. Maryam started do her own thing. She was playing by herself as no one else was around. My mother was busy doing something. As I was half asleep, out of nowhere I felt something wet and soft. I felt this a few times. Each time I’d feel this, I’d wake up to find Maryam licking my face. Subhana’Allah it felt like a cat was licking me. I don’t know why, but she was kissing and licking my face every few minutes. Then when I fully woke up, she was very happy and couldn’t stop smiling.

This reminded me of Asma. Asma would do such things when she was little. Maryam reminds me so much of Asma. In fact, I unintentionally call her Asma. It is only after I say it that I realized what I have called her. My parents do the same thing. I really hope Maryam reads this blog once she is older – even if I’m not around in this dunya. I want her to know what kind of girl Asma was and what her character was like. Asma is an inspiration for people living today and people to come in the future.

Many times when I hold Maryam and play with her, I imagine playing with Asma.

I miss Asma especially right now.

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma’s status in Jannah to the highest level. Ameen
May Allah bless Maryam and raise her into a pious Muslimah. Ameen
May Allah grant my parents complete sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah grant my family complete sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah take our souls from this dunya in the state of Islam. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Donating Asma's Belongings

2008-05-22T11:53:00.002-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

May this reach you all in the best of health and Emaan. Ameen

So just a couple of hours ago, I was speaking to some cool people and the topic of death came up. Of course, Asma came up as well. So, the time with them and the discussion of death and Asma inpsired me to post today - Alhamdulillah.

Just because some time may go by before I update this blog, doesn't mean I have forgotten about her. I think about her every day and night. I just get caught up in things and have to take care of them which takes up a lot of my time.

We were discussing death and how it should be a reminder to all of us. I can post about that, but honestly it is something we've all heard before and it is all over the net. So, I will speak about something that reminded me of Asma, Insha'Allah.

As I may have mentioned before, we are fixing up our home and changing things around. I have started to put Asma's belongings in a box to store away. I'm never going to throw them away. If anything, I will box them up and store them somewhere. Most of them are her clothes and her physical therapy equipment such as her knee/leg braces and her prosthetic leg. I'm keeping all that too. Never going to throw it away, Insha'Allah.

There are things that we have moved downstairs into the basement. We put a cabinet downstairs where Asma's belongings are being stored. Last night, thats what my brother and I helped my mother with. We set her things (in the cabinet) such as the arts and crafts that she made when in school or at the hospital. (No. It is not a shrine.)

Then there are many things that we are giving away/donating. Things that were hers, but never used because of her illness. Throughout her illness, she had gotten many gifts from people. However, due to her illness, she was never able to use them. Some of the stuff is still in its plastic wrapper straight out of the factory. What are we going to do with those? There is not much room either for everything.

So basically, if she used it, we keep. If she did not use it, we give it away.

If my cousins come over, my mom will give them something that belonged to Asma. I guess it is a good feeling knowing that you've made someone happy with something that was given to Asma. What good will it do collecting dust?

One of the things my mother is planning to give away is Asma's wheelchair that was custom built for her. I'm going to take a pic of it actually, Insha'Allah. She wants to give it to Masjid al-Haram so people there can use it, Insha'Allah.

Whenever I come across Asma's belongings (like yesterday), I will pause momentarily and just think about each thing and how Asma used it/played with it and the history behind that thing. It is sad. Special memories behind the smallest of the things. This is why when I stop to think about it, I don't think for long. I quickly put it away and move on to the next thing.

Maybe I make it harder than it really is. I don't know. Whatever it is, I don't plan on changing it.

Before I go end this post, I'd like to post another pic of Asma, Insha'Allah. This was taken after her amputation. It was actually at a sister-only event (I believe it was the Mehndhi - night before the wedding) hosted by my (other) sister's friend. My mom loves this picture. I do too.

If you compare it from her pics before she became ill, you can see a difference. But this picture doesn't do any justice. She was looking beautiful, Masha'Allah - even with all the treatments and pain her body was going through at the time.

Picture 1

Picture 2

I absolutely miss her - without a doubt. :'(

May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reunite my family and I with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah forgive us all and guide us to the straight path and keep us firm upon it. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and my family complete sabr and shiffa. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Interview with al-Istiqamah.com

2008-05-01T02:24:00.004-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmtuallah,

May this reach you in the best of health and Emaan. Ameen

It has been a few weeks or since I've last posted here mainly because I have been really busy but also because I was working on an interview.

Al-Istiqamah did an interview with me regarding Asma and her illness. There are many points covered in the interview which were not mentioned here on my blog.

Al-Istiqamah is a wonderful site, Masha'Allah. I'm not just saying this because of my relationship with them. I have come to know of this site before anything. May Allah bless them and reward them for everything they do and protect them from harm and evil. Ameen

Insha'Allah read the interview at My Little Sister Died of Cancer...

May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for everything they have gone through. Ameen
May Allah forgive us and guide us to the straight path. Ameen
May Allah take our souls in the state of Islam. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and family complete shiffa and sabr. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Will I Ever?

2008-04-09T17:52:00.004-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Earlier today I was speaking to someone about Asma and realized that throughout my blog, I never really posted about the detailed events that were filled with pain, tears and uncertainty. Usually they are about incidents involving Asma that were funny, insightful or simply posts about how I miss her.

I don't think I've ever posted about the times where she would get her wounds taken care of, when she would randomly start bleeding or when she would cry at the top of her lungs out of pain.

I wondered why that was and I guess it is because I don't think I'm quite ready to speak about that - even after over three years. Just the thought of it makes me nervous and my heart starts to beat quite rapidly. It is a quite horrible feeling to have. You don't know what to do exactly. At times it feels like my heart and the rest of my innerself will explode.

Maybe one day I will post about them. It will be when I think I'm ready and able to speak about it without feeling horrible inside. Don't know how soon it will be.

Perhaps I will never speak about them. Allahu Alim.

I don't know...

May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and the rest of family shiffa and complete sabr. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and take our souls in the state of Islam. Ameen
May Allah give me the strenght and courage to hold up well when speaking about such emotional times. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Old Memories

2008-04-07T23:38:00.004-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

I am working on a presentation for one of my classes. My presentation is on Osteosarcoma - the same cancer that Asma had.

So as I'm searching the net for images and some info, it made me feel scared. I guess it was bringing back old memories. Really, it felt like the day Asma was diagnosed all over again.

My heart would tremble and my and my eyes would tear up. There aren't really any words to describe this. You start to think about the old times and the hardships Asma and my family went through. You can't help but get down. What can you do? What do you do?

You try to convince yourself that it will be okay and one day Insha'Allah we can be reunited with Asma once again. Although all that may be true, you still can't let go of the fact that she was once here and now she is gone. How can you stop yourself from missing her?

You cannot. Just can't.

I just thought I'd post about this. Tomorrow is my presentation. We'll see how that goes. Make dua'a for me Insha'Allah ta'la.

May Allah bless my parents for what they have endured during this ordeal. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest. Ameen
May Allah give us all patience. Ameen
May Allah take our souls in the state of Islam. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Jealousy

2008-04-04T09:13:00.003-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

May you all be in the best of health and Emaan, Ameen.

I randomly started to think about an incident with Asma that made me smile (and made me miss her even more).

It took place when she was around 3-5 years old. Maybe even a little younger. There were a bunch of kids in the room as guests were over for dinner.

I sat down on the floor to make sure everything was fine with the kids. As I started to watch T.V., this little kid comes (probably a little younger than Asma) and sits on my lap. I don't know why, but he seemed to like me. Out of nowhere, he comes and sits on my lap and wouldn't move.

Well, as you may have guessed it, Asma stopped whatever she was doing and walked over towards me. She stands by me and looks at the little boy sitting on my lap. Subhana'Allah I could tell quite clearly she was jealous and did not like how the boy was on my lap. Her facial expression and body language gave it away.

She started to push the boy out of my lap - making room for herself. To be honest, I wanted to laugh, but I kept it inside. Just cracked a smile at the most.

The little boy didn't know what was going on. As I sat with my legs crossed, I took the little boy and placed on my right leg and let Asma sit on my left leg.

Although it is not exactly what she wanted (she wanted me to herself and the boy to leave), she sat on my leg and remained quiet as she held me, refusing to let go.

This was such a long time ago, yet to this day, I still remember it. Each time I think about it, I always end up smiling if not laughing.

Subhana'Allah I miss that a lot. She didn't like anyone (besides my family) coming near me. Otherwise, she would get very jealous.

Subhana'Allah I miss her a lot.

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for all that they've gone through. Ameen
May Allah give them complete shiffa. Ameen
May Allah give us all sabr to deal with this. Ameen
May Allah give us the chance to prepare for death and take our souls in the state of Islam. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah

Patience: Asma vs Me

2008-03-26T00:00:00.004-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

I have been really sick lately - don't know why or what it is. Insha'Allah it is an expiation for all my sins.

Anyway, most of the time I would spend in bed resting because I am completely drained. I have nothing in me. Whenever I am downstairs, I would use the bed that Asma used when she was ill. It was the same bed that she was on when she passed away.

As I was there on her bed, staring at the ceiling, I started to think about Asma.

"How did she do it?"

"What got her through it?"

All these 'What' and 'How' questions started to go through my mind. Here I am in bed for a short period of time (like days) and I am already complaining. I am already wondering why am I in this pain and how long will it last for - and it only has been days!

Compare that to Asma who has been bed-ridden for almost three years straight! Not once did she complain. Not once did she ever become disgruntled or frustrated with us.

It had gotten to the point where the skin on her back started to peel because she had developed bed sores all over. Despite all that she never displayed any form of frustration or ill feelings towards anything or anyone.

My back has been starting to hurt constantly and feels very sore. How is it that she was bed-ridden for three years and didn't feel it? Or did she? I don't think anyone knows she never complained.

I'm constantly learning from her even three years after she had passed away. One of the things that I have learnt is patience. I have been in the same room as her where she would scream at the top of her lungs (I'm going to write about this soon in the future Insha'Allah) waking up the whole hospital floor. She has taken so much pain. She has been patient and not once did she ever lose hope or complain. If anything, she always asked Allah to forgive her for any wrongdoing she has done. :'( That always makes me cry.

So if a little girl like her can do that, why not me? How is it that she went through so many trials/pain and remained patient until the very end, but here I am sick and in pain for a short amount of time, already frustrated and wondering why am I like this.

May Allah elevate her status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah take our souls as Believers. Ameen
May Allah make our sicknesses as a means of expiation of our sins. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents immensely. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Zoo

2008-03-02T01:55:00.003-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

For one of my classes, I had to go to the zoo today to observe the behavior of the animals - including the animal I'm doing my research on for my grant proposal.

Quite frankly, the only reason why I went was because I had to. As I mentioned to my mother, I really did not want to go.

Why? Well, because it reminded me of Asma.

Asma loved to go to the zoo. She loved animals from rabbits to lions to elephants. I remember when she was younger, she would actually chase the rabbits in our backyard. She would run around chasing them thinking she would actually capture one. It was quite amusing to say the least.

There were many moments during my time at the zoo where Asma would pop into my mind out of nowhere. Instead of doing what I needed to do, I would just start day dreaming of Asma and how she loved animals and loved to be at the zoo. Then all of a sudden I'd snap out of it and continue on with my work. This would happen quite often.

She would have loved the animals that I saw today. I think she would have loved the polar bear and the dolphins the most.

She had a natural soft spot for animals. She pretty much found everything cute. lol

If we were watching a show on animals or if she saw an animal outside, she would start saying 'Awwwww!' or 'Awww its sooooo cute!'

I'd just turn my head towards and give her this 'Uhh, you're strange' look. She would just start laughing- sometimes hysterically.

Good times. Alhamdulillah I was able to have good times with her. They have become memories now.

But at the same, those memories make me sad. They made me sad today at the zoo. As a result, I quickly did my work and left as I did not want to stay any longer. It was getting a bit too much for me towards the end. I wasn't really into the animals anymore.

May Allah bless her Soul. Ameen
May Allah reunite us once again with Asma. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and take our Souls in the state of Islam. Ameen
May Allah protect us all. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for what they have endured. Ameen
May Allah give them and us all sabr. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

A Sister, A Friend

2008-02-28T23:29:00.003-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Yes, once again I need Asma - especially right now.

I remember, whenever I would have a tough time or be down about something, I'd go to Asma just to speak. All I need to do was go to her and talk to her. She would sit there and listen to me vent. She would not tell me to go away or say she is busy.

Strange how the age difference between us was about 11 years, but she acted as if she was my age because she would always speak to me in a mature way. She would even do her best to me give me naseeha (or advice).

When people turned their backs, she was there (even when sick).

When people didn't care, she did (even when sick).

When people didn't have time, she did (even when sick).

I can only think about those times now. Thats all I can do. She isn't coming back.

I guess I just have to get over being down. I mean, what else can I do?

She was not only a sister to me, but also a great friend.

: (

May Allah bless her Soul. Ameen
May Allah reunite us all with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah elevate her status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for what they went through and give them sabr. Ameen
May Allah take our Souls as Believers. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Couldn't Take It Anymore

2008-02-25T10:37:00.003-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

As some of you may know, we had taken Asma to another state for her cancer treatment. We took her after all the doctors had given up on her and said we are free to do whatever we wish. Of course, just because they have given up didn't mean we should do too.

Anyway, one of the states we took her to was Georgia. In Georgia, we were in a subarb of the city of Atlanta called Stockbridge. It was a big change going from a place like Chicago to a town called Stockbridge. Georgia as a whole was much different than what I am used to. It is more quiet and peaceful. It is less busy than Chicago.

Of course, that also means the Muslim community is also smaller. Although Atlanta has a large number of Muslims, it isn't like Chicago. Moreover, the number of Muslim grocery and shopping stores in Georgia isn't anywhere near the number Chicago has to offer. Also, the Muslim stores and restaurants in Georgia are scattered in different areas. Some were quite a distance away. However, in Chicago, Muslim stores and restaurants are pretty much altogether. For example, the Indian/Pakistani stores and restaurants are all located on one street - Devon Avenue. It is heavily populated and well traveled.

Anyhow, I was having lunch with my parents yesterday. Actually, my father and I were eating, but my mother was sitting on the recliner talking to us as we ate. Somehow my father brought up a restaurant in Atlanta and said we may have gone there during our time there. I then brought up how Muslim stores and restaurants are scattered all over the place. Then the memories came back...

My father started to say how tough that part of our life was. My mother agreed and said it was a scary moment. The days would go by very slow and each day was full of uncertainty. I honestly cannot put in words the feeling we had during those days. If I haven't already, I will post about my experience in Georgia Insha'Allah.

So as we were speaking, I mentioned how I feel bad that sometimes I would be 'aggressive' or speak to Asma with a stern voice if she would not take her medicine or get her treatment. Subhana'Allah it is very heartbreaking. The only reason why I did that was because I wanted Asma to take her medicine and get her treatments.

My father and mother said the same thing and how they get upset with themselves sometimes for doing that. They wish they never did that.

Then I couldn't take it anymore. See, I try my best not to cry in front of my parents (or anyone else), but this time I just couldn't take it. As I was eating, I broke into tears. My heart was aching. I thought I was strong enough to hold my tears back while I was with my parents, but I felt my body weaken and break into tears. I couldn't help but to cry.

My parents were crying too. It was such a sad moment. Its been a little over three years, but feels like yesterday. The wound is still fresh.

I dont think a day has gone by where I failed to think about her. She may not be here physically, but is and will always be in my heart. She is a part of me and I always think of her - even if it brings tears most of the time.

May Allah elevate her status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah bless my parents and reward them for what they have gone through and going through right now. Ameen
May Allah keep us all on the straight path and take our Souls as Believers. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Three Years and Nine Days

2008-02-19T23:50:00.002-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Three years and nine days. That is how much time has passed since Asma passed away. However, it seems like yesterday that she left us.

We don't anything to commemorate her death as it is not from the Sunnah to do so. It isn't like we go out of the way to do something out of the ordinary on the anniversary of her death. However, it is only natural to think about her more than any other day.

I remember last Monday (on the 11th) I was just sitting there recollecting the events that took place. It was scary. My heart beats fast whenever I do that. I feel like I would burst into tears any second. My eyes feel heavy along with my whole body.

I was thinking about what had happened since the morning of her death to the time of her burial. It is pretty strange how I get scared and nervous thinking about the day she died and was buried. I don't know why. Honestly, ever since I wrote the posts about the day she passed away and the day she was buried, I haven't been able to go back to read it. I just cannot do it. No matter how hard I try, I am unable to read it. Three years later, I still can't do it. I'm afraid. I'm afraid how I actually go through the events in detail. It is one thing to remember those times and it is another thing to actually read it and remember the events.

I have kind of blocked it out in my head. It is in the back of my mind. I can't think about it nor do I want to. It'd be too much for me to handle. As I sit here thinking, I cannot understand how my family (especially parents) and I actually went through that time. If I were to experience the same thing now, I'm not so sure if I would be able to do everything all over again. Maybe its my fear...

Just a while ago, my mother was looking at old pictures and reading old letters that she had stored in a little container. In there were pictures of Asma when she was a baby (probably a year old - maybe younger). It brought a smile to my face while wanting to cry inside. It brought back old memories. I wanted to pinch her cheeks and hold her tightly and kiss her all over.

Insha'Allah I will scan it and post it up here soon. She has a smile ear to ear. Very beautiful picture.

As I was looking at the pictures, all of a sudden my mother started to cry as she covered her eyes. What do you really say to your mother who has lost a child? What can you say? What should you say? I really don't know.

Three years later, it still is very tender. Three years later, the wound still hasn't healed. It never will.

She is history now. Her chapter closed three years ago. Done.

All we have now are memories. Unfortunately, some of those memories are not so good.

I don't know what to say anymore as Im losing myself in thoughts of Asma. I will be back soon to post again. I just can't think anymore.

I miss my little Asma.

May Allah reunite us once again with Asma. Ameen
May Allah bless her Soul and elevate her status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents greatly and give them complete shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah send Asma in our dreams so we can have a sense of peace in our hearts. Ameen
May Allah keep us all firm upon the truth and take our Souls as Believers. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Just Had a Dream of Asma

2008-01-26T10:14:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

I literally woke up a few minutes ago and walked over to my computer right away. I just had a dream of Asma, Alhamdulillah. I figured I'd post about it.

It is strange. Just the other day I was wondering why Asma hasn't been coming into my dreams lately. I think about Asma all the time and just wish to see her once again. I'm always anxious to see her in my dreams. Every night I go to sleep, I pray that I get to dream about her.

Do I get sad or do I get happy when I dream of her? Honestly, I really do not know. I guess it is a mixed feeling. It is sad because she is histroy now and will never come back to this dunya. It is sad because I miss her. At the same time, it is a great feeling to be able to dream of her because it is soothing to my heart. I dont know why, but it feels nice and soft inside. I actually get to see her and hear her soft voice. Either way, I do not want to stop dreaming of her.

In this dream, Asma appeared to be a bit younger. She was about 6-8 years old. She was looking very pretty in her pink clothes - a sweat shirt to go with her sweat pants. She had no sign of any illness or wounds.

She had the same silky black hair down to her shoulders. Well, a bit below her shoulders. Her skin was so soft and flawless of any blemishes.

I brought her into some sort of an Indian/Pakistani store where they were going to have a 'sisters only' event and sing nasheeds or something similar. The part that was strange was that although she appeared to be perfectly normal and healthy, in my mind I knew she was sick and was going to die. I was even carrying her in my arms the same way I did when she had a tumor in her leg and even when they amputated it. However, in the dream, she had both legs and was free of any cancer or illness.

I set her down on a futon (it is like a bed which can fold into a sofa) with pillows on it. For a few minutes, she was playing with me and laughing. She was playing with me like she used to. She was laughing the same as she did when she was here and healthy.

After a while, I she was yawning and put her head down on the pillow. She was closing her eyes and asked me to get my father. She wanted him to be with her when she went to sleep.

When she was with us, she wouldn't go to sleep without my father. He would put her to sleep many times by massaging her head, arms or legs. Even during her last moments of her life with us, she wanted my father to be near her. If you read my post about the day she passed away, you will see the part where she even gave her hand to my father and looked at him during her last seconds. Subhana'Allah :'(

Before I could get my father in the dream, I woke up. It was a bittersweet feeling. It brought back memories of both sad and happy times. Alhamdulillah, the happy memories outweighed the sad ones this time. Still, I can feel the heaviness in my heart.

I was under my blanket when I woke up. Before getting up to walk over to the computer, all I said was, 'I miss her.'

:'(

May Allah elevate Asma's status/level in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah send Asma into our dreams until we are reunited. Ameen
May Allah guide us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah take our Souls as Believers. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents greatly for what they have done and gone through. Ameen
May Allah give my parents complete shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah protect my parents. Ameen
May Allah protect us all from fitnah. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Another Reminder of Asma

2008-01-10T18:10:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

I've been pretty busy lately. I have had some time off and had time to take care of things at home and run errands. One of the things I have been able to accomplish is taking care of huge stacks of papers that needed to be thrown away or filed away.

The hardest thing about it is when I come across anything related to Asma. Just a few minutes ago I dug up her hospital bills, blood reports, pathology reports, clinical reports, readings of her x-rays, various documents about the therapies she has either gotten or was about to get. I even found a dated name tag that I had to wear when I visited her at the hospital on the February 9th - six days before she passed away. I also found two notes from the doctor to my professors requesting to excuse me from class.

I'm keeping them all. Everything. I'm just storing them in a box and putting them away somewhere along with her belongings.

It makes me real sad thinking back to those times. Just reminds me of the pain Asma had gone through. Reminds me of the hardship she had to endure. It also reminds me of the pain and heartbreak my parents had to experience during all this.

Subhana'Allah, I'd say that has been the darkest time period of my life. Thinking back to it feels like someone is uncovering the deep wounds in my heart and having salt poured on it. It is so painful. Painful thinking about Asma and her screams and tearful pleas for help. Painful thinking about everything my parents tried to do for Asma. It is beginning to hurt me now. I can feel it in my heart once again.

I think I'm going to visit her grave tomorrow, Insha'Allah.

I guess this also reminds me of another thing - to all the people including my relatives who have hurt her or my parents while she was ill and fighting to live, may Allah punish you all. Ameen

It makes me so furious thinking about the stuff that has happened. One day, Insha'Allah, I will write all about. I will write about everyone who has hurt Asma and my parents in detail and expose them.

May Allah evelate Asma's status to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah bless and protect my parents and keep them firm upon the Haq. Ameen
May Allah punish everyone who has hurt Asma and my parents especially during the darkest period for us. Ameen
May Allah guide us all and keep us firm on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah give us peace and coolness in our hearts. Ameen
May Allah give us all sabr. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

How did she do it?

2007-12-23T13:13:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

How did she do it?

Subhana'Allah thats what I keep thinking about - how did Asma do it? I have been sick with a flu for the past three days. My body feels like it is broken into pieces. I have been in bed the whole time I have been sick - including now as I type this up.

It has been three days and Im already so tired of being in bed. I am already tired of not being able to get up and doing things on my own. I really dont like asking others to do things for me even if it something small. I feel like this after only three days! Yet Subhana'Allah Asma never ever complained about being in bed for three years. She has always been positive about everything regardless of she was feeling or her condition was.

I really dont know how she did it. Three days and I'm already tired of being in bed 24/7. Three years and Asma still never complained despite the pain and suffering she was experiencing.

All I can say is, Subhana'Allah.

May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reunite us all with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah guide us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah take our souls as Believers. Ameen
May Allah give us all sabr and complete shiffa. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

"I can't hear anymore."

2007-12-20T20:11:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

As mentioned before, Asma was mostly bed-ridden throughout her illness. There is only so much you can do while sitting in one position pretty much 24/7. Even if it is something you love doing, you cannot do it 24/7.

One of the things she did while in bed was watch T.V. She sometimes watched cartoons - mostly the ones where a kid can learn from. Anyway, one day she was watching T.V. as I was sitting next to her. I would usually sit with her while my mom would be cooking. Someone made sure to be with her in case of an emergency.

One of Asma's favorite cartoons was, 'Clifford the Red Dog.' She'd watch often and eventually knew each of the shows by heart. On that particular day as I sat by her, she turned her face from the T.V. and towards me and said, "I can't hear anymore."

With a confused look, I replied, "What? What do you mean?"

Asma said as she smiled, "I can't hear. The dog whistled, but I couldn't hear."

"Well, how do you know he whistled if you didn't hear it?," I asked.

Asma responds to me and says, "I watched this before and I know he whistled, but I can't hear that anymore."

She continues on and whistles. "Can you hear that?"

"Yes," I replied.

Asma said, "Yeah, well I can't."

That was when my heart sunk. Outwardly I tried to act all macho, but inside I wanted to curl into a ball as in a fetal position and never wanted to get up again. I tried to act macho and not show any emotions because Asma was smiling and didn't seem to care. She had the 'Oh well. Lets get over it. Move on.' type of attitude.

We later soon realized and came to learn that she had a part hearing loss due to the chemotherapy that she had gotten. Amongst many side effects/damages, hearing loss was one of them. She was unable to hear anything that was high-pitched.

She stopped being able to tell when her thermometer went off or when a smoke alarm had gone off.

It was a sad thing to see. But, what could have you done? It was a bitter part of the reality and we had to accept it.

Sad? Yes.

Heartbreaking? Yes.

Lesson learned? Yes. I learned (I think we all did) that Asma had taught me to be a strong person regardless of what we may encounter in our lives. There is someone who has it worse than we do.

I feel embarrassed when I think how Asma used to deal with trials and how I deal with them. She was 10 years younger than me...

Subhana'Allah.

May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest level. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah reward and bless my parents for going through this ordeal with keeping faith in Allah. Ameen
May Allah forgive us of our sins and guide us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah take our souls as Believers. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Asma's Competitiveness

2007-11-25T21:20:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Sometimes when I take a step back and read this blog, it seems as if I'm always posting about negative, depressing times. I guess it makes sense. I mean now that Asma is gone, its depressing. The feeling of emptiness is there and always will be. The posts that I have made in the past which were about good, fun times have overshadowed by the gloomy, sad posts. Therefore, I figured I should make more posts which may bring a smile to people (or atleast me) when reading about Asma.

Pretty much from the beginning since she became ill with cancer, Asma had been bed-ridden. She was immobile because of the massive tumor in her leg. What does one do while in bed all day, all night? The only times Asma left the bed was to go to the bathroom (and even then I would have to carry her) or when I took her to another bed downstairs.

Usually, she would either watch T.V., read or play games. The same was true for when she spent her time at the hospital during chemo.

Subhana'Allah, she was very competitive. I dont know how she did it, but she beat everyone in everything she played. She won so many times that people tried their best to beat her, yet still end up losing. Subhana'Allah that made me smile - even when she would beat me.

She had three favorite things to play: Uno (card game), checkers and Mario Cart on Nintendo64 (N64).

One of my favorite memories of her was playing N64 with her at the hospital on numerous occasions. I remember when she was in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) for a month straight prior to being transferred to another hospital to get her leg amputated, she was being given heavy doses of Morphine which had strong side effects. When being given Morphine, she would sleep most of the time. If she were up, she would just be in bed listening to peoples conversations. Her face would be expressionless.

The only two times that would "bring her to life" or put a smile on her face would be when my parents would be there and when I played N64 with her. She would actually sit up to play it with me. Subhana'Allah that was one of the best feelings - for her to smile because of me.

She wouldn't want to play N64 with anyone else but me. That makes me both happy and emotion as I type this. Ironically, I'd say that is one of the best times of my life. Strange isn't it?

The nurses would come into her room at the hospital and play Uno or checkers with her. They would actually come in and try to beat her. However, in the end, they'd walk out with another loss against Asma.

One can say that the game of Uno many times depends on the which cards you end up with. Yes, sometimes you get 'lucky' with certain cards. However, the same can't be said about Checkers. WIth that, you have to use your mind and make the next move. Even adults who knew how to play the game would lose to her.

I guess I can go on and on, but it just makes me smile everytime I think about this. It makes me smile even more when I think about how she loved playing N64 with me and how it made her feel happy. She would always be 'Princess' in Mario Cart and I would be 'Mario.' Fun times to say the least...

I miss her.

:'(

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah take our Souls in the state of Islam. Ameen
May Allah protect us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah

Inside the Pizza Shop

2007-11-06T18:40:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

I have been wanting to post this for a while now, but I did not have a way to upload this picture below from my mobile phone until recently, thanks to a good friend of mine, Muneer (May Allah bless him and keep him on the straight path. Ameen). So finally, here it is and I am posting this up.

To many, it may be nothing more than just a picture. To me, its much more than that - it carries memories filled with smiles and tears with it.

I mentioned in few my previous posts that I was in Tijuana, Mexico for Asma's cancer treatment. We were there during most of the Ramadan. Because we went there without knowing much about the area or the people, we really didn't know what to expect. So it was a bit difficult to find halaal food in the area where we were. Plus, we werent really focused on that either since we were so consumed with Asma's illness and her well-being.

The clinic/mini hospital (in which we also stayed) was located right along the beach. As soon as you crossed the street, it was the ocean. You could even hear the waves during the night as the wind picked up making it a bit breezy. It was an eerie feeling to say the least. Two people had died while we were there. Asma's condition was up and down on a daily basis. We were living in uncertainty.

Anyhow, I had found a place across the street for food. It was a little pizza shop right on the beachfront. I'd usually get two pizzas for my parents and I to last us through Suhoor and Iftar. Asma didn't eat much.

The pizza shop became our place to go for a few weeks. Thats pretty much all we ate for Suhoor and Iftar for three weeks straight. In fact, when we came back to Chicago, I had lost any desire to eat pizza for a long time as I was sick of eating it.

During one of the first days we found the pizza shop, Asma was feeling pretty good. We decided to eat there with Asma. We tried to take each and every opportunity to spend any available time with Asma as we didnt know if we will be blessed with another chance of being around Asma. Strange thing is that I feel like I could have spent a lot more time with her. : (

Since we didnt have a time table or anything that would tell us the time for Maghrib/Iftar, I would look out at the sun and watch it set. The picture above was taken from inside the pizza shop during one of the first days of finding that pizza shop. We were waiting to break our fast with Asma. It was a special moment because it was with Asma. We watched as the sun set until it had disappeared from the horizon. It was a neat to see that. What can be more accurate than to actually see it yourself.

Subhana'Allah, each and every place you go, you can witness Allah's beautiful Creations.

Anyhow, whenever I look at this picture, it brings back old memories of Asma and my parents and how we spent time our last days with Asma together. Along with those memories, this picture also brings many smiles and tears...

I truly miss her.

May Allah elevate Asma's level to the highest in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah accept our souls in the state of Islam and reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for everything they have done for Asma and for their patience and faith in Allah to deal with this trial. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr and complete shiffa. Ameen
May Allah open the hearts of the Muslims and clear them of evil. Ameen
May Allah guide us to the straigth path. Ameen
May Allah protect us all. Ameen.
May Allah forgive me if I have upset or offended Asma. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Tears Dont Stop

2007-09-30T11:46:00.001-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I just got home from the store. As I was driving through the neighborhood, I noticed there is a little fair for the kids at the park near my house. It is set up for the little kids. Asma instantly came to my mind.

She loved these kinds of things. She loved to play and have fun.

I almost broke into tears. I was on the verge of crying. I tried hard to hold back tears.

People say as time goes by, it gets easier. Is that really true? It certainly doesnt seem or feel like it.

Lately, I have been thinking about Asma more and more. Wherever and whenever, I think of Asma.

Outwardly it may seem like I am okay and having a good time. But inside, Im sad and I miss Asma very much.

Does this mean I have kept myself from moving on? No.

It just means that I have lost interest in this dunya (actually thats a good thing). It means that lately I have been wanting to try harder to be a good Muslim and work for the akhirah.

Sometimes its hard fighting and holding back tears. I noticed whenever Id talk about Asma with others, Id end up becoming quiet or just leave because Id be on the verge of crying.

It takes a lot for me to cry. It is not easy to make me cry. However, when it comes to Asma, it takes very little for me to cry.

I miss her. A lot.

May Allah elevate her status in the Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite my family and I with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents and elevate their status for holding up and going through this ordeal in the right manner. Ameen
May Allah take our souls as Believers. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Ramadan: Asma and a Lesson Learned

2007-09-28T09:21:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Subhana'Allah it has been such a long time since I've posted here. I have been extremely busy with everything. I have been very busy with classes especially with Ramadan. I wish I had more time in life so I can do more things especially Ibaadah.

Whether or not I post on this blog, Asma is on my mind all the time, 24/7. I miss her all the time. Even if I wanted to avoid thinking of her (which I'd never do), I wouldnt be able to as I am reminded of her constantly regardless of where I am.

When Ramadan started and even now, shes on our minds all the time. I remember Asma used to help my mom make food for Iftar. There was a time specifically where she was sitting in the kitchen in her wheelchair and making samosas on the table. My mom really misses that and gets emotional thinking about it. Whenever my mom would make something like that especially in Ramadan, she would think about that time.

Whenever I go downstairs for Suhoor, I think back at how Asma would whisper my name. Usually she would wake up late, but when Ramadan was around, she would wake up along with everyone else. Everyone would think she is asleep, but she would really be awake. As I would be about to go downstairs after brushing my teeth, I would hear my name Asma's whisper. She would ask me to take her downstairs since she cant go by herself. I go to and carry her downstairs. She would tell me to be quiet as she loved to surprise people. She loved to make my parents happy. lol

Everyone would get happy to see her. She would lighten the mood.

Even she didnt want to eat, she would sit there and watch others eat and listen to conversations. She liked to be around her family. She liked to be around people as long as it was her family. I guess she became turned off with people in general including many relatives because of her personal experiences with them. All she wanted to do was be with her family. She felt safe and quite honestly, she was very happy when with us.

I usually tell people to take advantage of being with your family especially during Ramadan. Im sure there are other benefits, but one thing I always think about is that how Im happy and consider myself blessed because I got to spend time with my family and Asma. It just made the time more humble and special than it already was. I rather do Suhoor and Iftar with my family than anywhere else even if we have very little to eat.

Life is too short. You dont know when you are going to die. Who would have thought Asma would have passed away at the age of 12? Take advantage while you can. You will look back and either regret it or be happy. So make use of this short time...

May Allah guide us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah protect us all. Ameen
May Allah forgive us all of our sins and accept our repentance. Ameen
May Allah accept our Ibaadah during this month. Ameen
May Allah bring us closer to Him and our families and strength the bonds of love and trust. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen

WasSalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

I Miss Her

2007-07-14T02:18:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Its been a long time since I've last updated this blog. Since the last time I've posted, I have been real busy cleaning my house and throwing out junk that has been piling up over several years.

Of course, there was so much stuff that belonged to Asma. Everything from her clothes to stuffed animals to ivy lines to wound dressing kits. I've literally thrown out hundreds of pounds worth of stuff. We tried to give away some of her clothes and medical supplies that belonged to her. It kind of felt good to give it to away to some organization that deals with kids and cancer.

Then there was stuff that I just couldnt throw away. Instead, I kept them and stored them in a cabinet for now. Later on I will put them in a box and store them away. I still have tons of stuff that I plan on keeping.

Yesterday my mom went in her room and tried to remove her clothes so she can give them away. Well, shortly after she went in, all of a sudden I hear her crying quietly. I knew why she crying. She was crying because she was thinking about how Asma used to wear those clothes and now they are just hanging there like they have been for over two years. My mom just walked out then without doing anything. It always happens. She will go in planning to remove her clothes to give away. Few minutes later she will come back crying while leaving the clothes untouched.

What can I say to her? Is there anything to say? I just let her be and give her space. What she is feeling, I can never feel.

Whether or not I see her belongings, I will still think about her every day and night. Not a day/night goes by without thinking of her. I miss her.

Maybe I will go visit her grave tomorrow. Insha'Allah I will.

Take care.

May Allah give my parents sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah take our soul as Believers. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and protect us from evil. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Reminded of Asma

2007-05-25T21:46:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Today was quite different than other days. Yeah we think about Asma everyday, but today it was different because while doing our daily activities, we were reminded of the day of her Janazah.

I took my mom for Jummah at Islamic Foundation (IFS), same place where Salatul Janazah was held for Asma. But thats not what reminded us of Asma. What reminded us of Asma was the route I took to go to the masjid. Part of the route was the same as the route we took when heading to the funeral home to give Asma ghusl and shroud her in the kafn.

My mom became slightly emotional as she was remembering the events that occured and also the feeling of emptiness that exists since the day she passed away.

Coincidentally, the time was 1:05 P.M. I vividly remember that time from the day she passed away because I remember looking at the clock at 1:05 as I was leaving for Jummah with my father and brother, about twenty minutes after Asma's body was taken by the funeral home from our house.

Of course, I cant even feel what my parents feel and go through with the loss of Asma. However, I know how I feel when thinking of Asma. It is so painful. Very. I wish I was a better bro to her. I wish I was a better friend to her. I wish I was a better person to her. I wish I had spent more time with her.

If there is one thing you can get out of of this post, I hope it is that we stop taking others for granted. Treat each day as if it is your last. What if you die before tomorrow comes? What if the other person dies before tomorrow comes? Then all you can do is regret. But what good will that do?

I may be the worst Muslim out there. But as Im going down in terms of my Imaan and feel like a horrible Muslim, thinking of Asma helps me come back up.

Why? Well because of two things:

1.) I want to meet Asma once again in the Akhirah
2.) Remembering how she lived reminds me of how I need to live...according to the Quran and Sunnah.

She truly was and still is an inspiration to me. I miss her.

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah take our souls as Believers from this world. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr and and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah protect us all. Ameen

Asslaaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Another Girl With Cancer Just Like Asma

2007-05-04T23:41:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Today I went to Islamic Foundation which is about 20 minutes away from my house for Jummah. Its the same masjid where the Salat ul Janazah was held for Asma. Anyhow, as I was leaving after I prayed Sunnah, I saw this kid I have known for a while now.

I met him at my old school about 3-4 years ago. One thing that makes him different from others that I know is that he has a sister who was also diagnosed with cancer. Coincidentally, she was also 12 years old and also had the same type of cancer, Osteogenicsarcoma (or Osteosarcoma).

I asked him how she was doing. Alhamdulillah, she has fully recovered and doing well. She too, like Asma, had chemotherapy, surgery and therapy. Masha'Allah she is doing very well. May Allah give her shiffa and sabr. Ameen

On the way home, I told my mom about it. My mom knows about her as well. She talked to the girl's mother on several occasions while Asma with us. My parents felt so bad for her and the family and knew exactly what they were going through. I know what the brother that I met was going through exactly. Its horrible. Its not something I'd wish upon my worst enemy. Its a feeling that I wish never to experience again.

Anyhow, we were thinking how she made it and doing well while Asma has passed away and is no longer with us. Asma and that girl would have been the same age. This led to the reminder that death doesnt distinguish. If it is written, it will happen. Nothing can stop it.

Allah Subhanawata'la had Willed for Asma to leave us on the morning of February 11th, 2005. However, He has Willed for that girl, who had the same cancer as Asma, to live and recover.

This should be a reminder to all of us. Many times we may question Allah's Will. However, who are we to do that? Who are we to question or challenge Allah and His Will?

One last thing before I end this post, I just want to share a quick story. Whenever I see the brother mentioned above, I think of his little sister and of course Asma. Moreover, I think about a particular incident that happened.

When Asma first found out about this girl, she was very touched and felt pretty horrible for her. Asma knew what it was like to go through the pain and deal with everything that comes with the illness. Asma wanted to meet her so she could talk to her and give her tips and advise her on dealing with the illness and give her emotional support.

Asma even got her a little present. Subhana'Allah Asma had a such a HUGE heart. Wallah she puts me to shame. :(

Well, I guess as it turns out, Asma never got to meet her. It seemed like her family didnt want to meet us and Asma. I guess it was because they didnt want their daughter who was suffering from the same illness to see Asma in the state she was in. Allahu Alim.

Anyhow, Asma was sad. She really wanted to meet the girl. It breaks my heart every time I think about it because Asma went out of her way to get her a present and hoped to meet her, but never did for whatever reason(s).

May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest level. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah take our souls as Believers. Ameen
May Allah give the girl and her family shiffa and sabr. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Asma's Belongings

2007-05-02T09:01:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

The other day I was cleaning the family room and opened the cabinet that we have standing in a corner. Its packed with Asma's belongings. Its there even from even when she was here with us. It hasn't been moved. Here it is below:

To a person who looks it for the first time, he/she may think that we are very disorganized and love clutter. However, that is not true. The problem is that our house is packed with her belongings. Everything started to accumulate throughout especially the 3 years she was ill. Everything from her person belongings prior to becoming ill to the day she passed away, its all there. From the gifts she has received to her wheelchair to her breathing tube, its all there.

Our basement is packed. Half of the basement is full of Asma's belongings. When that became full, we put stuff in the garage. When we ran out of room in there, we put stuff in the cabinet pictured above. Of course, there is stuff still in her room as it was the day she passed away.

There is so much stuff, its overwhelming. We plan to go through all of it and donate it to the Muslims or whoever is in need of them. We will not be giving away everything of hers. I will keep her personal stuff.

The point of this post was to remind ourselves how death can come without a warning. Whenever I open that cabinet, it is really hard to believe that she passed away. I mean when I look at the stuff she made in school or the stuff she used to play with, it is hard for me to comprehend that she is in longer with us.

Who would have thought she would leave this world at the age of 12? 12! Thats just the beginning in ones life. Normally, we would expect the older ones to go first. Its the normal cycle.

But then I realize how life is so short. Death can come anytime. It can come without a warning. When Asma was born on October 9th, 1992, we never thought she would die. However, she did 12 years later.

It may sound strange, but every time I open that cabinet, it reminds me of her obviously, but also death and how it can come anytime. We should not put off things for later when we can do it now. Who knows how much longer you have to live?

May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah take our souls as Believers. Ameen
May Allah make it easy on my parents and give them sabr and shiffa. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Guilty? Why?

2007-04-27T00:36:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

So why is it that every time I do something that may be considered "fun," I feel guilty? It is as if I feel bad for what I do.

Sometimes I will be talking to my friends and laughing when tell me a joke or something and all of a sudden I will stop. All of a sudden I feel quiet and guilty for doing so. How can I do that when Asma is not here to have fun?

It isn't a few-second thing. It is more of an all-day long thing. I will feel guilty all throughout the day. I may not show it all the time, but down inside I feel like what if she was here? It would be much different. How can I be so selfish to have fun without her? How can I be so careless? Heartless?

This is nuts. It drives me crazy. It is like I cant be in peace with this. Its always haunting me...

...like now.

:'( This sucks.

May Allah help me. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah raise Asma's level and status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah keep us all on the straight path and take our souls as Believers. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Become Better Muslims

2007-04-05T08:16:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

It has been a while since I've last updated this blog. Things have been pretty busy lately which have taken much of my time. Anyhow, whenever anyone posts a comment on this blog, I receieve an email letting me know that someone has posted a comment and that I need to either approve or reject it. So yesterday in the evening, I check my email and I see a comment that really put a smile on my face. The comment was posted on "For the Sake of Allah vs. Sake of Dunya." post.

Here is the comment left anonymously:

"asalaaam
may Allah (swt) reward asma and elevate her status in jannah to the highest level and forgive us and guide us all.. ameen..
tnk u for this blog it made me cry and strengthened my imaan.. she also passed away on my birthday which scared me.. i'll keep her and your family in my dua'z inshallah.. iv been struggling with starting to wear hijab and kept holding back the day where i would start.. and after reading this, this morning.. it gave me the courage to start today and stop procrastinating.. alhamdullillah"

Subhana'Allah, for a bit I had a big smile on my face. As I've mentioned before, two of the few reasons why I made this blog was to remind people of how quickly death can come and to get them to become better Muslims, Insha'Allah. So reading the comment above made me happy inside and also gave me a "push" to strive to do good as I am at the bottom of the pit compared to other Muslims. Subhana'Allah when I look around, I see Muslims much better than me. I feel like there is so much I need to do and even then, Im not so sure that I will make it to Jannah. So whatever good I can do, I will do it in hope that I can make it to Jannah.

This leads me to another point. This reminds me (which I tend to forget and have forgotten for so long that I cant even remember) that everything we do has consequences. Even if I look back at my actions and words that came out of my mouth recently, they had a huge impact on others. Those impacts werent necessarily good, unfortunately. I look back at the things I have done and said, and Wallah I regret it. I wish I can bring back time. I wish I can redo things and make them better. But the fact is that I cant. Whatever has been said and done, is histroy and recorded. I can only repent, correct and learn from my mistakes, and move on.

We should all be mindful of the things we say and do. I know there are times where I joke with others that cross the Islamic boundaries. I didnt realize it before until a friend of mine reminded me just the other day. My friend told me that when at times I would joke, I would lie to make others laugh and how theres a hadeeth about it. Subhana'Allah, now that I think about it, I feel disgusted.

RasoolAllah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said,

“Woe to the one who speaks and lies in order to make people laugh; woe to him, woe to him.”

Narrated by Abu Dawood, al-Tirmidhi and al-Nasaa’i with a jayyid isnaad.

Alhamdulillah, Im glad my friend reminded as I would have kept going for only Allah knows how long.

I remember whenever Asma joked, she stayed away from lies and made sure she was within Islamic boundaries. That puts me to shame. How was it that a little girl like her knew so much and acted upon it, yet here I am much older and would break the rules and go over the boundaries?

It really gives me something to think about. I really love this blog. Even if no one reads it, I come here to read it. It serves as a reminder to me to become a better Muslim. Of course, I also come here whenever I miss Asma and wish I can hold her once more and give her kisses.

:'(

May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah and reunite us with her once again. Ameen
May Allah reward my friend for reminding me and saving me from the trap of Shaitan. Ameen
May Allah protect us all from evil and harm and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah cure all the ones who are ill and forgive the ones who have passed on and grant them spacious graves and protect them from the fitnah of the graves. Ameen
May Allah reward the person who started wear hijab and give her strength to do more. Ameen
May Allah guide us all to the straight path. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Asma and Abedullah As Our Reminders

2007-02-28T08:39:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

So the other day I read some of the comments posted in my last entry by a fellow Muslim (dont know if it was a brother or sister who posted it) from my area. He/she mentioned a little 12 year old boy, Abedullah, had passed away just recently (I think last week on Thursday). The Salatul Janazah for him was held at the masjid I frequent.

Anyhow, the next day my dad mentioned to me he received an e-mail from somebody or from some mailing list that he is on. He told me it was about a 12 year old boy who died . I asked him if it was Abedullah and he said yes.

Stuff like this hits home harder because we can relate and feel the pain of the family losing a young child/sibling.

Then we started talking about how many others there are in the situation as us and how we arent the only ones. There are many, many others who are going through what my parents and family are going through. Many more have it worse.

I mean Subhana'Allah, there are many Muslims out there who have lost their kids, parents, siblings, wives/husbands in wars and accidents that happen everyday.

Every couple weeks you hear about some Muslim brother or sister dying in a car accident. Sometimes you hear about a fellow Muslim/Muslimah locally getting murderded. And of course you always hear about Muslims getting slaughtered in countries like Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia just to name a few. The list can go on and on.

I'm not saying that we always ignored other people and only worried about our situation. lol It's not like that nor was it ever. It's just that hearing stuff like this reassures us we arent alone and in many cases, others have it worse who have lost everything. Everything.

Wallah our hearts go out to people who have lost their children. Even I dont know the feeling of losing a child. I cant imagine what my parents go through. I dont know how they deal with it. I mean its hard enough losing a baby sister who was very dear to me. Losing a child? I cant imagine it.

Looking at other peoples hardships should be a reminder to us as well. We should look at how others have it worse. We should look at how others still remain steadfast despite the trials they are going through. Whatever trial you going through, think about others have it worse. Think about the previous nations had it much harder than us. Think about the trials the Sahabas went through. They had trust and faith in Allah Subhanawata'la which made them get through hardships.

May Allah elevate Asma's and Abedullah's status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah keep them with Ibrahim and Sarah (AS).
May Allah reunite us with them once again. Ameen
May Allah give the parents and the families sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah make us guide us all and make us better Muslims and take our souls as Believers. Ameen
May Allah protect all the Muslims around the world. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Two Years Today

2007-02-11T09:49:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Ever since this month of February started, I have not been able to stop thinking about Asma and the day she passed away. Before, when everytime February would come, I would be reminded of how I am one year older as my birthday is on February 7th. However, now Im reminded of the last days of Asma's life.

I still remember what she was doing on February 7th. I still remember how she was struggling to breathe and constantly coughing. I clearly remember what I was doing the night before she passed away. I also remember what was happening on the morning of February 11th, shortly before she passed away.

To read in detail about the day she passed away, read this entry which I composed soon after she passed away: Friday, February 11th 2005: day Asma passed away.

Lately, shes been on my mind more than usual. I guess its because the more trials I go through, it reminds me of Asma since she was always there to talk to me and help me get through it. When everyone spread rumors and believed lies, Asma trusted me and knew I was free from the accusations.

Its been two years today and everything is exactly the same as it was the day she passed away. Her clothes are still hanging in her closet. Her shoe is still in the same place as it was the day she passed away. Every single thing of hers.

I dont plan on getting rid of them. My whole family doesnt want to get rid of her belongings. How can we?

People tell us that we should get rid of it and move on. They have told us over and over that we shouldnt hold on to it and need to move on and live life.

But how can we get rid of her stuff? Why? For what? Its not like we worship it or think having them around will keep her alive and bring her soul into this house. No. I sometimes sleep with her little blanket next to me. I just keep it by me when I go to sleep.

I even have her hospital bracelet and even her prescriptions stored away safely. Im keeping them too.

I hate it when people say we need to move on. What on earth are they talking about? Its not like we are mourning 24/7 and have given up everything in this world. We go to work and school. We take care of the things that need to be done at home. We arent sitting in our rooms doing crying all the time.

I can clearly see Asma in my mind. I can imagine her laughing endlessly and speaking in her soft voice. I remember her smiles and her witty comments. I remember how she looked when she would dress up. Subhana'Allah I dont think I have forgotten anything of hers. I remember every single thing, both good and bad times. I remember good times like when she would smile and have fun at parties and I remember bad times like when she was at the hospital or be at home in pain. No matter how hard I try to forget the bad times, I cant. I occasionally have flashbacks of her when she was ill.

Its one more day without her. Its been two years without her. I dont know hard its going to get as times goes on. People say you will forget her as time goes by. Thats not true. We will always miss her deeply. Always.

I dont know how may parents do it. Wallah they have so much courage and strength to deal with this. I dont know what it is like to lose a child nor do I want to know. My parents have changed after Asma passed away. Actually, they started to change since Asma became ill. It has taken a toll on my parents health.

This is hard. I wish I can hug Asma and kiss her one more time... :'(

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah elevate her status to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents and give them the highest status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah give my family sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah keep us on the straight path and take our souls as Believers. Amen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Just Once More...

2007-02-02T13:28:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Its been almost two years since Asma passed away. It may seem like a long time, but its still fresh in our minds. I still have dreams of her. I always ask Allah Subhanawata'ala to bring Asma in my dreams. It will always be my wish, to see her once more. I remember after we prayed Salatul Janazah, we opened her casket and shroud to see her one last time. I remember I kissed her on the cheek. They were waiting for me to move so they can cover her once again and shut the casket. I wouldnt remove my lips from her cheek. I knew it would be the last time and I would always want to kiss her once more.

Thats how it is with my dreams. I ask Allah to show me Asma in my dreams. And everytime I see her in my dreams, I beg to see Asma once more...one last time. But I know that "one last time" will never end. Rather, it will always be "one last time."

When I have dreams of her, they are either flashbacks or dreams where I can see shes enjoying her time. She appears to be very happy.

Sometimes shes in a body of a newborn with her face when she was older. Sometimes she appears lifeless, but smiling and has droplets of water all over and is clean as a baby.

But when I have flashbacks, I have dreams where old, painful memories begin to come back. Many times I find myself waking up with tears all over my face and pillow. Other times I wake up all of a sudden in a panic mode.

I hate having flashbacks. They are about the times she went through and the conditions she was in. Wallah it really does feel like its happening all over again. Thats how real it seems. Thats how real it feels. Sometimes in my dreams I feel like tearing my heart out. And after I wake up, I have that same feeling for a while.

I really dont know nor can I imagine what my parents go through. Wallah I admire them.

I knew people have flashbacks, but I didnt know it would be this bad. I can even hear screams and plea for help in my flashbacks. I can even see my parents and know how they feel in my flasbacks. Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep in fear of having those flashbacks again.

But if I have to go through 50 flashbacks just to have one good dream where she is smiling and having fun and smelling so sweet, I'd do it.

Every single day I ask Allah Subhanawata'la to show me Asma once more. Just once more...

May Allah reunite us with Asma in the Akhirah. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents greatly for what they went through and are going through. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and take our souls as Believers. Ameen
May Allah show me and my family once more in our dreams. Ameen
May Allah save us from having flashbacks. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Trust

2007-01-28T16:04:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Wow, its already been a month since I've last posted on here. Time went by so fast. Subhana'Allah.

Lately times have been pretty tough for one reason or another. Alhamdulillah, Im getting through it and Insha'Allah will come out of it completely.

When I encounter a hardship, I get sometimes get angry or get depressed or both. I think of Asma and remember the times we have had together. I will also sometimes visit her grave at the cemetery.

I visited her grave after I got done grocery shopping yesterday. It was pretty chilly and cloudy. It made the mood even more depressing. Wasnt that bad though. Alhamdulillah.

As always, when I went to her grave, all these memories started flowing in my mind. As much as I would try to avoid them, I would also have memories of her in pain and when she was ill. I tried to focus more on the good times that we had together. Wallah she was full of life and full of love for people. She openly admitted I was her favorite bro (well later on she wouldnt say that in fear of hurting my other brothers feelings. lol).

I started to think of what would it be like to have Asma around when going through some tough times right now in life. Asma was a person who would always cheer you up and make you feel better. She knew what to say. She knew how to say it. She know what to do. She knew how to do it.

Whenever I would have a problem or would need advice, she would talk to me and help me out big time. Yes, all this from a girl who was half my age. Literally.

Wallahi everyday, even to this day, I still learn from Asma. She has taught me a lot. I either learned from her words of wisdom or the way she presented herself and by her actions.

One thing that I dont know why I failed to realize was that she was very wise when it came to trusting people. Of course she would give everyone a chance, but was also wise and cautious. She was alert. She knew how people act and what they say. She would trust them, but wouldnt trust them with everything. She kept a distance until she knew it was safe and the person was a good person.

Here I am, I trust everyone the very first time I meet them. Its not the fact that I regret trusting them, but about how much I trust them with everything and anything. I will even go on to tell them my personal life. Who in the right mind does that?

Asma never did that. She gave everyone the benefit of doubt and trusted them, but only to a certain point.

The reason why Im thinking about this a lot right now is because I trusted people with my secrets and they went ahead and told others about it. I trusted fellow Muslims with my words, but they went ahead and told others. I can only blame myself for this for being so naive (and stupid) for trusting people with all my secrets. I feel really stupid. I feel stupid because Im old enough to know better but I still did things out of stupidity. Asma on the other hand was way younger, but showed maturity and actually used her mind.

I dont know. I dont think Im making sense. If this post seemed way off, its because Im not thinking straight. I just thought Id post this to share how I miss Asma and how I keep thinking of her. Wish she was here to talk...

Damn I really loved her...

May Allah bless her soul and elevate her status to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with her once again in the hereafter. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr and shiffa and reward them greatly for everything they have done for Asma. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and take our souls as Believers. Ameen
May Allah allow me to see Asma in my dreams. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Almost Drowned in the Pacific Ocean

2006-12-28T00:22:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Yesterday the T.V. was on and for a split second they showed huge waves somewhere in an ocean. When my mom saw that, she recalled the time when my parents, Asma and I were about to drown.

It was when we were in Tijuana, Mexico for Asma's treatment. We were there because all the other doctors either refused to treat her or told us that we should pretty much take her home and make her comfortable as much as possible and prepare for death. I think I've written about our trip to Mexico, but Insha'Allah I will write more about it as Im never out of memories of Asma. You can give me a point in time and I go on and on and ramble away with memories of Asma.

It was on the Pacific Ocean (I think that's correct) where we almost drowned. About one hundred yards from us, was a fence that was dividing the border of U.S. and Mexico. One one side was U.S. and on the other side was Mexico.

I dont know why, but there werent any people there. Actually, it was a good thing they werent there. That gave us a bit more room and freedom to go there without worrying about any fitnah.
Asma loved beaches. She loved to play in the sand. She would make anything everything from sand. lol

Since Asma had her whole leg amputated all the way up to her hip, she was wheelchair bound. Because it was only my parents and Asma, I would do much of the pushing of her wheelchair. My parents would get tired more than they already were.

At first going to the beach was a challenge. I mean its hard enough to walk sometimes in the sand, yet here I am with a wheelchair. But of course, I'd do anything for Asma.

Even before going down to the sand, I had to down about 3-4 sets of stairs of 5. So I turned her wheelchair around and tilted her wheelchair back so that I could roll her wheelchair down on the back wheels step by step. That itself was a task.

Then was once we came down to the sand, the next obstacles was actually going through the sand. How would I push her wheelchair through sand? I decided to turn her around her wheelchair again and pull her wheelchair backwards on its back wheels again. Even though it worked, it was a workout in itself. I felt it in my arms. lol

Asma happily got out of her wheelchair and sat on the sand and started to play. She was very excited. She made everything and anything with sand until she got tired and bored. My parents were talking to each other. Asma then wanted to soak her foot in water.

Ever since Asma became ill, she was the one and only concern in our life, especially for my parents. All they did was worry and try to think of ways to help Asma win the battle against cancer. If you ever saw them smile, it was only on the outside. Inside they were crying and torn apart.

Anyways, surely enough, we agreed to do that. I picked Asma up so that she could stand on her foot. Whenever Asma wanted to stand on her foot, I would hold her from the back. She would raise her arms all the way up allowing me to wrap my arounds her, tightly holding her. She would then put her arms back down and start to slowly walk as she would take steps with her foot. I would in a way guide her where to go.

We got up to the edges of of where the waves came to a stop and go back. It was enough for Asma to get her foot soaked. She liked it. The water was nice and cool. It was refreshing. It came up to our ankles. My parents were there too. Wallahi anything that made Asma happy, it made my parents happy too. A smile on her put a smile on my parents. :'( Subhana'Allah.

Everything was going well. Asma was happy and so were my parents. I was happy too knowing everyone else was happy.

All of a sudden the currents got stronger and the water actually went pretty far out. Now, it may not seem much when I say that the water was up to the ankles, but it is a lot especially when the currents are strong and you are holding someone who is totally depending on you.

As the water would go back into the ocean, the sand underneath our feet would also wash away with the water. This caused us to lose balance and something to stand upon.

You know how if you spin in circles really fast and then stop and you feel dizzy and everything around is spinning? Well thats exactly how it seemed to us when looking down at the water and how fast the sand was being washed away.

My first instinct was to hold on to Asma firmly and make sure she was in my arms and in my control. Honestly, I didnt care what would have happened to me. I just told myself, "If I drown, so be it. Oh well." There was no way in hell would I let something happen to Asma. She was our little precious jewel.

The problem didnt stop there though. I also had to worry about my parents. Obviously I didnt want them to drown either. I had to worry about my parents and Asma.

Although I was worried about both of my parents and Asma, I was more worried for my mom and Asma because I knew my dad could handle himself whereas my mom wouldnt be able to.

My dad was holding Asma with his left hand and my mom with his right. My mom was holding Asma with her right hand.

I kept telling my parents to get away from the water and walk back so they can be safe. I wanted to focus on saving Asma, but I also had to worry about my parents. My parents wouldn't go. My mom was shouting more than my dad. We were afraid we would lose Asma. :'(

I kept telling them go and not worry about me and Asma. But they kept refusing and instead told me to get out with Asma. Their main concern was saving Asma and I.

I somehow was able to plant my feet firmly into the sand (even with the water washing it away). It was hard trying to maintain balance and keep Asma tightly in my arms.

Anyways, I, with the help my of parents, did manage to get Asma out of the water and onto the land where it was safe for us. Alhamdulillah.

We looked at the water and how we were about to get swallowed by the massive ocean. Subhana'Allah. Just look at the power and strength of Allah. Its a reminder of how Mighty and Powerful Allah is. Just look around you. Nothing is done or created without the Will of Allah. Allahu Akbar!

Subhana'Allah I was so relieved and happy that Asma and my parents were okay. My heart was beating so fast. I just didnt want anything to happen to my parents and Asma. I feel like thats all I have in this life...my parents and Asma. Well, now Asma is gone. The little Princess is gone. :'(

We made sure never to go back again. I dont know how, but we made it out safely. Well, it was the Will of Allah. Nothing but His Will. Subhana'Allah.

After we went back to the clinic we were staying at and even when we went back home in Chicago, we would think about the scare in the water and actually laugh at it, but even more we would think how we were saved by Allah SubhanaWata'ala.

After thinking about all this, I wish I can hold Asma once again and wrap my arms around her one more time. Just once more... :'(

May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents greatly for all what they did and going through right now. Ameen
May Allah give them sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah give my parents happiness and strength to get through this trial. Ameen
May Allah make us all better Muslims and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah allow us to prepare for death. Ameen
May Allah take our souls as Muslims. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Asma and Her Goat

2006-12-27T01:12:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

So as the days are passing by and approaching Eid, I am thinking more and more about how I am going to slaughter the goat(s) at the farm after the prayer, Insha'Allah. As I was thinking about the past and how I slaughtered before, I remembered how Asma was with there with me.

I started to look for the pictures that were taken there and for a while couldnt find them. Just the other day I stumbled upon them and found the picture I was looking for, Alhamdulillah.

As you can see in the pic below, Asma is holding onto the horn (is that what you call it? Sorry my mind isnt working that well right now) and posing with the goat. lol She loved animals.

This is the goat that she picked out. When I was getting ready to slaughter the goat, I told Asma to watch me as I did. At first she tried to watch as I was getting ready, but as I was doing it, she covered her eyes with her hands and said, "I cant look." lol

When my mom cooked it, Asma couldnt eat it because she was sad and felt so attached to the goat. lol It was pretty funny. When I was slaughtering it, it was as if she wanted to cry because she was so sad. lol

Anyhow, here is the pic, Insha'Allah:

As you can see she has real short hair. Its because it was right after she had chemo and her hair started to grow back. She has been wheelchair bound ever since she became ill.

Insha'Allah I got more pics coming up soon. Keep checking back for more.

Sometimes when I post pics, it throws off this blog. The column in the right side is for some reason pushed all the way down.

May Allah elevate Asma's level to the highest in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite my family and I with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah keep us on the straight path and forgive us of our sins. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents greatly for their efforts and the sacrifices that they have made for Asma. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

I Wish She Was Here

2006-12-16T02:27:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I wish Asma was here. I miss her a lot. I miss her so much. Whenever I was down, she was always there to talk and listen. Just being in her presence made me feel much better.

I feel so out of it right now. I feel alone. I feel sad. I feel pissed. I feel angry. I dont know how else to put it. Its wierd.

I wish she was here though. I wish I can talk to her and feel better. She understood me. She understood where I was coming from. She understood what I was trying to say.

I miss her so much. I love her so much.

I wish she was here...

May Allah reunite us with her once again. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

"Snowy" Memories

2006-12-01T22:43:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabaraktuh,

Today we have gotten our first snowfall. I dont know how many inches, but I'd say about 6-8 inches. Of course, as with everything, it reminded me of Asma.
As I was outside snowblowing the snow off of the driveway, my neighbors asked me to do theirs as well.

One of my neighbors gave me a chocolate cake for removing snow from his driveway. Too bad I cant eat sweets. lol My other neighbor gave me $20 for removing snow. That reminded me of something. I remember when I was younger, I'd go around the block removing peoples snow from their driveway with my snowblower. Of course, with me, both of my sisters would tag along even though sometimes I would tell them to stay home. Asma would come along with her mini pink shovel. lol She would play around more than anything while I'd be removing snow.

Then in the end, both of my sister would get paid too! They would get all happy. Asma would ask Aysha what she would do with the money they got. They would end up saving it for something later on. Of course, that would them come with me even more because they will get money too.

Then they would come home all happy with the money they had gotten for playing around. lol

Insha'Allah Im going to try to dig up some pictures of Asma in snow from the past.

The other memory that came to my mind was when Asma was in the hospital getting chemo. It was night time and there was a blizzard outside. I had a night class at the time, but I ended up not going. I just ended up spending time with Asma. It may not seem much of a memory to someone reading this, but to me it is. For some reason, that night always comes up in my mind. :( Sad, I know.

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again in the Akhirah. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah take the pain away from my parents and give them sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah make it easy upon us. Ameen.
May Allah elevate Asma's level in Jannah to the highest. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

I Miss Asma... SO MUCH :'(

2006-11-26T19:58:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Its been about a month since I've updated this blog. As I was telling a good friend of mine, I cant just come here for 5 minutes and update it. When I update this blog, I need to do it without any distractions around me. There is so much to talk about with so much detail, it wont do justice if I typed a post in 5 minutes. That is why I dont update often as I would like too. But, I will try harder, Insha'Allah.

Wallahi right now I'm so sad. I feel like crying. I was going through her pictures and wallahi I feel like Ive been hit hard. I dont know how the hell my parents do it. I dont know they are holding on and dealing with it.

I went to visit her grave yesterday when I left to run some errands for my parents and grocery shopping. When I went there, it brought back memories. It brought memories of her sweet, lively laughs filled with happiness.

She was full of innocence in a sense that she didnt have worries with her. She lived her life without worrying about anything. She was a grown-up and a kid at the same time.

I went and sat by her grave. I just sat there for a bit and made dua'a to Allah Subhanawata'ala to reunite us with Asma once again. I sat there thinking about our good times.

I remember how I fell asleep next to her while watching tv only to find myself waking up to her soft laughter. She was giggling because she had braided my beard while I was sleeping. lol When I woke up, my beard had many braids in it. I must admit, it took me forver to unbraid them. lol

I remember how Amsa and I used to go to physical therapies. Wallah, Asma was a true soldier. She was a Mujahida. She never gave up. I know every post I make on here, I try to add an Islamic perspective to it. In this post, I will definately say that Asma ALWAYS HAD faith in Allah and never, ever gave up.

All the pain she went through, all the trials and tribulations she went through, in the end, she would be thankful to Allah and ask Him to forgive her. Always. I dont think there was a time where she ever complained to Allah Subhanawata'ala. Im not exaggerating either.

Thinking about that puts me to shame. Here I am complaining about life and everything else while Asma who was a little kid, had so much faith and trust in Allah. Allahu Akbar!

As I sat besides her grave, I thought about how I wish I had asked her to forgive me for anything I have done or said before she passed away. :'(

I remembered how she used to get me out of trouble at home. lol Whenever my parents would be upset and yell or something, Asma would always get me out of it. She would pretend she is sick so that my parents would take their anger away and stop yelling. Either that or she would start asking them questions so they will take their focus away from me. lol She was awesome, Masha'Allah. lol

I remembeed how she was so loving and caring. I remembered how we became so close throughout the hard times. We really bonded. Honestly, I saw her as my best friend who was always there.

When she became sick, I had lost so many friends, but it was well worth it. For all the friends I have lost, Asma was meant more to me.

I just wish I can kiss her one more time. I just want to pick her up and just hold her once again close to me. :'(

I can go on and on, but Insha'Allah I will do so in my next post. For now, I will leave you with this picture of hers that was taken right before she became ill. It was taken at my cousins Walima. Shes about eight years old in this. She loved to dance. lol I also have a 5 minute video clip of this at home somewhere. I cant really look at her pics for more than a couple of seconds. It makes me feel wierd. Anyways, Im for the first time making her pics public...

Here it is:

Here is her school pic when she 9 years old:

Gosh, this is just hard. I want to cry... :'(

Allahu Akbar...

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah forgive Asma and elevate her status to the highest level. Ameen
May Allah place Asma with Ibrahim (As) and his wife Sarah (As) in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah make it easy for my family and I. Ameen
May Allah reward everyone who has been there for Asma during her illness and for my family after her death. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Eid...Bittersweet Moment

2006-10-23T04:15:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Its about 4:10 in the morning. I just got done cleaing the whole house in preparation of the guests that are coming over later on today after Eid prayer. I didnt even sleep.

As I started cleaning earlier today, I kept coming across Asma's belongings. I cleaned out her medicine cabinet. It was full of medication. Actually, its the first time we actually cleaned the cabinet after Asma passed away.

I took all medication from the cabinet and put it in a big box and put it away downstairs in the basement. I dont think Im ever going to throw it away. Call me nuts, but I want to keep every single thing of hers. I even have her breathing tube that she used up until she passed away. I know people will tell me to get rid of it and move on, but thats not going to happen.

I came across notes and letters and get well cards that were written for Asma. I came across presents that were given to Asma. I also came across things that Asma made. Most of the time, I try not to let it get to me. I just try to be strong and just keep the tears back.

But right now I dont think I can. Its hard. Its hard because Asma was so close to me. She was a special part of my life. She had a huge impact upon me. She had a place in my heart that NOTHING can ever replace. Wallahi, she was more than my best friend.

It was soon night time. It was around 10:00-11:00 PM when I found that its Eid. Subhana'Allah it was kind of sad because I miss Ramadan. I wish I had done more Ibaadah. I wish I did more. I wish I stayed up more during the nights.

But it was also sad because I thought about how happy Asma used to get when she would find out its Eid. Subhan'Allah she loved Eid. She loved celebrations.

She loved getting dressed and having people over. She loved getting mehendhi (henna) on her hands. She would get mehendhi with my other sister, Aysha. Asma and Aysha were inseparable. They couldnt be without each other. There were times when the whole day would go on and we wouldnt even see them until it was night time because they were so busy playing and talking together.

On Eid, Asma would be the first one up and and the first one to get dressed and ready. She would wear beautiful dresses with churyia (bangles? bracelets? I dont know what what you would call them. Someone help me out here).

Asma would usually have have pony tails with a little glitter on her eyes. She was truly a Princess. Subhan'Allah Im smiling as Im thinking of her and how she used to be so happy.

After Asma would get ready, she would get impatient as she would wait for everyone else to get ready. lol Sometimes we would take long to get ready and she would constantly be on our case until we were ready. She hated being late. lol

She loved showing off to my dad. Whenever my dad would wake up or come downstairs, Asma would always ask him, "How do I look?"

Occasionally she would have nail polish on.

Whenever she would wait for us to get ready, she would start to get bored. lol Asma would then start dancing in her new clothes and shoes.

It feels so wierd getting ready for Eid prayer without having Asma around.

Whenever people would give Asma money, she would count it at the end of the day. lol Asma wasnt the type that wasted money or useless things. She actually saved money for the future. She even had her own bank account.

In fact, Asma told my parents that when she dies, she wants my parents to take the money and spend it on my older brother's wedding. :'( That makes me want to cry.

There are so many things I can talk about...so many memories I can talk about. Im going have to save some for later, Insha'Allah ta'ala.

For now, I have to go and get ready for Eid prayer in a while. Please keep my parents and family in your dua'as, Insha'Allah. Jazak'Allahu khairan.

Heres another entry about Eid from before:

Eid

May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah give my parents shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah give my family shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah prepare us for the hereafter so we can be with Asma and saved from the Hellfire. Ameen
May Allah guide us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah give shiffa and sabr to the less fortunate ones. Ameen
May Allah accept our Ibaadah during the month of Ramadan and allow us to see another Ramadan next year. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and unite us together. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Would have been 14 years old

2006-10-10T12:49:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

First of all, I have fixed the problem when subscribing to this blog. Now you should be able to subscribe. If you're still unable to do so, let me know Insha'Allah.

If you see anything else wrong on this blog, please let me know. Jazak'Allah khair.

----------

Asma would have turned 14 years old yesterday. She was born on October 9th, 1992. Actually she was born around the same day (Friday) and the same time as she passed away. Even though that doesnt mean much, just thought it was interesting.

Like the rest of the family, Asma didnt celebrate birthdays. She knew it was wrong to celebrate not just birthdays, but other days that arent proven from the Sunnah.

Whenever people would ask her what she did for/on her birthday, she would say, "Nothing."

lol They would be surprised and be like, "Huh...what...nothing?" or "Okayyyy..."

Asma wouldnt feel bad or embarrassed at all. She would go on to say, "I dont celebrate birthdays. Its against my religion."

She would say that or something to that extent.

Asma was tried her best to live and act according to the Quran and Sunnah. She put me to shame.

In fact, she would challenge even the elders when she would see something that was a bidah (innovation) or haraam (forbidden).

Asma would ask, "Did the Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasalam do it? Did he tell you to do it?"

If someone replied "No," Asma would ask, "Then why are you doing it?"

Wallahi, Asma was very strong with her beliefs and held her ground.

After I started to grow my beard, Asma knew it wasnt from the Sunnah to trim the beard. Before, when I used to think about trimming it, Asma told me she wouldnt talk to me if I ever trimmed it.

Once I actually did trim it and she became upset with me. Really, she was upset and kept asking me why I did it. She actually talked some sense into me. lol

Anyways, whether it'd be food from birthdays or some day in which people do bidah, Asma refused to eat it.

Thats how strong she was.

During Taraweeh two nights ago, I kept thinking of Asma. I kept thinking how much I miss her. I kept thinking how much I loved her. I kept thinking how much I want to be reunited with her again after I die.

I hope I can make it to Jannah and see her. I'm really afraid to die.

I cant even imagine to think what she would be like at the age of 14. Wow, I wish I knew.

Asma always used to say that she didnt want to be a teenager. She said that because she saw how the kuffar are when they get older and the (haraam) things they do. Asma wanted any of that and was disgusted by it.

She hated it. She said she never wants to go near it and doesnt want any part of it.

She passed a little before turning 13. Interesting, isnt it?

Its so wierd how Asma used to tell me she would never make it to 18 years old as if she knew for sure.

One day I was talking to Asma and asked, "So are you going to dance at my wedding?"

Asma smiled and replied, "No."

I said, "No? Why not?" as I was a confused.

Asma then says, "Because I will never make it (to see your wedding)." You just watch..."

She said this all while smiling.

That crushed me. I was sad. I was heartbroken. I wanted to cry.

It was as if she knew her death was coming. Not only that, Im surprised how well she took it. I mean when people know they are dying or would die soon, they freak out. Yet here she is, just fine knowing she wont live long.

Dont get me wrong...Asma never gave up. She took her medication as much as she could. She did whatever she had to do. She went in for physical therapies.

Asma was a true fighter. She was a soldier. Allahu Akbar!

Its just that I guess she being realistic. At the time, I guess we convinced ourselves that Asma was going to live and will make it. Even to the last minute of her life, we thought she would make it.

My mom didnt even believe it when she died. My mom just said that Asma was sleeping because shes very tired.

:'( Gosh that was one of the hardest things to hear and see. :'(

I always loved her. I love her. I will always love her.

I miss her a lot and nothing can take that feeling away.

I just, no way in hell, can imagine what my parents are going through. Wow.

As I went to a funeral yesterday, it was bringing back memories of Asma and her funeral and funder procession. It was sad.

Subhana'Allah there were people there I never even met in my life. Wallah the funeral procession was so long, that the police had to come and block off the traffic. We didnt even ask for it. They just came and did it themselves. People have said the procession was miles long.

The Salatul Janazah was packed. I mean packed. People have said there were about 500-700 people. I believe it. It was packed.

Allahu Akbar...

All this for a little girl.

She was a true soldier...she fought till the end. She kept faith in Allah till the end. She tried to follow the Sunnah till the end. She challenged and tried to destroy any bidah and kufr till the end.

I wish I can say that about myself...

I wish I can kiss her once more... :'(

May Allah reunite my parents, my family and myself with Asma once again in the akirah. Ameen
May Allah forgive her sins and raise her level in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah give my parents shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah give my family shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah guide us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Asma and Ramadan

2006-09-24T16:49:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Its been over a month since I've last updated my blog even though I said I would start updating it more often. However, because of personal reasons (family thing), I havent been able to. However, things seem to be better now, Alhamdulillah. Some people even emailed me in regards to my blog and I havent been able to get back to them. Forgive me, Insha'Allah. I will get back to you soon, Insha'Allah ta'la.

So today was the first day of Ramadan (second for some depending where you are in the world) and Wallah, Asma has been on my mind non stop. Whatever I would do or think, Asma would be on my mind. As I would busy myself with chores and errands, the thoughts and memories would slowly fade away. A while later (maybe a several minutes), Asma comes back into my mind.

Its a sad, emotional feeling. As my father was leading prayers last night (he led Taraweeh at home so I prayed with him), Asma kept coming to my mind and I swear I felt like crying. Her cute, sparkling, yet mellow face would just pop into my mind with a beautiful smile as she always had.

I started to think about the times we had during previous Ramadans. I started to think about what she used to do with us during Ramadan. I started to think what we used to do with her during Ramadan. Subhana'Allah, every little thing would remind me of her. I really wanted to cry. Lately, I have been feeling like Im not the type of person that would cry anymore. I dont know why...

When talking to friends and relatives, I pretend that Im happy. I pretend that Im okay. But am I really...?

No. Deep down I'm still thinking about her. I'm still thinking about her laughs...her smiles...her giggles...her witty remarks...her determination...her strength, courage and bravery. Her everything.

Even watching a football game on tv reminds me of her. See, when she was around, wherever she went, she was the Princess. Basically, she was Princess Asma. Even places where no one knew her, she was treated like a Princess.

Anyways, at home, Asma had first priority over everything and anything. Everything was her way. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Now keep in mind she wasnt some little brat who would abuse the power and take advantage or people. Wallah she was of the most fairest people I have ever known. No joke. She would give everything up to make others happy...which she did. Many times.

Having said that, she knew that the tv was basically hers. If someone was watching tv and she wanted to watch it, all she had to say was, "I want to watch tv" and people would listen.

So every Sunday, the football games would be on. She knew that my father, brothers, Aysha love watching the Chicago Bears. My father wouldnt care much to watch it if Asma wanted to watch something.

So every Sunday she would tell everyone that she wants the remote control (or clicker lol) even before the game would start because she knew we wanted to watch the game. I would literally beg Asma for the remote so I can watch the Bears play.

She would firmly, but politely say, "No."

I would keep asking for it and keep getting the same response from her. I would finally give up and do whatever I would do. But a few seconds later, Asma would change the channel to the Bears game or just give me the remote. I would turn to her smiling. She would have the biggest smile on her face as well.

I know this story many not seem much, but its little stuff like this that I keep thinking about. This is what I mean that even a football game reminds me of her. Like today.

Anyways, this is the second Ramadan without Asma. Many things reminded me of Asma.

Last night while praying, I remembered how Asma used to pray with us. Even when her leg was amputated, she would crawl from the family room over to the living room and pray with us without saying a word.

This morning when I woke up around 5 AM for Suhoor to eat, Asma was on my mind. I remember how when Asma was with us, she would enjoy eating with us...even during Suhoor early in the morning.

I think there were a total of 2-3 Ramadans that came after Asma became ill.

When Asma became ill, her tumor in her leg made her immobile. She was disabled. She couldnt walk. She was bed-ridden ever since she became ill until she passed away.

Anyways, everyone would be downstairs. I would be one of the last ones to get up to eat. As I would wash up and come out of the bathroom to go downstairs, I would hear Asma whispering, "Omar..."

I would go wherever she would be and ask, "What?"

Asma would say, "Take me downstairs" or "Take me." (It was understood that whenever she would say "Take me," it meant to take her wherever she wanted to go.)

I would then pick her up in my arms and slowly walk to the stairs and go down. She would be smiling and looking at me. I would smile back.

Asma would always, "Shhhh!"

I would just smile back and say, "Lets surprise them!"

Asma would then smile back.

As I would go downstairs, ev.eryone would be sitting on the floor eating (we eat while sitting on the floor) expecting me to come downstairs alone. A part of them would be hoping that Asma is with me because quite frankly, Asma would always brighten the room up. Even when everyone would be all grumpy in the morning lol, Asma would make everyone smile.

So as Im going downstairs and everyone sees that Asma is with me, Asma would smile and the room would burst into cheers and screams as if Asma was some celeberity (well, to us she WAS a celeberity lol...Princess Asma).

While whistling and waving hands in the hair, everyone would start screaming and yelling "OHHHHHHHH YAYYYYYY WOOOOOHOOOOO YEAH BABY!!!!!......EVERYONE GET OUT OF HER WAY AND MAKE SOME ROOM FOR HER. WOOOOOHOOOO."

Then we would make room for her and give her the VIP treatment. I would take her to the bed that we had downstairs for her and make her get comfortable. She would sometimes come down to eat with us or just simply watch us eat. She enjoyed doing that with us. She loved to hear us talk.

Thats how two of the three Ramadans went after she became ill. The last Ramadan (before she passed away), was spent in Mexico.

The time in Mexico was very depressing and sad. Read more about the Ramadan in Mexico with Asma in the following link: More About Asma and Ramadan.

I've type a lot about Asma during Ramadan after her illness, but not before.

As with other stories about her, the story about her in Ramadan taught me many lessons and strengthened me.

Subhana'Allah, very emotional and uplifting for me.

I remember when Asma was young, she always wanted to be a good Muslim and always wanted to do everything and more. This was true especially when it came to Islam.

When she was seven years old, shortly before Ramadan started, she had told us that she was going to fast. At first we thought she was just saying that; maybe to get a reaction out of us.

We didnt take her seriously. lol She insisted and we finally said she can fast for half a day. She said, "No."

She wanted to fast for the whole day just like everyone else. Well, Ramadan came.

Knowing Asma and how determined she was and how she was known to keep her word, we refused to wake Asma up for Suhoor in the morning to eat because we figured that if she hadnt eaten, she would just go about her day without fasting and forget about what she had said about fasting.

Well, Suhoor was over and it was sunrise. She wakes up morning time. She goes about her life as she usually did. We didnt think much of it either.

Come noon time, my mom asked Asma what she wanted to eat. lol Asma told us she was fasting. She didnt eat anything nor was she going to eat until Iftar when it would be time to break her fast lol

Subhana'Allah, we were all in awe. We thought she was kidding. So we insisted that she should eat. She refused.

Okay, so now we knew she was serious. Low and behold, she kept her word and did as she claimed...she fasted for the whole day.

She didnt stop there. She went on to fast for the next 27 consecutive days! She would wake up to eat with us. She would break her fast with us. She would help my mom out with preparing food for the family and relatives.

My mom finally stopped her from fasting on the 28th day because she didnt want Asma to get sick and weak.

ALLAHU AKBAR! Wallahi, I kid you not, Asma was a living example for us to look to as source of our strength. She was our inspiration. When we, atleast I, felt tired and sick, I would think of Asma and how brave and courageous she was.

Friends and relatives couldnt believe what Asma did. All of a sudden Asma had gifts and money coming to her from people. She wasnt even expecting it. She wondered why she was getting all these things for just fasting.

I was very proud of her. Im still proud of her. Im proud to call her my sister. Im very much honored to have spent time with her and being with her. I loved her with all my heart and always will no matter.

I want to see her again in Paradise after I die.

I miss her so much. I miss her a lot. People say time heals...but does it really?

All I can think of now is...if I feel like this, how do my parents feel?

I'm sure my mom is missing Asma more than anything right now. I remember Asma would help make my mom make pastries and samosas and beef patties and all the other good stuff. Even when Asma was sick, she loved to help my mom out. She would sit on her wheelchair and make food on the table.

Subhana'Allah.

My parents are the true warriors. Masha'Allah.

:'( Brings tears to your eyes. Like now...

May Allah grant Asma to the highest level in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite my family and I with Asma in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reward Asma for everything she has gone through. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for everything they have gone through and are going through now. Ameen
May Allah give my parents shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah give us all shiff and sabr. Ameen
May Allah accept our worship to Him in this month of Ramadan. Ameen
May Allah protect us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

An Interesting Note

2006-08-18T16:44:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

The other day my mom mentioned something and it got me thinking. She brought up how Asma was born on Friday at 10:20 AM and passed away on Friday at 10:20 AM.

Seriously, thats really interesting, yet strange.

How often do you see that happening?

Now please, for the record, dont think Im saying there is some meaning or importance by this. Im just sharing this because I thought it was interesting. That is all.

Little did we know that when she was born, she would be with us for 12 years. Little did we know that when she was born, she would face trials and tribulations starting at such a young age. Little did we know those trials would only consume her and would never allow Asma to escape or overcome them.

But Alhamdulillah, whatever happened, happened due to the Will of Allah. Whatever happened, happened for a reason.

Like I have said before, its a blessing in disguise. Im not saying that I dont care or I have lost all the emotions, but that it was for the best and for the reasons we may never understand as it may very well be beyond our scope of thinking.

By the way, a couple people have emailed me or dropped me a comment on here (one which I didnt let it post on here) in regards to publishing a book and am seriously thinking about it. Im looking into it.

To the people who have contacted me about it, please give me your email address or simply email me at haq_omar@hotmail.com.

Jazak'Allah for your help.

By the way, make sure you subscribe to this blog by entering your email address in the given field on the right, Insha'Allah.

May Allah reward you all and protect us all from. Ameen
May Allah forgive our sins and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah take our souls from this world as Believers and protect us from the trials of the grave and Akhirah. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

I Will Never Ever Forget

2006-08-05T21:11:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Wow its been a while since I've last posted here.

I guess one of the reasons is that for this blog, I like to type it when Im absolutely free of worries (well I guess that will never happen) and have time to myself.

Thats why sometimes I dont update it as much. However I should. People have been telling me that they have learned a lot from Asma through my blog. They also have told me that they have noticed a boost in their faith and have become better Muslims, better people. So Insha'Allah, my goal is to post here more often. I have also added the subscription feature so you guys can be notified whenever it is updated. If it doesnt work, let me know Insha'Allah.

My best friend the other night gave me an idea and Im seriously looking into it. I was suggested that I should write a book about Asma and her experiences from my point of view. Basically, take this blog and convert it into a book and plus add more. Im definately interested and thinking about doing that with the help of my best friend.

If anyone have any suggestions, please let me know, Insha'Allah.

Not a day goes by without her on my mind. I think of her every day, every night. I talk about her with my parents, friends and strangers.

Asma had this huge impact on me. She has left this place in my heart that can never be replaced. Never. Even when I have kids, it wont replace Asma.

In fact, one of the reasons why I made this blog was so that when I have kids Insha'Allah, they can read about her and learn what kind of person she was. They can read and learn how she influenced me from eating to taking care of my health to praying.

Subhana'Allah she was a person whom I will never ever forget.

I would love to have a daughter like Asma. In fact, I will name my daughter Asma if I Allah blesses me with a daughter. Asma was a girl who never wished harm upon anyone. She was a person who never spoke ill of anyone. She was a girl who always wanted the best for everyone. She was a girl who tried to mend relationships especially between family members.

During my summer vacation, I have been doing a lot of cleaning around the house. My basement was pretty dirty in a sense that it was packed with belongings that accumulated over the years especially when Asma was ill.

Everything we would get from the hospital, we would put it in the basement. All the presents Asma would get from people, we would put it in the basement. In fact, there is so much stuff, that the basement became full and as a result we put much of the stuff in the garage and cabinets in the family room. Even now, we barely have any room for more.

Anyways, as Im going through stuff hidden under old boxes and some random junk, I see Asma's belongings such as her scarves, clothes, games, paintings, school work, wheelchair, portable toilet, crutches, walker and her medicine which is still in the fridge. No one wants to get rid of her stuff.

I still have her breathing tube that she had under her nose during her last days.

As Im working and cleaning the place up, I come across her things and just stop. I stop. I cant go on without thinking about it.

I try to shake it off and try not to think about it much and continue to do my work, but I fail to do that.

I stop and just look at her stuff and try to think of her smile, her giggle, her sweet scent, her beautiful, soft hands. I try to think of the times we had together. I get sad. My heart beats faster. I sometimes cant believe shes really gone.

When there are times when people think Im nuts or dont care to listen, I wish Asma was here to listen to me and talk to me.

She would never ever wish harm upon me or call me names. She would smile and laugh to cheer me up. She would be serious and listen carefully to what I have to say and advise me accordingly.

God I loved her. I still do. Nothing has changed. She was the Princess of the house. She was the little baby. lol She liked to be treated as one too...the special little baby.

She soon gave up on everyone when she realized nobody but her immediate family would ever be there for her. It was true. She hoped for people to come see her and talk to her. But as days went by and the time for her to go came nearer, it was pretty obvious. So then she just realized that her family loves her so much and will be there for her.

I remember one of the last things she ate was cheese ravioli. She actually made me go to the store and get some. I brought it home and cooked it for her. She loved it. She told me it was good. But because her body was shutting off, she didnt eat much. She used to tell me I make the best sandiwches. LOL

I will once in a while go in her room and go through her clothes. They are still hanging in the closet. I her prosthetic leg is still in the closet. I have her stuff animals and her blanket. I sometimes I keep her blanket with me. Its my sock drawer actually and whenever I miss her, I stuff her blanket in my face and try to smell her scent.

Its harder and harder when I look at her stuff. I miss her more and more.

I go through pictures, but cant really see them after a few seconds. I feel so sick. I feel like crying. I feel like my heart would shut off or something.

She was a cute baby. I remember taking care of her when she was a baby. lol I remember feeding her milk or putting her to sleep in my arms. Insha'Allah these will be my next entries. I think this a bit too long.

Im also going to write about the trip to Georgia Insha'Allah soon.

Please keep my family in your dua'as Insha'Allah especially my mother.

May Allah forgive us all and guide us to the straight path. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest level in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah prepare us for death. Ameen
May Allah take us as believers from this world. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Today's Reminders: Asma and Death

2006-06-30T23:47:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

So today as I was walking on the masjid's parking lot to go inside for the Salat-ul-Jummah, I saw a hearse (those cars owned by the funeral home to carry the deceased to the cemetery) parked backwards. I looked on the side of it and it said, Brust Funeral Home.

All of a sudden, it reminded me of Asma because thats where we gave Asma ghusl. They are also the ones who transported her from the masjid to the cemetery.

Anyways, after the Jummah, everyone came outside for Salat-ul-Janazah. Alhamdulillah almost everyone who was there for Jummah stayed for Salat-ul-Janazah as well.

Afterwards they took the deceased to the cemetery. Turns out, they were all going to bury him at the cemetery where Asma is. In fact, it was about two graves away from Asma's.

Subhana'Allah, the time from Salat-ul-Janazah till the time we buried him, it brought back all the memories of February 12th, 2005.

Everything from giving Asma a ghusl to Salat-ul-Janazah to the funeral procession to her burial, it all came back to me. :'(

In the end, it just reminded me of death is around the corner. More and more I have been thinking about death and how it can come any second. It can come right now as Im typing this. So scary when you think about it because Im not ready to die.

When he was getting buried, I was just standing there thinking that what if its me why was being buried. The deceased isnt coming back. If I die now, its over and I will be dealt with according to my deeds. Scary...

I started to think about how Asma would be right now and how peaceful she would be right now. I started to think how I wish I can be like that when I die. I want to free of any fitnah of the grave and just be in peace.

Then I realized that it wont just come to me. I have to work for it. If I really want to be from the fitnah of the grave and if I want to be reunited with Asma, then I really have to be a better Muslim and try to do what we are commaned to do by Allah Subhanawata'ala and our beloved Nabi Sallallahu Alayhi Wasalam.

If I really want to avoid Allah's wrath, I must prepare for it. I cant just hope without doing anything about it.

Today was another reminder for me. It not only reminded me of Asma and the day she was buried, but I was also reminded of how near death is and how ready I am. Subhana'Allah...

May Allah forgive the sins of the deceased that was buried today and save him from the fitnah of the grave and akhirah. Ameen
May Allah give the deceased's wife, kids and rest of the family, sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah forgive us all, guide us and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and take us as believers. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

For the Sake of Allah vs. Sake of Dunya.

2006-06-25T20:43:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualiakum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Subhana'Allah, I'm going to start updating this more often, Insha'Allah. I love this blog and it increases my Imaan whenever I go through my old posts on here. I like this more than my other blog.

Anyways, I was talking to someone last night and earlier today and it got me thinking about life and short our stay is here. I started to think about how much we do to prepare for the akhirah. Lets not even think about our akhirah right now...death is right around the corner. Death is near. We arent too far from our graves. Imagine what is going to happen to us in our graves. Are we ready?

When my sister was born, who would have thought that she would be with us for only 12 years? No one thought she would die so young. She was a healthy, normal kid when growing up until 8.5 years of age.

One of the things that I really admired about her (still do) was that she was never into materialistic things. I noticed some kids her age were all about money. They were into which brands of clothes and shoes were in style. They wanted to do anything and everything (dunya wise) to keep up with their peers. Trust me, I have witnessed this myself. Im not making this up.

Asma was the opposite. Of course, she wanted to look pretty and wear nice clothes. She liked to do her hair and wear nice necklaces. However, there is a difference between looking nice and spending tons of money to buy clothes every so often just to keep with fellow classmates.

Asma didnt care to spend money on such things. What she cared about was so pleasing Allah Subhanawataa'la. She used to tell me not do certain things as I may anger Allah. She used to tell me to fear Allah if I did something wrong or was about to. Subhana'Allah.

She was afraid of dying. She was afraid because she didnt know if she would go to Heaven or Hell. She even asked me if she will go to Hell for missing prayers. Allahu Akbar!

She cared about making people happy. Whenever guests would come over, she would play with their kids. Asma had a candy box which she made out of a shoe box. On it, she wrote "Asma's Candy Box." I still have it to this day. Insha'Allah I am going to take pics of her belongings and post them up.

All the kids would gather around her and stick their hands out for some candy. Asma would glady pass out pieces of candy to the kids. She would have the biggest smile on her face.

When Asma was sick, we had a guy come to our house to help Asma after the doctors had given up on her. He would spend hours and hours day after day trying to help her. Sometimes it would be frustrating. Sometimes we were full of joy when we made some progress.

One day it was late at night. It was probably 9 PM by the time we got done. He came to our house around 9 AM. No one had eaten anything as we were all busy with Asma. Asma was very weak and tired. Of course, she was sick and in pain as her tumor on her leg was painful. Out of nowhere, Asma told my mom to get some food ready for him because he didnt have anything to eat all day. She added that my mom should pack some food for him so he could take it home for his wife and child. Subhana'Allah we were all struck in awe. The guy had tears in his eyes and was surprised.

Thats how Asma was. Instead of caring about materialistic things, she cared about what really mattered. Most of all, she did things for the sake of Allah.

Subhana'Allah when I saw kids her age doing things for the dunya and then saw Asma do things which truly mattered, it put a smile on my face. Not only that, it taught me a few lessons; lessons that I still think about 'til this day.

Moral of this post: Forget about doing things for this short dunya we are in. Whatever you do, do it for the sake of Allah. Who cares if people have more money, better clothes, nice shoes, new cars or jewelry? Seriously, who cares?

Are you, I, WE prepared to die? Asma was a living example in my life. I saw her live and die right in front of my eyes. Literally.

We spend so much time back biting and slandering people. Honestly, ask yourself, can you afford to do that? Do you even have time to do that? Look at how much we have to learn. Memorize. Look at how much we have to implement in our lives.

Subhana'Allah. Scary. Very scary. This dunya seems so long, but its nothing compared to the akhirah where you will either be in Hell of Heaven.

Im so grateful that I have spent time with Asma who taught me many lessons.

May Allah reward Asma and elevate her status in Jannah to the highest level. Ameen
May Allah forgive us of our sins and guide us all to the straight path. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah open up our hearts and clear them of evil. Ameen
May Allah keep us from going astray. Ameen
May Allah protect us all. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Links of Muslims in Need

2006-06-12T16:57:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Ever since Asma became ill, I have become more aware of other diseases and people who are ill. Everytime I would find out about certain situations, I want to do everything I can for them for the sake of Allah and because I cant see them in pain.

However, I cant always help people for whatever reasons. Therefore, I'd like to start posting links on the side of this blog of sites that are about helping Muslims. You never know who may end up helping fisabilillah.

I have seen a couple, one of them on this site. Insha'Allah I will get to it as soon as I can. So far I have two links.

If people can start posting them in the 'Comments' section or email them to me at haq_omar@hotmail.com.

I'd like to help the Muslims out there regardless where they are located.

May Allah reward you all and forgive us of our sins. Ameen
May Allah guide us to the straight path. Ameen
May Allah grant shiffa and sabr to all the sick. Ameen
May Allah grant Jannah to all the deceased and save them from the fitnah of the grave and akhirah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Asma and My Cousins

2006-06-08T02:42:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

So its about 2:40 AM and I got back from my khala's (mom's sister) house about half hour ago. I actually went to pick two of my cousins (one is in 1st grade and the other is in 4th grade) and brought them over to my house to sleep.

My khala is going to the hospital because she is going to have a baby, Insha'Allah.

May Allah bless my khala with a healthy, pious child who will be help lead the Ummah. Ameen

Their youngest child, the three year old, is with them. Shes so fun to be around. She will play around with. She loves me. lol She will jump on me and try to make me chase her.

Anyways, when I was about to leave, I was outside talking to my aunt's husband. The three year old came out too. I picked her up and held her as I talked to her and joked around. She was laughing.

Wallah it reminded me of Asma and the times I would hold her and play. I remember when Asma was wearing diapers, I'd hold and her walk around with her trying to put her to sleep. Subhana'Allah I wish those days would come back. I remember sometimes I would stand up and hold her trying to get her to burp. lol It was funny.

The first grader resembles Asma a lot. Seriously, she resembles Asma quite of bit. So whenever I look at her, I think of Asma.

I sometimes take the picture of Asma that I have in my wallet and show it to them. They would yell out, "ASMA BAJI" and get all excited.

Asma loved her cousins. She loved babies. lol All the little kids looked up to Asma. Subhana'Allah, Asma was someone whom everyone loved automatically.

Anyways, Im going to as Im really tired and miss Asma a lot.

Take care.

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah forgive us of our sins, guide us and keep us on it. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabaraktuh

"What if I die now? Am I ready?"

2006-05-31T16:10:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I havent updated this for a long time because I have been busy with things at home and school.

However, I will update this more often.

Im sitting to Quran by Saleh At-Talib (hes the young #3 guy who recites at the Haram). Masha'Allah, beautiful voice and recitation.

Anyways, listening to his recitation reminds of the time in Saudi and when I did Hajj. One of the things I remember is that how I kept thinking of Asma whenever I would make dua'a or do tawaaf around the Ka'ba. Subhana'Allah wherever I would go or whatever I would do, Asma wouldnt leave my mind.

Anyways, lately I have been doing a lot of "soul searching" and realizing where I am and where I stand. Talking with my best friend to attending Aqeeda classes to listening to Quran, they all made me ponder about how life is so temporary.

That scares me. We are here for a little bit. We have (either Heaven or Hell) ahead of us. What if I end up in Hell?

I see that Im always thinking of Asma and how much I miss her. I wish and pray that I can be united with her once again in Jannah.

However, truth is, Asma is gone and shes preserved now. Insha'Allah she is/was sinless since she left this dunya while pure and innocent. She was a little girl.

However, unlike her, I am older and have made many mistakes and committed many sins. If I die, am I ready to face my Rabb? Am I ready to face the questioning in the grave? Wallah it scares me.

Asma always used to tell me let go of bad habits and become a better person. She would advise me. Subhana'Allah, she kept me from doing bad things.

Asma's death has taught me a lot. Many times I find myself slipping away and going astray again. However, constant reminders bring me back to track. I feel like I have wasted so much time. I cant waste any more time.

I dont know if I am making any sense. I dont know if any of this makes sense to you guys.

All Im trying to say is that we need check ourselves and see where we stand. I first and foremost say to myself that I need to change for the better.

Lets stop to think for a minute and ask ourselves if we are ready to die. If not, what are we doing about it?

I get emails often from people who read this blog and tell me how they either went through similar experiences as me or how this blog has reminded them of death and how they are going to change.

I just got an email from a sister who read my blog with her friend and I guess it "hit" them especially because of personal, similar experience as mine.

Subhana'Allah, that in itself is one of the reasons why I created this blog. I wanted to remind people of death and how short our life is. Of course, I remind myself before anyone else.

What if I die now? Am I ready?

May Allah forgive me and guide me to the straight path. Ameen
May Allah forgive us all and guide us to the straight path. Ameen
May Allah open up our hearts and lead us to the truth. Ameen
May Allah take us as Believers. Ameen
May Allah protect us from evil and harm. Ameen
May Allah give shiffa to the ones who are ill and give them sabr. Ameen
May Allah grant a spacious grave to the deceased and the prevent them from the fitnah of the grave and akhirah. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Trip to Minnesota

2006-04-25T12:02:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Shortly after the doctors told us there is nothing more they can do for Asma when her cancer came back (relapse), we were looking for other alternatives.

Actually, we tried to look for alternatives when Asma became ill, but the doctor (he was Muslim by the way) threatened to take Asma away from us by getting the DCFS (Department of Children and Famil Services) involved in this.

So that idea was shot down immediately. We couldnt do anything else but just listen to the doctors. In a way, we were forced to do whatever they wanted us to do.

May Allah punish them. Ameen

Anyways, once they gave up, they told us we were free to do whatever we wish. It was pretty pointless then because they had already destroyed her body. Anyways, we found a doctor in Minnesota at the children's hospital who dealt with both alternative medicine as well as conventional medicine.

We left in the evening. We were going to be gone for about two days. I came home from school and packed everything up in our Toyota Previa.

It was my parents, Asma, (I think Aysha too), and myself. It was around 5:00 PM by the time we left.

We left and were on our way to Minnesota. I drove the whole way. As I stopped for gas on the way in Green Bay, Wisconson, I asked the attendant if he knows anything about the weather as I head up North to Minnesota.

He claimed that there was a snow blizzard on its way. I braced up myself for it knowing that our van was a rear-wheel drive and it sucks in the snow. Anyone who knows anything about cars will know that cars that are rear wheel drives simply have horrible traction/control in anything other than dry weather.

Anyways I filled up gas and we were on our way once again. Sure enough, the snow was coming like crazy.

The traffic was disappearing. It was only few other cars and those big, scary semi trucks/tractor trailors.

The snow was coming so fast, it was accumulating quickly. They couldnt plow the roads because it was coming so fast.

I reduced my speed from 65-75 MPH to 30-40 MPH. There were times when the van would lose traction, but I would quickly gain control again by easing of the gas pedal.

Anyways, about 10-15 minutes later, as I was driving on the left lane of the two-lane highway and listening to Quran (actually the same Surah and recitation as the on this blog), the van lost control. I didnt even do anything. Its not like accelerated or braked. I didnt turn the steering wheel either. For some reason, the van just started to turn sideways.

The van's rear was turning sideways towards the right. Now imagine your car starting to spin while going 30-40 MPH (thats about 64 KPH for the UKers). I must say it was scary. Everything happened in a split second.

Since I was on the left lane of the two-lane highway, at one point in time the rear of the van was on the right lane as it was turning sideways towards the right.

The more it was turning, the closer I was getting to the ditch on the left side of the road. I really thought my van was going to flip and roll over into the ditch. I thought. My only thought was if my family was okay. I didnt think what was going to happen to me. I kept thinking how to keep my family safe. I was even more worried about my sister's leg since it had the massive tumor. I didnt want her to hurt or be in pain.

As I was inches away from the ditch, the van all of a sudden stopped. Wallah I dont know it stopped when it was turning at such a fast rate. I was surprised and so was everyone else. It literally felt like I hit a wall because of the way it stopped of all a sudden.

Alhamdulillah, there werent any cars or trucks on the road at the time. Otherwise we would have been crushed.

At this point, my van was facing the opposite direction facing the oncoming traffic.

I made sure everyone was okay. I then tried to get out of there, but the van was stuck in the snow. I got out of the van and went around it only to find the rear wheels were buried in the snow. I tried to scoop the snow out with my hands as fast as I could in fear of getting hit by oncoming traffic.

My dad told me to come back in the van. Subhana'Allah, out of nowhere this tow/plow truck made a U-turn from the other side of the highway and pulled over right by us. He hooked our van up to a cable and tugged us out of the snow in a matter of seconds.

I started to see traffic come our way. It wasnt just the cars, but also the semi trucks.

As the guy pulled us out, he quickly unhooked my van and told me to go as the traffic was coming at full speed. Since I was facing the opposite direction, I turned around on the highway. Since my tires were covered in snow, I didnt have traction.

The rear end of my van was swirving side to side as I tried to accelerate trying to avoid getting hit by the traffic.

Alhamdulillah, I gained traction and control and was able to speed up and avoid getting hit.

It was such a close call with death. Subhana'Allah. We were so relieved and thankful/grateful to Allah for saving us. We saw a number of cars and trucks flipped over or wedged between trees on the side of the roads because of the snow. We saw some upside down in the ditch. There were people waiting for help.

But us, we were pulled out and on our way again in a matter of few minutes. Alhamdulillah.

We eventually got to Minnesota. What usually takes about 5-6 hours, took us about 12 hours because of the weather. But Alhamdulillah, we made it safely.

It was early morning and we just went up to our friend's place. We ate and went to sleep.

We got up early in the morning to go to the doctor's office with Asma. We ate breakfast and were on our way.

We got there and spoke to the doctor. She loved Asma. Everybody fell in love with Asma for some reason. lol

After the appointment, we left in disappointment. She basically said there was no hope for Asma. We felt helpless. We felt useless. We felt like we were let down and the world was coming down on us.

Asma was quiet. She was down. She didnt say much.

My parents on the way back were quietly shedding tears as they were trying to think of a new plan.

Subhana'Allah the love of the parents is something I cant put in words. My parents never gave up on Asma regardless of what people told us. They were ready to spend each and every penny for Asma. Allahu Akbar. Brings tears to my eyes when I think about this.

It took us about 5-7 hours to go back home. We stopped on the way to eat and refuel. It was depressing. It was scary.

We came back home with sense of uncertainty and many unknowns.

Despite all that, we were relentless in our pursuit to save Asma. We had complete faith in Allah Subhanawa'alaa.

We always told ourselves thats its up to Him if Asma lives or not. We just have to do our part.

I think thats the attitude everyone should have in their lives. We should have tawakkul and understand that whatever happens, happened because its the Qadr of Allah.

We cannot question or regret it.

May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again.
May Allah open up our hearts and guide us to the straight path. Ameen
May Allah forgive us of our sins. Ameen
May Allah allow us to put complete faith in Him. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for their care, love and support for Asma they had given. Ameen
May Allah forgive my parents of their sins and keep them on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah give shiffa and sabr to all the sick. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Asma and My Little Cousins

2006-04-11T22:19:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Today my khala (mom's sister) came over with her husband and her three daughter aged 3, 8, and 10 (I think that is their ages lol).

Anyways, they are so much fun to be around and play with. They really remind me of Asma. Asma loved to play with them. Whenever my khala would ask them what they wanted to do, they would immediately say, "Lets go to Aysha and Asma baaji's house." (Saying baaji is a way of showing respect to an older female, usually a sister).

Whenever they would come over my house when Asma was alive (wow it feels wierd saying that), they would walk up to Asma. Asma would then pull out her candy box and proceed to give each and every one of the kids a piece of candy.

Asma loved to give things to people. She liked to give more than she liked to get things. She loved to make people happy and see them smile. Subhana'Allah.

Asma had a huge stash of candy and gum. lol Whenever I wanted a piece of gum, I would go and ask Asma to see if she had any.

She wouldnt let anyone go in her candy box, except me. For some reason she had given me permission to go in her candy box and take candy out whenever I wanted to. lol I still asked though, just to make her happy.

Anyways, the youngest one of the three daughters of my khala loves me. She calls me, 'Omo' since she cant say 'Omar." lol

So whenever she sees me, she would yell out 'Omo' and start laughing. She would play with me the whole time. She would jump on me, try to knock me down, pull my beard, or ask to sit on my shoulders while I walk around. Sometimes she would ask for a piggy back ride.

The other two cousins of mine, would act all silly with me. The middle would sometimes jump on me as well.

All the stuff they do, reminds me of Asma. In fact, the whole time Im playing with them, Asma would be in my mind.

Today the 10 year old was hungry. She wanted some food. I took her to the kitchen and asked what she wanted and gave her food.

That totally reminded me of Asma. Asma always asked me for food. Even if everyone was around and I was upstairs in my room, she would call me downstairs and tell me to give her food. She loved to eat.

As I recall correctly, one of Asma's last meal was cheese Ravioli that I had made for her. It was probably a few days before she passed away that she asked me for some. I went to the store and brought it home. I cooked it and gave it to her.

She loved it. However, because her system was shutting down and because she was weak, she didnt eat much.

One thing that Asma loved were my sandwiches. lol She told everyone that I make the best sandwiches. She even preferred me to make them over my mom or dad.

If she was hungry and I was eating by her, she would get hungry too. lol

Asma: "Omar, make me a sandwich."
Me: "Okay, what kind?"
Asma: "Whatever you are eating."
Me: hehe "Okay, what do you want in it?"
Asma: "Whatever you have in it."
Me: "Okay, do you want tomatoes?"
Asma: "Are you eating tomatoes?"
Me: "Yes."
Asma: "Then I want some too."
Me: "Okay. Do you want ketchup?"
Asma: "Are you eating it?"
Me: "Yes."
Asma: "Then I want some. I told you I want whatever you are eating."
Me: "Ohhhh, I get it...You want to be just like me. Aww, how cute!"
Asma: "Yeah right Omar. You're wierd."

Then she would just start laughing. lol We used to joke so much with each other. Sometimes people didnt understand our jokes, except for us two.

I just thought Id share this. My cousins left a while ago. Ive been thinking Asma even more now.

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Loss of Hair

2006-04-08T17:41:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I was thinking today while sitting and talking to my parents and for some reason I started to think of Asma and her chemotherapy days at the hospital.

One of the things I still remember when Asma was about 9 years old and started chemo and was losing hair.

I would visit her at the hospital everyday with my siblings. My father would go straight there from work. My mother stayed with Asma 24/7.

Anyways, I would drop everyone off at the entrance and parked the car across the street. So by the time I got to her room, everyone was already there.

So I walked into her room and Asma got happy. She was in her bed watching T.V. As soon as Asma saw me, the convo went something like this:

Asma: "Omar guess what? Want to see something?"
Me: "Yeah, what?"

At this point, Asma pulls on her hair. My jaw dropped as she was doing that. Her hair was literally coming off like cotton candy.

Me: "Asma! What are you doing? Stop it."

Asma just started to giggle and kept doing it.

Later on the nurses gave Asma a wig to wear since she was bald. Asma refused to wear it. The nurses didnt know why Asma refused. We didnt know either. lol

Asma later on said that she doesnt want to wear it because its haraam to wear wigs. Allahu Akbar!

I was amazed. Subhana'Allah.

Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah has cursed the woman who adds false hair and the woman who has this done, and the woman who tattoos and the women who has this done.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5477)

After a while, we asked Asma if she wanted to wear a bandana or a hat to cover her head since she was bald.

It went something like this:

Me: "Why dont you want to cover your head?"
Asma: "Because I dont care what people think of me."

I was speechless. I was like Subhana'Allah a little girl like her doesnt give a damn what the world thinks, yet here I am all paranoid and worried.

When I started to grow my beard, I would think of Asma and how she didnt care what people thought of her. That helped me quite of bit when I was at the stage of growing my beard.

Subhana'Allah, Asma always helped me out in ways that I didnt even realize until now.

May Allah elevate her status in Jannah to the highest level. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for their care and endless efforts for taking care of Asma and the rest of the family 24/7. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma. Ameen
May Allah take away the fear of the kuffar from us. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

My Random Thoughts

2006-03-30T19:33:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

So today I got a phone call from Brian whom we met while we were in Mexico for Asma's treatment.

Subhana'Allah it brought back so many memories. I felt like crying while on the phone. Plus my mom was there so I just held it in.

Wallah all the memories were coming back to me. Everything from morning time till night time, everything was in my mind again.

I miss her pretty smile on her glowing face, sweet giggles, funny laughs, witty comments and her the warmth she used to give out.

People became very close to Asma. They used to look at Asma for courage and strength. Im not even exaggerating. They would turn to Asma and tell her how much she has helped them during trying times.

They would tell Asma that they were ashamed of themselves because they had given up where Asma who was 12 years old, had given all that she had.

Even on the phone Brian remembered that Asma put up a good fight against cancer. They knew about Asma and how she had patience, courage and how she resilient she was. Subhana'Allah.

They loved her so much that Brian and Sherry got Asma presents out of nowhere. Also, Brian's mother in law (Sherry's mother) made a blanket, gloves, winter cap and muffler for Asma. Asma used them even during her last days.

Asma was one who had captured many hearts all around the world. Even if they met only once, people would call back and write to her asking about her.

I cant even look at her pictures let alone watch her videos. It makes me cry if I stumble upon her pictures. Her movies are somewhere collecting dust. I have no intention of watching them either. Maybe I will never watch them. I will just give them to my wife and kids Insha'Allah to watch one day so they know who she was. I dont know.

I've been having flashbacks of Asma more than ever. I dont know why. Sometimes those flashbacks are more like nightmares. I wake up worried and sometimes crying. There are times I cry in my sleep.

I dont want to mention those nightmares/flashbacks. When Im actually having them, its like its happening all over again. So scary.

Man whenever I think about the stuff she has gone through, I still cant even imagine how she did it. I mean how? How is it even possible for a little girl like her to go through what she went through.

No one can even imagine. Even if I tried to describe the images, no one still will ever be able to picture it and realize what she went through.

Hell, even I cant and I was there to witness the pain and suffering that she endured.

Maybe one day I will describe her experiences, but right now, I dont think I can.

Im going to post up pictures of her room, toys, clothes, and even her medicine cabinet that is still there, Insha'Allah. Everything is still there. Most of the stuff is untouched. Even her shoe is still there ever since she last wore it. Its been almost 14 months and no one even tried to move it. I dont think they will either.

God I miss her...

Hmm well Im going to end this here.

May Allah elevate her status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with her once again. Ameen
May Allah forgive us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen
May Allah give my parents shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah give my family shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah reward all the parents who have lost child(ren) and grant them Jannah. Ameen
Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Reminder: Death

2006-03-21T17:05:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

So today after my dad and I got some groceries, we went to visit Asma.

Subhana'Allah everytime I go there, it brings back memories of the day when we buried her. Everything from her ghusl to her Janazah to the procession to the moment she was getting buried.

It was so sad and heartbreaking. Even now I cant really believe it that she is gone. World feels so empty. Wierd. Tasteless. Lost interest in the dunya (I guess thats a good thing).

There is a new grave by Asma's grave. Its the third grave in the Muslim section. Asma was the second one there.

My dad and I both got out and stood by her grave. We quietly made dua'a and left after a few minutes.

Its such a sad thing. Its sad when you think about her and start missing her. Its sad when you think of the memories and her laughter and her sweet voice.

Its also scary. Its scary when you think about you we too will end up in that place. It can be in 10 years, 10 months, 10 weeks, 10 days, 10 hours, or 10 seconds...you never know. However each day, you are one day closer. Subhana'Allah.

Visiting her grave is a constant reminder. It hits harder not only because she was my baby sister, but also because I saw her pass away literally right in front of my eyes.

Death is near. Are we ready for it?

Asma was an amazing little girl. Subhana'Allah we were blessed to have her in our lives even if it was for a short time.

I learned a lot from her. I still learn from her whenever I think of/about her.

Whenever I go to her grave, I think about what she would be doing. I think if she would know Im there and if she can hear her. I think what would her reaction be when I visit her.

Shes preserved now. She has left this world while still a little kid.

Im 24 and counting...

Im not a sinless person. If I die now, what will happen to me?

Scary. Very scary to think about it...

I hope I die a Muslim...

May Allah elevate Asma's level in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma in the Akirah. Ameen
May Allah forgive us all and guide us all. Ameen
May Allah take us from this life while we are Muslims. Ameen
May Allah grant a spacious grave and save the people who passed away, from the fitnah of the grave and Akirah. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and family sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah reunite all the Muslims together in the Akirah. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

I love you...

2006-03-19T00:24:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

There are a few things Id give up my life for...one of them was definately for Asma. There were times where people didnt treat her right or that she felt threatened.

There were times where Asma burst into tears or put her head down in grief.

Watching my sister shed tears or as she put her head down in sorrow broke my heart. It tore me apart into pieces. I would just wish I could trade places with her and give her happiness and take her broken heart away.

Asma always kept it inside and tried not to show it to anyone. She didnt want to put anyone through pain that she was going through. She felt like it was her problem and that no one else deserves to be put through her problems.

However, of course we, as a family, wouldnt let that happen. We would always be there for her and support her.

I personally would tell her I love her and would always be there for her. I always told her to tell me if ANYONE or ANYTHING is bothering her.

I always told her that I would knock anyone out that messes with her and makes her cry. She would start laughing, but took me seriously.

She knew I'd do anything for her no matter what happened. She knew I would put myself before her even if it meant getting hurt mentally and/or physically.

With all the pain she went through up until the last day of her life, one thing she always knew was that she had full family support from her parents and siblings. She knew she could count on us. She knew we loved her. She knew we cared for her.

I took pride in taking care of her and watching out for her. She truly was a pleasure to have in my life.

The fact that Asma knew she had full support and care and love from us, made her confident and enjoyed whatever time she had with us.

The reason why Im posting this is because I want everyone to think about their loved ones and to realize that our time in this life is short. We dont know when we may go. We dont know when our time may be up.

Try to spend as much time as possible with your loved ones before its too late. You will only have memories left when that person is gone. You cannot bring back time. You will only regret not spending time with that special person.

You will always cherish memories. I know, and so do all those people who have lost their loved ones.

For one more time, I wish I can tell us Asma, "I love you..."

:'(

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and family shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah open up our hearts and guide us all. Ameen
May Allah allow us to spend as much time possible with our loved ones. Ameen
May Allah forgive us all. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

A.S.M.A

2006-03-11T10:13:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Masha'Allah it amazes me when I see what people actually do for fellow Muslims. We take the extra step to help others for the sake of Allah and out of love for each other. Masha'Allah.

I never realized how many hearts Asma touched. Its apparent that she touched many after reading emails and comments left on my blog.

I have been given another poem about Asma by a sister who comes to this blog often. Masha'Allah I loved it.

======================

Asma...

A beautiful name with a beautiful meaning...

Surely Asma was someone really precious and dear to me. Someone who I can never forget. Her love and patience strengthened me to become a better person.

Memories will always stay, tears will always fall...But the love that I still have for Asma cannot be described to all - I Pray and Hope that Allah has mercy on her sweet soul - Ameen -

And now that she has gone, left me all alone behind...I just wish I could hug and kiss my baby sister one last time...

- Muharibah -

======================

May Allah reward sister Muharibah for writing this poem. Ameen

May Allah keep her and all the Muslims on the straight path and forgive our sins. Ameen

May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen

May Allah elevate Asmas status to the highest level in Jannah. Ameen

May Allah give us sabr and shiffa. Ameen

May Allah guide us all. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh

In Memory of Asma, Rahmatallahi'alayha

2006-03-06T12:26:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I was going through my computer and found something that someone made for Asma shortly after she passed away.

Someone linked this to me from a forum. Subhana'Allah, I must say I got tears in my eyes when I read this.

May Allah reward whoever made this. Ameen.

By the way, if you know who made this, please let me know as I would like to contact that person, Insha'Allah.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Memory of
Asma,
rahmatallahi'alayha

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Tears In Heaven by Eric Claptop

Yup, I miss her, very much. :'(

May Allah grant Asma the highest level in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and my family shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah reward whoever made this for Asma. Ameen
May Allah protect the Muslims and keep them on the straight path. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Thanking Allah...

2006-03-01T10:29:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Its been almost 13 months since Asma passed away. I look back and think how the time went by so fast. It feels like yesterday when she passed away.

I sit and reflect on the things we, as a family, went through. Words cant even begin to describe it. The ear piercing screams that woke up the hospital floor to the traumatic events are left engraved in my mind.

I never really posted anything about her physical condition. I never really posted about what her wounds looked like nor did I post about how on a few occasions she was losing blood as if she had blood gushing out from a fountain...literally.

Many of you guys dont know that part of her and our life. There were family members that didnt even have the stomach to see her wounds. The odor of dried blood was something we got used to. The sight of her leg with a big hole with pieces of dead skin hanging over it wasnt something anyone could see. Not only that, you could see her tumor inside of her leg because the skin was gone and the insides of her leg were visible. Imagine what she went through.

Her whole back started to peel. You could see the fat that was underneath the skin because she became paralyzed and couldnt get off her back which kept oxygen from circulatng.

This is just a glimpse of what happened. This is nothing. If I ever told any of you guys the things Asma went through and what I saw, you would be left in tears.

Subhana'Allah, like I said, words cant describe it.

Despite all that, Asma always was thankful to Allah Subhanawatalaa for giving her other leg and giving her the ability to eat, sleep, see and hear.

How often do we take these things for granted? Wallahi Asma NEVER EVER complained. Yet, here I complain about petty little things. I used to get mad when people went around spreading rumors about me both online and real life. However, now I just think whats the point? Even if I do get down, I think of how I will be rewarded. I think how a little girl did it. That puts me to shame.

If she could, she would come dragging herself in the other room with one leg so she can pray with us in Jamaat. Allahu Akbar!

Lets stop and take a minute to think how much we take for granted? How often do thank Allah for everything? How hard do we try to please Allah despite the difficulties?

Subhana'Allah I feel like Im failing right now... :(

May Allah grant Asma the highest level in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once gain in the hereafter. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and family sabr. Ameen
May we be thankful to Allah for everything. Ameen
May Allah open up our hearts and clear them of evil and harm. Ameen
May Allah forgive us and keep us on the straigth path. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Love For The Muslims

2006-02-17T09:12:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I know I have kind of slacked off updating this blog, but I had to do a few things that kept me busy.

Insha'Allah I will be updating more often.

The other day when I was thinking about Muslims dying, getting tortured, raped, and savagely beaten by the kuffar, I remembered the time where Asma was got very upset.

Subhana'Allah this story just motivates me and makes me realize how low and weak I am in Imaan. Asma at around 10 years of age had way more Imaan than I did...or atleast thats what it seemed like.

I remember watching a video of a Chechen fighter literally being slaugthered. The video was upclose with live sound. The kaffir had a knife and was slowly cutting the throat of the Muslim. You could hear and see the Muslim in pain and how he was choking on blood.

I came home and told my dad about that. My mother was there and so were my brother and Asma. Asma was on her bed downstairs playing and talking to us.

I had finished telling my father about the video and he was very sad and depressed. Asma had been quiet for the whole time I was telling the story.

All of a sudden, she started to weep really loud. She would crying so much, so loud. She felt so hurt and bad about the Muslim who was slaughtered. Subhana'Allah. :'(

Subhana'Allah look Asma loved Muslims so much. She hated the kuffar who did this. Allahu Akbar!

When I was 10, I didnt even know the difference. Asma stopped talking and hanging with the kuffar. She only spoke to Muslims. She loved the Muslims. She would do anything and everything for a fellow Muslim.

When she would hear about a Muslim in pain, she would lose sleep over it and keep thinking about it. Wallah she would do that.

One time we were at the hospital for Asma's appointment, the nurse told Asma to pick out a present. They all loved her. So Asma picked up a necklace (and I think earrings too). She told us she was going to give it to a Muslim girl who was also going through Osteosarcoma (type of cancer that Asma had). She said I know how it feels and I want to give it to her. Subhana'Allah look at that.

Asma loved presents and jewelry. Yet, she decided to give it to that girl instead of keeping it for herself. Subhana'Allah Asma never got to give it to her. Asma was really looking forward to meeting her, but for some reason the people didnt seem too eager to meet her. Allahu Alim. I could tell Asma felt so hurt. :( Asma thought it was because of her illness and her amputated leg.

Anyways, Asma put others before herself. She put Muslims before herself. If someone would do something for her, she would do the same in return, but more. She would take the extra step. Allahu Akbar!

Its such an honor to know that she was once my sister. I learned so much from her. Wallahi I did.

She had so much love for the Muslims. Allahu Akbar!

May Allah grant Asma the highest level in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah grant my parents and family shiffa and sabr. Ameen
May Allah grant shiffa and sabr to that girl and her family Asma got a gift for. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

February 9th, 2005

2006-02-09T17:17:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

One year ago on Wednesday, February 9th, Asma came home from the hospital. She went into the hospital to get a catheter and a pic-line put in to allow us to inject medicine in her body.

The pic-line was connected in her chest and eventually going to her heart. The other end of the line was about 6 inches long and was hanging from her chest.

Anyways, she had a minor surgery to put in the line during later morning/afternoon. The doctor told us there is a big chance she wouldnt make it. In fact, according to the doctor, she "may die on the table."

It was expect to take about an hour for the surgery. We were all sad when she was going. Actually, she made a deal with us and the doctors lol. She said that the only way she will go is if the doctors let us go in with her into the operating room so I can transfer her onto the operating table. She didnt trust the doctors or the nurses at all.

As they were sedating her through her IV via her pic-line, she was slowly falling asleep. As she was, she continously would say, "La Illaha Ilalla Muhammad RasoolAllah."

She would always say that whenever she was put to sleep. Allahu Akbar!

I transferred her onto the operating table and went into the waiting room. My parents and I were waiting there and crying. All of a sudden, the doctor came to us and said, "All done! Shes doing well."

We were very surprised and so happy and took a deep breath.

We met her in the back in her room in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). She was sleeping like a baby when he got there.

We just sat around her and kept looking at her. My mom trimmed her toe nails of her right leg (and only leg) and of her hands. We cleaned her up. Subhana'Allah, she looked so pretty and beautiful. I can still see it.

The doctor came later on in the day towards the evening and told us we can go home. They told us she wouldnt live long. We denied it. We said she will live and fight through it. Subhana'Allah.

So we went home. Since Asma was paralyzed in the end, we couldnt take her in the wheelchair. We had to take her in the hospital bed that she was sleeping on.

I went ahead and pulled the van around in the back where the Ambulances drop off patients in the Emergency Room (ER).

They rolled the whole bed out next to my van. Now keep in mind this is was during the winter night. It was freezing cold and Asma was in her hospital clothes. She only had a little blanket over her.

I reclined her seat all the way down so she can be comfortable.

I put my right arm underneath her knee and my left arm under her upper back. I lifted her up like a baby in my arms and rested her on the seat. My parents helped me out too. She was very cold. She was shivering. I wrapped her in the blankets and turned the heat on high.

When we got in, she started to have breathing attacks because she was nervous. However we calmed her down and she was okay.

It took us about an hour to get home. We were happy that everything went well it was just another obstacle that we overcame in our ongoing struggle against cancer. Subhana'Allah.

We got home. It was difficult to take her inside. However, we managed to do it. I used the same technique when picking her up and carryng her.

I took her inside and rested her on her bed.

She was weak, tired, and cold.

We felt good that night thinking that we were making progress.

Little did we know what was going to happen Friday morning on the 11th...

Subhana'Allah I want to cry...

May Allah grant Asma the highest level in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah grant my parents and my family sabr. Ameen
May Allah grant my parents shiffa and my family shiffa. Ameen

Wow Subahana'Allah... :'(

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

When I Turned 23.

2006-02-07T09:20:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Well, I turned 24 today, Alhamdulillah. All praises be to Allah.

I have been up for over a 24 hours now. I couldnt sleep last night. I kept thinking about Asma and what it was like during her last days.

It will be a year on the 11th since she has passed away. I remember during her last few days, she was very sick. Not only she was mostly paralyzed, but her body was slowly shutting down. Her system was shutting down and giving up.

It was obvious her health was declining. She wouldnt speak. She wouldnt move. She wouldnt laugh. She wouldnt cry. She was just in bed hooked up to the oxygen.

Because her 1 1/2 lungs were collapsed, she had a hard time breathing. She would constantly have breathing/coughing attacks. She would constantly cough to get fluid out, but rarely did she ever get anything out.

As days went by, as she coughed more and more, you could sense how the coughs were getting weaker and weaker. You could hear fluids inside her while she breathed.

Anyways, as described above, this is how Asma was one year ago when I turned 23. During her last days, I was sleeping downstairs with her and my mom. Asma was in the bed that we had for downstairs. My mom was on the recliner and I slept on the couch.

All throughout the night, every 5 minutes I would here her cough. And whenever she coughed, she would yell out, "Omar! Saas! Emergency!" ("Omar! Breathing attack. Emergency!")

I would quickly get up and hook her up to the oxygen machine as well as the Nebulizer. Sometimes it would calm her down. Other times it wouldnt.

There were times when she coughed for SIX HOURS STRAIGHT! Nonstop! Subhana'Allah.

Anyways, one of the times I got up and told her, "Asma guess what? Im 23. hehe"

I was looking for every way to make her feel better and cheer up.

Heres the sad part...when I told her I turned 23, she remained silent. However, when I saw her, I could tell she wanted to smile and laugh. I could tell her by facial expression.

She would always tease me of how Im getting old. lol

But it really got me sad. It got me sad because it was hard to see her motionless and in pain.

If anything, she would say "Allahu Akbar!" or "La Illaha Illillah Muhammad RasoolAllah."

Subhana'Allah, it was really a depressing scene. I can still hear her voice and coughs and the sounds of the oxygen machines.

Subhana'Allah. :(

I just thought Id share this since I have been thinking about that all night.

May Allah raise Asma's status to the highest level in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma again. Ameen
May Allah give us all sabr and shiffa. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

O Princess

2006-01-30T17:39:00.000-06:00

I got an email yesterday from a reader of this blog, Maryam Khan, telling me how touching it was for her to read it and how she had tears after reading it.

She said that she felt inspired and as a result wrote a poem about Asma. I liked the poem very much and decided I'd share it with you all, Insha'Allah.

May Allah reward her and keep her on the straight path. Ameen

Here is the poem:

O Princess

The thought of your sweet smile
Made my heart soft

Your patience, your braveness
you kept it till your last breath

O Asma, You are the juwel
The juwel of your beloved father
Your mother, sisters and brothers
Especially your beloved brother, Omar
You are the comfort of his eyes

Your remembrance of Allah
Your trust in Allah
You didn't rely upon others than al-Shafi ta'ala

You called upon your brother,
whenever you needed anything

You used to play with each other
You laughed together
You shared everything with each other
You used to have a beautiful fragrance
No body can smell it anymore
But in the heart of your brother

Now you are gone
Your brother can't see you again
O Asma please do come in his dreams
Let him see the sight of you
Let your brother be sure
about your present condition
Let him know if you need anything

I don't know how you look like, O beautiful sister
But I am sure, your face is filled with Noor
Your heart is enlighted with peace
You are save my dear
No longer will you have any pain
I do nothing but praying for you
Never will I forget you
You are truly lovely and inspiring

You bring joy and tears
At my face
You are a beutiful rose
A rose that never wither
You will always
have a room in my heart, O Princess

May Allah be pleased with your, and enlight your grave with Noor and let you be in the company of the Beloved of Allah and his companions, and let you be among those who stand by the beloved of Allah, and your parent's and siblings and your brother, on the day of Judgement. And may the Merciful, let you be in the company of your family in Jannah. Ameen

- By Maryam Khan

Blessing In Disguise

2006-01-28T07:58:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I got back probably an hour ago from from my sister's grave. I went there shortly after Fajr.

On the way there I was thinking how its a blessing that she passed away. I know this may sound a bit odd, but its true. My parents say the same thing whenever we talk about her.

She had her leg amputated all the way up to the hip. She was confined to the wheelchair/bed most of the time. She had other problems that were created by chemotherapy. She was dependent on others. She was a very shy person. Her personality was such that even if anyone physically harmed her, she would remain quiet and not say a word. She would just have sabr and move on.

Sometimes she would tell me later and I would kind of upset because I wanted the beat the crap out of anyone who would try to hurt her.

Anyways, what Im trying to say is that this world wasnt for her. She would have had a very hard time surviving. People are so damn cruel. They are heartless.

There was a time (quite of few months before she passed away) when we took Asma to this Muslim gathering. We took her for food, clothes, and to meet people. Subhana'Allah she was quite popular. lol People I didnt even know were coming up to her and saying, "ASMA!! Kasi hoi?!?!" ("ASMA!! How are you?!?!") I would just stand there trying to figure what had just happened. I will be thinking why dont they say that to me. lol

I would ask Asma how come everyone knows her. She would say, "I guess Im just popular." lol She would say that to tease me. Funny stuff.

Well people knew her because she was on the radio a few times (Muslim one here in Chicago) and she basically told them whats going on with her and also recited some Surahs. She won many hearts. She just called in to see what would happen. She didnt even expect anything).

Anyways, at the gathering, this lady that my parents have known for many years saw my mom and Asma and walked towards them. Asma was in a wheelchair talking and eating. Out of nowhere, this lady that my parents know starts to look Asma up and down in her wheelchair. Asma was feeling uncomfortable obviously. My mom asked her what she was doing.

Get ready for this lady's retarded response. She told my mom she was looking for Asma's leg and wanted to see how she looks without her leg. What a bitch. Leave the little girl alone.

My mom became furious and told her off and to never ever do that again. She told her never to talk about her daughter like that again. Im surprised she didnt knock her out.

Later on when Asma and I were joking around, she told me what had happened. I asked her how she felt when my mom told her off.

Asma said, "I was so happy mom got mad at her and yelled at her. I was so proud of her. I was so mad at the lady. I wanted to punch her so bad."

When Asma said that, I wanted to cry. I felt so bad. Asma wasnt the type of girl who would want to hurt anyone or even get revenge. She never wanted to. However, her wanting to punch the lady shows how hurt Asma was. Man, imagine some one doing that to you. I personally would tell the person to go to hell or something and push them away if I was in Asma's place.

But Asma being a shy, patient girl, she kept it in. Alhamdulillah my mom was there. May Allah reward her and Asma. Ameen

So this is what I mean that the world is cruel and harsh. Its a blessing she passed away. Obviously it was better for her. However, for us, its been very painful. The emotional and physical attachment that we had was very close and tight. Its very tough and hard to live without her.

People tell us all the time to forget about her and move on. Do they really listen to themselves when they say that to us? Subhana'Allah.

Everyday I think of her. Everyday I miss her. Everyday I want to see her again. Everyday I make dua'a that I along with my whole family am reunited with Asma again.

May Allah reward my parents and Asma. Ameen
May Allah forgive Asma and grant her Janatul Firdaus. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma again. Ameen
May Allah guide the people who are selfish and heartless. Ameen
May Allah protect us from evil and harm. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Filthy Rumors

2006-01-24T17:03:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I want to clear something up that has been going on for a while. At first I tried to ignore it, but it keeps happening over and over.

I was warned of something like this by some one when I first created this blog, but I figured no one would actually stoop to such a low level and create such filthy fitnah.

Apparently there is a rumor going around that I am using this blog to get girls. Yes, you read it right. For whatever reason, some sick-minded person/people have been saying that this blog is basically a way for me to get girls or to trap women.

How sick can you get? That is such a filthy, disgusting, rotten thing to say. Shame on you whoever you are. How can you even look at yourself in the mirror after saying such things?

Wallahi it makes me sick to my stomach to hear such things like this. Subhana'Allah.

Some people need to get a life. Wallahi how pathetic of you to actually to do this.

Im just going to let Allah Subhana'Watalaa sort this out, Insha'Allah for He is Most Just.

La Hawla Wa La Quatta Illa Billa

May Allah guide us all and protect us from evil. Ameen
May Allah guard our tongues and clear our hearts of fitnah. Ameen
May Allah give the evil doers what they deserve. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Janazah in Makkah

2006-01-19T08:16:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

There were Janazahs almost after every prayer in both Makkah and Medina.

There was one in particular that I still remember.

It was a few minutes before Fajr prayer and I was sitting down on out on the street. There wasnt any room inside. It was packed.

Anyways, I noticed to my right, a group of about 3-4 guys were walking in my direction. They were carrying a deceased body wrapped in a Kafn (shroud). The shroud looked like the Ihram that I wore when I did Umrah.

The shroud had wrapped the whole body and the ends were tied with a rope. The guy in the front was making way to go inside the Haram. It was literally packed.

Anyways, as they were walking by, it reminded me of Asma and when she passed away. At the time, I didnt try to think too much of it and tried to shrug it off.

However, after the Fajr Salah, I went back to the hotel to eat breakfast. I was sitting at the table with my family. We were all eating breakfast. I mentioned the incident to my father. A few minutes later, I started to cry. At first I tried to hold it in, but couldnt any longer. I just started to cry silently with my face covered.

It was the way the guys were carrying the deceased that reminded me of Asma when she passed away. The look on the guys face reminded me of myself. They werent crying. They seemed very nervous. They didnt appear to be themselves.

Thats how I was when Asma passed away. For a bit, I was numb. I seemed like I was in a rush just like those guys I saw at the Haram. It was as if I didnt have time to cry because I needed to get everything ready, cleaned up, and arranged.

Same thing appeared with the guys at the Haram. They seemed preoccupied and didnt look like they had time to cry or show emotions.

This may not be making much sense to anyone, but I felt like I could relate to them. It remind me of Asma so much and when she passed away. Things appeared to be hectic.

The whole trip reminded me of Asma especially because Asma really wanted to do Umrah. However, when I saw the deceased being carried, it really hit me because I actually saw something which resembled the time when Asma passed away.

May Allah give us Sabr. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Flashbacks All Over Again

2005-12-29T12:05:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

So last night I checked my email and have received an email from a Muslimah who frequents my blog. Since I have asked everyone to email me with their names so I can make dua'a for them, this Muslimah went ahead and emailed me.

She also mentioned to make dua'a for her friend who is terminally ill. Subhana'Allah. When she said that, it was as if I went back in time. I was having flashbacks. I can still vividly remember the hospital scenes, the doctor visits, the home therapies, Asma's screams, her pain, her tears, her plea for help, the uncertainty we were in especially my parents, how we feared everytime the doctor came in Asma's room in case if he had bad news, how we dealt with the bad news, the lonely drive home at 2 AM, close life and death situations Asma was put in over and over, etc.

The list can go on and on. So many things, but dont if I cant handle it. It makes me want to cry. Even to this day, I try not to think about it. If I really sit down and think back and think what we, as a family have gone through and more importantly the pain that Asma has endured, my heart will beat fast and I will go into depression and will isolate myself.

I will probably cry a lot. I still have images of the things that happened to her. Those images arent very pleasant. Subhana'Allah.

Anyways, I guess its good that I had these flashbacks. It tends to keep me in check. Alhamdulillah.

May Allah give all shiffa and sabr to all the Muslims who are sick. Ameen
May Allah grant a spacious grave to all the Muslims who have passed away and keep them from the fitnah of the graves. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with the loved ones again in the Akirah. Ameen
May Allah elevate their status to the highest in Jannah. Ameen

Again, as I have said in my previous post, I just want to say that if you want me to make dua'a for you at Hajj, email me at haq_omar@hotmail.com, Insha'Allah.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Asma's Belongings

2005-12-28T10:40:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum,

The other day I was cleaning the garage and came across some things that made me pause for a little bit and think.

At first, I found Asma's shoes, sandals, and boots. They had dust over them. However, they were like new in condition. I just stopped and thought about how she used to wear them. She loved shoes.

I just put them back where I found them. I dont want to throw them away or anything.

Then I opened up the cabinets in my garage. Its full of toys, games, dolls, and picture frames thta Asma had gotten over the years as presents. Many of them are still in the wrapper and havent been opened. Half the time she didnt even feel well enough to open them and play.

They are just sitting there collecting dust. I dont even want to take them out. I just shut the cabinet because I didnt want to look at them.

Her stuff is everywhere. Her clothes, toys, wheelchair, walker, toilet, medical supplies, prosthetic leg, shoes, etc. are everywhere from her room to the basement.

I dont plan on throwing them away.

Insha'Allah we are trying to donate medical supplies to anyone who needs them and same with the clothes and toys that she didnt ever use/wear.

The clothes and toys that she did use/wear before, Im keeping them.

People make me really mad when they say we should throw all that way or give it away. Im just like, "Screw you."

Her shoe is still in the same place as it was before she passed away. No one wants to move it. Her sunglasses are still on the top of the TV stand as they were before she passed away.

Before I go, I just want to say that if you want me to make dua'a for you at Hajj, email me at haq_omar@hotmail.com.

Either way, I will make dua'a for Muslims all around the World, Insha'Allah.

May Allah reunite us with Asma again. Ameen
May Allah accept our dua's and Hajj and forgive us all. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest level in Jannah. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum.

Umrah

2005-12-26T13:08:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

The date is getting closer and closer...

Im leaving for Hajj Insha'Allah on Saturday, December 31st. I have been busy taking care of some stuff, running errands, and packing.

While Im doing all this, Im constantly thinking of Asma. I think of how happy she would have been if she was going too.

I remember when she was with us, her wish was to go for Umrah. She told everyone that. Whether she was asked by the nurses, doctors, friends, or total strangers as to what her biggest wish was, her answer was always the same. She was always said, "I want to go for Umrah."

There is an organization/foundation called "Make a Wish" which helps kids with terminal illness. They help them by giving the child and the family anything he/she wants.

For a while we declined because Asma and we didnt want to deal with them. However, we kept getting calls from them and insisted they wanted to help Asma. So one day they called and Asma just said that she wanted to go for Umrah.

We didnt even say a word to her about going for Umrah. Even the people at "Make a Wish" had told us that they never even did or heard of something like this. They said that kids usually wish for a trip to an amusement park, Disney World, or to meet their favorite movie star or celeberty. However, Asma wished to go for Umrah.

Halfway through Asma's illness, we told her that we would take her for Umrah once she got better. She was very excited. She started to make plans and used to tell my mom what she would do. She was looking forward to Umrah.

Little did she know that Allah Subhana'watalaa had something else planned for her.

I always think of Asma, but it will be even harder when I go to the airport and on my way to the Saudi.

Just one year ago, I was in the plane with Asma. Its going to remind me all over again. Im afraid to imagine what may happen when I think of it. Im just going to keep myself busy and go over the dua'as, Insha'Allah.

May Allah reunite us with Asma. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah accept everyone's Hajj and their dua'as. Ameen

By the way, I may make a blog to post my experiences at Hajj, Insha'Allah. I will get back to you on that soon, Insha'Allah.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

"Because I want some Fruit Roll-Ups."

2005-12-16T01:25:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum

Its early morning right now. Its currently around 1:30 AM. I miss Asma so much. I kind of feel lonely. Well, I am lonely. So I just decided to come online and blog.

It was about an hour before Isha so I figured Id go take care of the groceries real fast. I need to get a few things for my mom and dad. As I was pushing the cart through the food section, I came upon those Fruit Roll-Ups. For those of you who dont know what it is, its basically a roll of fruit candy. Its good.

Anyways it automatically reminded me of Asma as I smiled a little. Asma used to love it. She would always tell me to go out and get it even if it was late at night.

She loved the watermelon flavor.

Whether I was at school or sleeping, she would call me and ask me to get Fruit Roll-Ups or candy for her.

It went something like this:

Asma: "Assalaamualaikum."
Me: "Walaikumassalaam."
Asma: "Where are you?"
Me: "At school."
Asma: "When are you coming home?"
Me: "In a while. Why?"
Asma: "Because I want some Fruit Roll-Ups."
Me: "Okay, I will get it. But I will be home in a little while okay?"
Asma: "Okay."
Me: "Assalaamualaikum."
Asma: "Walaikumassalaam."

She was so cute. She would sometimes wake me up and tell me to go out and bring her stuff. Of course, I couldnt say, "No." lol

Of course, when I thought of her, I smile. That smile turned into sadness. :'(

Lately, I have been missing her and more every day, every night. I really needed to talk to her and ask her for some advice. :'(

May Allah reunite us with her again. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum

Surprise: Home from Mexico

2005-12-08T14:22:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Exactly one year ago today, we came home from Mexico. We were in Mexico for Asma's treatment. It was actually one of the last things we had tried for Asma. Everything had failed. 99.9% doctors had given up. Clinically speaking, we really had no chance whatsoever. As one doctor had stated one month prior to Asma's passing away, "Shes on an end of life journey."

Anyways, Amsa was excited to finally come home after spending months in Mexico away from family. Majority of the time, it was my father, my mother, Asma, and myself. My father had come home few days earlier because he needed to take care of some personal things.

I remember when my dad had left for the airport, Asma was very, very sad. She was heartbroken.

She was crying so much. As she weeped, she kept saying, "Mujey daddy qiyoon chorkay chalaygai? Daddy mera dil ka thookra hai." ("Why did daddy leave me? Daddy is a part of my heart.")

She kept saying that over and over. We finally calmed her down by telling her that we too will be back home soon, again.

Well time went by and it was time to pack and get to the airport. We were soon on our way to Chicago. No one had a clue whatsoever that we were coming. Asma specifically wanted to keep it a secret from Aysha because she wanted to surprise her. lol

We arrived at the O'Hare Airport in Chicago around 4:30-5:00 AM. My father was waiting and picked us up.

Asma was very excited. She told us not to make a noise so she can surprise Aysha. Well I drove back and we finally got home. I carried Asma upstairs to the room Aysha was sleeping in. Aysha had fallen asleep on my parents bed.

Asma was giggling as she grew anxious. I was smiling too. We slowly tip-toed near Aysha and stopped by her feet. Asma was still wearing a coat, gloves, scarf, and a winter skull cap. She didnt even wait to take her gloves off when she started to tickle Aysha with her finger. She was quiet and smiling. She was eager for Aysha to wake up and see her reaction.

Soon, Aysha got up and was confused. She looked up and stared at us for a few seconds. She was quiet.

All of a sudden she screams, "ASMA!!!!!!!!!!!"

lol Asma at this pointed bursted in laughter and wouldnt stop. It seemed like she had the time of her life. lol

Aysha then woke up and came down stairs to talk to Asma and the rest of us.

I will never forget this incident. It was so funny very heartwarming to see that Asma was excited and was finally home.

Everytime I think about it, I get tears in my eyes. With every memory of her, it comes with a smile. It also comes with tears...

May Allah reunite us with Asma again in the Hereafter. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest level. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

No More Ranting and Raving

2005-12-06T10:25:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum,

I miss Asma. A lot. Damn, I really miss her.

I miss how she used to smile. I miss how she used to speak. I miss her witty comments and comebacks. I miss her eloquence. I miss her self-confidence.

I miss how she use to always have time to talk to me. I used to go up to her and just start ranting and raving. She would either sit there and talk to me or laugh at me. lol

I miss how she never used to pass judgements on me. She used to believe me right away without making me say "Promise" or "Wallahi."

When people would say things about me, she knew the truth. Trust me, she knew A LOT about me.

When I get caught up in things such as school, family, and my projects (working on cars), it sometimes takes my mind off of things. It takes my mind off of Asma; which can be a good thing at times. Many times I find myself doing absolutely nothing as a result of depression when I think of her. Like now.

I wish I can just go to her right now and let everything out. Tell her about life and problems. I wish I can ask her for advice. Ask her what to do.

I was able to go to talk to her and was very comfortable with it because not only I knew I could trust her and she wouldnt tell anyone else, but also because I trusted and respected her advices.

Well, maybe this post wasnt much of benefit to anyone like other posts are sometimes. I guess this is my new way of ranting and raving and letting it all out since she is gone. But I still cant be totally open and ask for advice on how what to do and how to deal with my current problems.

Sucks. Yeah, big time.

May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest level. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum.

One of the Most Heartbreaking Things Ever

2005-11-26T21:45:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum,

There have been many things that Asma has said and done that truly broke my heart. Wallahi, it has. Of course, Asma used to say and do things out of pure innocence. Actually, thats what made it worse. The fact that she said it out of innocence made it even worse.

I dont know where to start, but I still remember one of the most heartbreaking things that she ever said. Subhana'Allah, I felt like my world had crashed.

It was a while after she had gotten her leg amputated when this took place. Keep in mind, Asma was a very calm person. It took a lot for her to lose her patience.

She always thanked Allah even when calamity fell on her.

She always remembered Allah Subhana'Watalaa.

She always spoke nothing but the truth. She NEVER EVER lied. Never. Yes, really.

Anyways, one day, either to my mom or my sister, she said, "Nobody is going to marry me because of my leg [is gone]."

Subhana'Allah...

What do you say?

What can you say?

I was in shock. My heart was shedding tears. It was broken in half. I couldnt believe she said that.

She didnt even say it to make people feel pity for her. She wasnt that kind of person whatsoever. She didnt care. She didnt give a damn what others thought of her.

However, she said only to speak her mind. She said it because she knew no one would marry her since her leg was amputated. Imagine what she felt like?

Everyday, while sitting in her bed, she would peek out the window when her school bus came at her stop.

Everytime guests came over, while sitting in her bed, she would smile as she watched the kids run around happily.

She used to tell my father not to feel depressed (about her getting her leg amputated) because she can still hop one leg. Allahu Akbar! Look at this little girl's faith and courage. Wow.

She used to me that she didnt care what other people thought of her. She didnt care if other people saw that she didnt have her leg anymore.

When she first got her leg amputated, we would always put a blanket or shawl over her lower body whenever she would sit in bed or her wheelchair...basically everywhere she went outside of home.

Out of nowhere, she said I dont want the blanket.

"Mujey blanket nahi oornah" ("I dont want the blanket."), said Asma.

I said, "Leikin loogh thumko dekengay" ("But people will look at you").

Asma said, "Hehe Tho? I dont care" ("Hehe So? I dont care").

I was just in awe. I mean look at her courage and confidence. I was sad, however, because of what she was going through.

Simply put, it broke my heart.

May Allah grant Asma the highest level of Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma again. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum.

Visiting Asma

2005-11-23T22:43:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I had to run some errands today for my mom. Since I didnt have school today, I got stuff done during the day. One of the places I had to go was near Asma. It was about 10-15 min away from the cemetery.

On the way back, I stopped by Asma. Subhana'Allah, everytime I go, the mood changes. Its depressing. Its saddening. I may be smiling or talking normally prior to visiting her. Even up to the time where I am pulling into the cemetery, I will be okay (or atleast look okay). However, all of a sudden, my facial expression will change. I feel like I have a lifeless look on my face. Most of the time, I will be quiet.

Anyways, I will go in towards her grave. The pathway is literally 3-5 feet away from where her grave is. When I get out and actually sit/stand next to her grave, it feels so wierd.

I mean, wow, Asma is actually gone. Shes buried. Shes not here. Subhana'Allah.

I will look down into the ground and actually realize shes only inches below me. Shes so far away, yet so close. I try to imagine what she looks like. I try to imagine if she is still the same as she was before her burial.

As strange as it may sound, many times I wonder if her body has decomposed. All these questions come to my mind. I become so curious...so helpless. I just want to see her.

I know it sounds bizarre, but many times I feel like digging up her grave again and opening up her casket and uncovering her kafn (shroud) so I can see her one more time.

Yeah, it sounds very strange and odd, but I think like that. I just want to hold her one more time. Touch her one more time. Kiss her one more time. :'(

I try to imagine what she would be doing at the moment. Im thinking what shes doing right now.

I think about what she would be doing when I go visit her. I try to imagine her responding to my Salaam in the same manner she used to respond to my Salaam when she was here.

She used to have this sweet, tender voice full of life. Subhana'Allah.

Everyday I look at her bed. Its empty. :(

I know it may sound wierd, but I cannot sit on her bed. I just dont feel comfortable. I feel like I will hurt her by sitting on top of her. I know this has no meaning and is completely false, but I still have that feeling.

If anyone notices, they will see that even if I accidentally sit on her bed, I will get up right away and sit on the floor. Strange, I know.

I feel like Im going nuts. I cant imagine what my parents go through. Wow Subhana'Allah.

May Allah reward my parents for thier patience. Ameen

I just miss her presence. I miss the way she used to call my name and tell me to do things. If I do live for another 50 years, how will I do it? Its only been nine months and feel like I cant take it anymore.

Damn I miss her. :'(

Hmmm, Subhana'Allah.

May Allah raise Asma's level in Jannah to the highest. Ameen
May Allah grant my parents sabr, happiness and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen
May Allah give the rest of the family sabr. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

How did she do it?

2005-11-14T12:21:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I think I have been sick for about a week now. I have been hit with a flu. I have pretty much been out of it. Most of the time I would drug myself heavily and just hide under a blanket(s). That and drank plenty of fluids. Alhamdulillah, Im better today...enough to go to school.

I have been and am still coughing like a maniac. Many times I just wish I would cease to exist so I can avoid going through the pain and discomfort. I cough so much that it would hurt my throat and chest.

That got me thinking. I started to think about Asma and when she used to cough.

During the Asma's last month or two, her lungs were filled with fluids (it was the doctor's fault, but I wont get into it now. Maybe later, Insha'Allah). Her right lung was completely filled and had collapsed. Her left lung was 1/2 filled.

Obviously, that caused her to breathe with difficulty. She wasnt able to breathe on her own towards the end. She needed help with breathing. She was hooked up a huge respirator which was always on. Then there were two nebulizers by her side ready to be used in case of her breathing attacks.

Subhana'Allah, I dont think I know of anyone who coughed so much. Well, actually I dont. Its not even a question.

Asma would have attacks without warning. She would repeatedly cough with no end in sight. Sometimes she coughed for 20 minutes. Other times she coughed for SIX HOURS STRAIGHT! Subhana'Allah, can you imagine that?

After coughing for six hours, she would finally stop. However, it would start back up again and last for another THREE TO FOUR HOURS!

It later became a routine for her (and us). You could easily tell the pain she was in. Her face was pale. She was weak. VERY WEAK.

Despite all this, she NEVER EVER complained. Not even once. ALLAHU AKBAR!

She had these episodes everyday. On an average, her coughing lasted for about three hours. She would constantly cough without a break.

Now think about it...

...can you think cough non-stop for more than a few minutes? Asma coughed over and over, non-stop for SIX HOURS!

I give much props to my parents who sat there with the nebulizer in their hand in one position for hours and hours without complaining.

May Allah reward my parents. Ameen

I think about all this and think about myself, I see how weak I am. I get scared and upset if I get sick for a week. I get upset because I will cough on and off throughout the day, yet Asma NEVER complained when she coughed for SIX HOURS NON-STOP.

Subhana'Allah, look at the difference. Look at her strength, courage, and determination.

May Allah elevate Asma's status to the highest level in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for their patience, effort, and the faith they kept in Him. Ameen
May Allah give my parents and family sabr. Ameen
May Allah give my parents shiffa. Ameen

May Allah guide us and keep us on the straight path. Ameen.
May Allah forgive us of our sins and accept our good deeds. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Eid

2005-11-09T11:11:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

I was going to update this blog on Eid, but wasnt able to do because I have been sick. Actually, Im still sick, but felt like writing about Asma.

Before I go on, I just want to say Eid Mubarak to everyone and ask Allah to accept our fasts and worship during the blessed month of Ramadan. Ameen.

Anyways, this Eid was the first one without Asma. It was the first one ever since Asma passed away.

I couldnt help but to think about the previous Eids that we have had together as a family including Asma. Ever since she became ill, things werent ever the same.

Even though she would good days and bad days, ups and downs, the general trend of her health was going downwards. If you took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, you would see her health was slowly deteroiating.

There were so many factors that brought her health down. Besides cancer, the chemotherapy and various other drugs destroyed her health. Because her health was down, she felt weak most of the time.

However, despite all that, she still wanted to go to the Eid prayers with us. Even when she was frail and weak, she still wanted to go to the Eid prayers with us.

I remember her very first Eid after she was diagnosed with cancer. It was Eid-ul-Fitr on a cold, blustery day. Asma had been in the hospital for a few days now. She had been getting chemotherapy. Obviously, she couldnt leave the hospital.

That didnt stop her, though. She still insisted on having fun. See, to her, Eid meant new clothes, churiya (anyone know a better word for it in English? bracelets?), new shoes, mehendi (henna), hair done, eating sweets, getting gifts and money, and of course, having guests come over and meeting people. Thats what her Eid was all about.

So that day, even though she couldnt leave the hospital, she decided to have Eid at the hospital. She woke up early morning around 6:00 AM - 7:00 AM. Now, keep in mind that because of the chemotherapy and being constantly disturbed during the night, her sleeping routine had changed. During the night, the nurses would come and constantly check her temperature, draw blood, start new IVs, flush her lines, make her use the bathroom, give her medications orally, etc. Its a never-ending list.

She would finally get to sleep go to sleep in themorning after a long night. She would usually wake up anywhere between 3:00 PM - 6:00 PM. However, being awake all night along didnt stop her.

When she woke up early morning, my mom gave her a sponge bath. Asma was excited. She quickly put on her new dress. Asma literally looked like a princess. She was a doll. Her dress was very beautiful.

She had nail polish on along with colorful churiya on both her wrists. Her hair was beautifully done. She had also put on matching dress shoes. She was all set to go.

My father, my brother, my sister, and I all went to the Eid prayer. My mom was at the hospital with Asma. She spent each and every second with Asma at the hospital (May Allah reward my mom. Ameen).

As soon as we prayed, we quickly went home and got food for my mom and Asma. They hated hospital food. Asma couldnt even stand the sight of it.

Soon we were on our way to the hospital. It was about 30 miles away. It usually took us about 45 min to get there. We called them up at the hospital that we were on our way. Asma was very anxious and excited.

We finally got there. We parked the car and went inside. The childerens floor was on the second floow. So we usually took the elevator up. Asma's room was on the other side of the floor. We anxiously walked towards her room. She kept peeking out the door to see if we were coming.

My dad was the first one to enter. Subhana'Allah, her face was lit with joy and happiness. Allahu Akbar!

She was so happy and excited. We all embraced and hugged her. She would ask everyone if she looked pretty. lol She did indeed look pretty.

We sat and talked. We ate. The nurses and the volunteers had found out about our Eid. My father gave them dawah.

They felt bad that Asma couldnt go out for Eid. They decided to decorate her room with streamers and signs. She was excited. They gave her gifts as well.

Everyone was supposed to come see Asma. Asma had waited since the second she woke up. She was expecting all of our relatives to come see her. Nothing made her more happy than to see people come see her. She loved having company.

Well, time goes by. Second after second...Minute after minute...Hour after hour...NO ONE came. She had been up for about 10-14 hours all day long after getting little sleep the previous night. She finally told my parents she wanted to go to sleep. :'( Subhana'Allah that was so sad.

She was tired of waiting and didnt want to wait any longer. She gave up. She was tired and exhausted. I could tell she was hurt and sad inside.

We turned the lights off. She asked my dad to massage her head and put her to sleep. My parets were upset, hurt, sad. They were angry more than anything.

Finally, as Asma was falling asleep, one by one, all my relatives were walking in the room. They were afraid to come in. They were all guilty.

It was too late, however. Asma, after a long day, went to sleep. My mom started to cry. She was so hurt and sad. My father didnt say a word. He was just sitting there angry.

Asma kept sleeping. She didnt wake up. She was sad. She even had taken her clothes off and wore her clothes that she wore at the hospital. She took her churiya off too.

They all left soon. No one really said anything. They couldnt. The night came to an end. We all were pretty bummed out.

However, now that I think about it, Im so glad my family and I spent time with Asma on Eid that day. Alhamdulillah.

Nothing meant more to Asma than to spend time with her family (parents and siblings). :)

Last Eid-ul-Fitr, we were in Mexico for Asma's treatment. Asma wanted to come pretty bad and celebrate Eid with the whole family. She missed Aysha and my brothers.

She was sad. However, my dad's friends came over from Los Angeles, California. Its about 4-5 hours away from where we were. They brought over a whole bunch of GOOD food. Alhamdulillah.

They did ALL that just for Asma. It made her happy. She had been craving desi food with spices. lol Subhana'Allah.

May Allah reward my dad's friends. Ameen
May Allah reward my parents for everything they have done and are continuing to do. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma again in the hereafter. Ameen
May Allah make us better Muslims and guide us to the straight path and keep us on it. Ameen
May Allah forgive us of all of our sins. Ameen
May Allah elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Asma in Ramadan: Disciplined, Determined, Courageous

2005-10-27T11:13:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

May Allah Subhanawatalaa accept our fasts and our worship to Him. Ameen
May Allah guide us and keep us on the straight path. Ameen

Well, Ramadan is almost over. This blessed of Ramadan has been full of memories. Memories of Asma were always on our minds.

When Ramadan started, I was full of mixed emotions. I was happy, yet sad at the same time. I was excited, yet depressed.

I was happy and excited because it gave me a chance to bring my Imaan back up again and really commit myself to Allah Subhanawatalaa. It was a chance for me to do some soul searching and fix/improve my weaknesses and become a better Muslim, better person.

On the other hand, I was sad and depressed (actually still am) because it was the first Ramadan without Asma. I keep thinking about what Asma used to do during Ramadan.

Last year, I spent Ramadan with my parents and Asma in Mexico. We were in Mexico for Asma's treatment. Subhana'Allah, very depressing time.

Insha'Allah, I will write about the time in Mexico at a later time, but in this post I will talk about our time with Asma during Ramadan over the years.

Asma was a very disciplined person. She kept her word. She had determination. She was a true fighter. Subhana'Allah.

She started to fast at the age of seven. No one told her to do nor did anyone hint it to her. She did it on her own. I still remember when she first told us she was going to fast. On one hand, we believed her, but then on the other hand we didnt take her seriously.

Well, we didnt wake her up for Suhoor in fear that she would really fast if we woke her up. While the rest of the family ate Suhoor, Asma was sleeping. After Suhoor, we prayed and went back to sleep.

Morning comes and we all wake up. lol Subhana'Allah Asma tells us shes fasting! We told her no since she didnt eat Suhoor. She kept insisting that shes fasting.

We then thought that she will eat when she becomes hungry as the day goes on. Well, time passed by. She still hasnt eaten. lol At this point, we knew she was serious.

Finally, it was time for Iftar. There she was, sitting with us breaking her fast. We were all so happy and proud of her.

Everyday after that, she would walk down for Suhoor. She would be really sleepy, yet she still would come down to eat. lol

I never even thought of fasting at the age of seven, yet here she is fasting.

She didnt stop there. She fasted for 27 days without take a break! Allahu Akbar!

Actually she was going to complete Ramadan, but my mom was afraid and thought her health would decline. My mom made her eat and not fast for the remaining days.

Only if I had the courage and determination that Asma had...Subhana'Allah.

Im always going to remember that. That itself is an example and a lesson for me.

Although Asma wanted to fast the following year, she couldnt do it because that was when she started to become ill. Subhana'Allah, even though she was becoming ill, she STILL wanted to fast. Look at her courage and determination. Allahu Akbar!

After she became sick, we didnt wake her up for Suhoor since there was no point. We let her sleep and rest.

Well, when we would be eating Suhoor downstairs, we would hear Asma's voice. She would wake up either from the smell of food or our voices.

In soft voice, she would yell out, "Omarrrrrr."

I would then run upstairs and ask her and say, "Kiya howa?" ("What happened?")

Asma would say, "Take me downstairs."

I would then pick up her and carry her downstairs. Keep in mind, she became immobile because of the massive tumor in her /knee leg which didnt allow her to walk.

There have been times where I would walk out of my room towards the stairs. As I would do that, Asma somehow knew and she whisper my name, "Omar..."

I would then go towards her and ask, "Kiya howa?" ("What happened?")

Asma would reply, "Shhh...dont tell mom and dad. Take me downstairs."

I would smile and so would she. I pick her and carry her downstairs. Everyone is thinking Asma is asleep, but to their surprise, Asma is coming downstairs.

As I would walk down the stairs, everyone would start cheering for her yelling her name.

They would say, "WOOOOOOO! Asma aagaye neechay! WOOOOOOO!" ("WOOOOOOO! Asma came downstairs! WOOOOOOO!")

Then my father would make room for her since she always sat by him.

Sometimes she didnt even eat. She would just come downstairs because it was fun for her. It was fun for her to sit around us and talk.

Subhana'Allah, memories of her make me smile. Sometimes I burst into laughter. lol

Last year, my parents, Asma and I went to Mexico for Asma's treatment. We left 3-4 days after Ramadan had started. So basically, we spent much of Ramadan in Mexico.

It was so lonely. I mean it was the first time we were ever actually apart from the rest of the family. Half of my family was back home in Chicago while the other half was in Mexico.

We were in the area where there were hardly any Muslims. Because of that, we were very limited as to what we could eat.

Sometimes we went the local grocery store and got something from the bakery or cereal. We would even get fruits and milk sometimes.

But for the most part, we had pizza for 3 weeks straight for Suhoor and Iftar. To be honest, I got sick of it when I came back home. It took me a while to get over it.

Our Ramadan passed by with uncertainty and anxiety. Soon it was Eid. Subhana'Allah, I felt so sad because Asma wanted to be home for Eid. She wanted to be with Aysha and my brothers. Asma was so used to having our whole family around even if my relatives didnt come to see her.

She loved it when guests came over on Eid to see her. She loved eating foods on Eid. But Alhamdulillah, she was very wise, mature, and patient. She understood and didnt get upset about it.

My dad's friend came over with his younger brother and an old friend of his from Los Angeles, California to see us. They drove for about 4-5 hours just to see us. They brought over so much food for us. Asma was very happy. She had fun and basically her version of Eid away from home.

May Allah reward them. Ameen

May Allah accept their good deeds and keep them on the straight path. Ameen

Who would have thought that it would be Asma's last Ramadan? I cetainly didnt. Subhana'Allah death can come anytime. It doesnt come with a warning.

Nothing can fill that empty space. Nothing can bring her back. Alhamdulillah Im just glad I got to spend time with her and have these memories of her.

We laughed. We played. We joked. We did everything. Alhamdulillah.

When I look back and think about her and her attitude towards life, I certainly look at it as a lesson in life.

I learned something from her attitude about Ramadan. Her determination, courage, and discipline has taught me the same. Although Im nowhere near it, its definately a reminder.

Allahu Akbar!

May Allah accept our fasts and keep us on the straigth path. Ameen

May Allah make us better Muslims. Ameen

May Allah raise Asma's status to the highest level in Jannah. Ameen

May Allah reunite us with Asma again. Ameen

May Allah give my parents, along with my family, shiffa and sabr. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Friday, October 9th, 1992

2005-10-09T07:50:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Friday, October 9th, 1992; the day Asma was born.

Who would have thought, when she was born, that she would leave before us?

Who would have thought, when she was born, that she would only be with us for 12 years?

Who would have thought, when she was born, that she would go through so much in 12 years?

Cancer wasnt even a thought. Asma and cancer? Impossible...or so we thought. If anything, it'd be us who would get sick or become terminally ill. Not Asma.

She looked just like any other baby. She laughed and played like everyone else.

I still remember holding her and putting her to sleep when she was a little baby. I would lay in bed with Asma on top of me on my chest. I would slowly pat and rub her back as I hummed waiting for her to fall asleep.

Even till recently before she passed away, she would sometimes tell me to put her to sleep by massaging her arms or legs. Sometimes her head, too.

Hey favorite phrase for it was, "Omar, salai me." ("Omar, massage me.") lol She mixed Urdu with English. I guess the best word I think of to translate "salai" into English is "massage."

I even remember that one evening when she was a baby, I was feeding her milk from a bottle while my mom was cooking. She was in my lap drinking milk as I held the bottle. I was watching TV while I was feeding her. I guess I lost track and wasnt paying attention to how much milk Asma had because all of a sudden she throws all the milk back up. lol Subhana'Allah the milk went all over face including her eyes. My mom got upset while my brothers were laughing.

Once Asma got older, I told her about the milk incident and everytime she would laugh so hard. lol Subhana'Allah.

She would ask questions such as, "Did you get in trouble?" or "Did I cry?" or "Were you scared?"

After I would answer, she would laugh. lol Subhana'Allah.

There are so many stories of her childhood that I remember. Insha'Allah sometime in the future I will write about it.

I know it doesnt mean anything, but something interesting I realized after talking to my mom. Asma was born on a Friday at 11:20 A.M.

She passed away on a Friday at 10:20 A.M. I just thought I'd mention this.

As I look back and think about Asma and her life and the things she used to say, two things come to my mind. At the time, we would get upset and tell Asma to refrain from saying such things. However, now that I think about it, it leaves me along with everyone else, speechless.

One of the things that Asma told my mom was, "Mujey teenager nahi ban na." ("I dont want to be a teenager.")

Subhana'Allah, just look at that. She never wanted to be a teenager. She passed away eight months prior to becoming a teenager. She would have become a teenager today as she would have been 13 years old.

Something to think about...

There was another time when Asma said something similar to my mom. One day my mom was talking to Asma about how she will get to do things when shes older. She told Asma how she will get to drive and do various things once shes older.

Asma replied by saying, "No. Watch, I wont make it to be 18. I wont be older."

Imagine what my mom went through. Subhana'Allah, that just breaks your heart.

I also remember what Asma said to me. One day, couple months prior to Asma passing away, I was talking to her about various, random things. One of the things that came up was marriage.

It went something like this:

Me: Are you going to dance at my wedding?
Asma: No.
Me (with a confused/surprised look): Why not?
Asma: Because I might die before that. I dont know if I will be there.

Subhana'Allah, I was speechless. Oh my God, I wanted to cry.

The thing was that whenever she said things like this, she said it casually. In fact, many times she would have a smile on her face while saying it. It was as if dying was no big deal. Wow Subhana'Allah.

Last night after Taraweeh, I was talking to this beautiful brother I have met, Ahmed (may Allah keep him on the straight path and reward him. Ameen). I was showing him around the masjid. I took him down to the basement where they had Salat-ul-Janazah for Asma. It brought back memories of February 12th. Gives me goosebumps whenever I go down there. Subhana'Allah.

Before, I end this, I just want to mention something that Ahmed has said to me last night. Subhana'Allah, its so true. He told me how Asma was a true soldier...a Mujahidah.

Subhana'Allah its so true. No matter what life brought her, all the trials and tribulations, Asma kept firm faith in Allah SubhanaWatalaa. Before EVERY surgery and ANYTIME she would be put to sleep or sedated, last thing Asma always said was, "LA ILLAHA ILALLAHU MUHAMMAD RASOOLALLAH."

ALLAHU AKBAR!

Even till the end, Asma always said, "Its a test from Allah. He tests those whom He loves the most."

ALLAHU AKBAR!

Can you imagine saying that at the age of 12? I didnt. Subhana'Allah.

I'm afraid to think whats going to happen today. I know my mom and dad will cry...alot. I just hope I can comfort them. I doubt I will say anything though. What can I say? Not much. Subhana'Allah.

Oh Allah, please elevate Asma's status in Jannah to the highest level. Ameen.
Oh Allah, please reunite us with Asma in Jannah. Ameen.
Oh Allah, please give my parents sabr and shiffa. Ameen.
Oh Allah, please give the rest of my family sabr and shiffa. Ameen.
Oh Allah, please keep us all on the straight path and cleanse our hearts of evil. Ameen.
Oh Allah, please save us all from the fitnah of the grave and Akirah. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Day of Uncertainty: Asma's Very First Surgery

2005-10-03T11:23:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Exactly three years ago, Asma underwent her very first (major) surgery.

It was probably one of the most stressful days during Amsa's battle with cancer. Subhana'Allah, I really dont think I can handle the amount of stress and uncertainty (that we went through) all over again.

Her surgery was on Tuesday, October 3rd, 2002. We had been preparing for this day for a several weeks. However, as each day went by, the closer we got to the date, the feeling of uncertainty grew. We were nervous...scared...we dreaded this day.

The week before the surgery, we met up with the surgeon. Everytime we went to the hospital, his office, it felt eerie.

Whenever we went to his office, we would always try to anticipate what would happen next. No one knew what the doctor would say next.

Anyways, the doctor examined Asma's tumor and told us that although the chemotherapy seemed to work (judging by how her tumor was fluid-like in the x-rays), he never dealt with such a massive-sized tumor.

Asma's tumor was HUGE. I mean HUGE. If I were to describe it, I would say it looked like a football or a soccer ball inside her leg where her knee was. Subhana'Allah, I cant even begin to imagine what she felt like. What a brave girl she was.

Her tumor was at such a place that it made her immobile. Ever since she was dianosed, she never was able to walk again.

Anyhow, the surgeon asked a question that basically ripped our hearts out.

Asma was sitting on the bench (the ones that the patient sits on in the doctors office). My parents and I were sitting on the chairs; my mom on the far right, my dad in the middle while I sat on the far left. The surgeon was sitting on his stool across the room.

He asked, "If I go in and see that I cant do it, should I close it back up or amputate her leg?"

The reason he said that was because since the tumor was massive in size, he didnt know if he would be able to operate and remove the tumor. When he asked us that, Asma started to cry and said, "Meri zindhigi kharab ho gaye. Meri life khatab ho gaye." ("My life is ruined. My life is done.")

My mom started to cry to at this point. My father, even though he wanted to cry, just sat there motionless, expressionless.

He then told the surgeon to close it back up and to allow us to think for our next option.

He agreed and we then went home.

--------------------

Comes next week. It was Monday night. I was at school, in class. I wasnt even able to do anything. I couldnt concentrate. I was shaking. I was nervous. I wanted to cry. Asma was in my head the whole time.

If I was feeling like that, imagine how Asma and my parents felt. Subahna'Allah, they are so brave.

After class, I spoke to my friend. He just gave me words of support and told me to hang in there and have faith in Allah Subhanawatalaa. Alhamdulillah. May Allah reward him. Ameen.

I went home. Nobody is really saying much. What do we say? What can we say?

Asma knows whats going on. Shes watching television. Shes anxious, yet scared. Shes anxious because she wants to get rid of her tumor and become "normal" again. Yet, she was scared because didnt know what would happen.

It was getting late. My mom packed her stuff for her her stay at the hospital with Asma. She packed her clothes and other belongings along with Asma's clothes.

We had to make sure Asma had stopped eating and drinking (even water) after midnight.

We went to sleep (or atleast tried to).

--------------------

It was morning. I think it was my mom who woke me up. Either her or my dad. Anyways, it was almost 5 AM. We got ready. Asma woke up. Even though she didnt say anything, we knew she was scared. I could tell she was. Subhana'Allah I just wanted to hold and tell her everything will be ok.

She got dressed and I carried her into the van. It was just my parents, Asma, and myself. I went in a separate car. I followed my dad.

It was a really eerie feeling. It was still dark out. The temperature was cool and the air was crisp. You could hear the winds howling. The streets were empty.

Soon, we got there. We dropped my mother and Asma off. Asma was sitting in her wheel chair. She was quiet. Didnt say anything. She had her head down with her little blanket over her lap.

I parked the cars while my parents and Asma waited.

We went inside to the registration booth. We checked in. As we did, we saw something which depressed us even more. We saw a man in a wheel chair with one leg missing. Subhana'Allah, thats what we feared for Asma. Ironic, isnt it?

We completed the registration process. We then were headed towards the room where Asma had to undress and change into the hospital gown. I was told to go to the waiting area.

I said Salaam to Asma and I hugged and kissed her and told her Insha'Allah I will see her later. I didnt want to leave her. :'( I left and went to the Smith Lounge (name of the waiting area). Thats where I prayed Fajr.

Since Asma was young, they allowed my parents to stay with her until she changed clothes. After she did that, the nurses were there to take her away and into the operating room. I think they already started to give her Anesthesia.

My parents told me that Asma was crying so much...she was weeping and didnt want to let my parents go. She was begging them. However, they had no choice but to let her go. :'(

My parents slowly walked over to the waiting area where I was. My dad was pushing Asma's wheelchair and her belongings while my mom was walking next to him. They both were crying.

We got a private room in the waiting area. We prayed. We made dua'a. We did everything.

We were waiting anxiously. We were told that we would get a phone call (we had a phone inside the private room) from the Nurse informing us of the situation (whether they can remove it or not).

We were just talking to each other. We didnt have our appetites. We had lost the desire to do anything. We just constantly made dua'a and prayed and comforted each other.

The phone rang. Oh my god...the moment of truth...

We looked at each other. We were speechless. Scared. Nervous.

We all simultaneously said, its the nurse.

My dad answered the phone. It was dead silent. You could have heard a pin drop.

My mom and I were patiently waiting for some (good) news.

Then it happened...

The nurse said, "Mr. Haq, the tumor is out!"

My dad, with a huge smile and a sigh of relief gave a thumbs up. He hung up on the phone and stood up.

He looked at us...told us its out and they are finishing up the surgery.

Allahu Akbar... never felt that great before.

My parents started to weep. They were crying...and crying...and crying...

My dad hugged my mom and wept.

He then came to me and we hugged.

Subhana'Allah.

We then had to wait until Asma was in the recovery room. They only allowed the parents to go in. So I had to wait there in the waiting area. Subhana'Allah, that time seemed forever. I watned to just meet Asma and smile and kiss her.

Shortly after, I went in. There she was...wearing the green hospital gown. She was very puffy from the drugs she had recieved. Asma even joked about that. LOL Subhana'Allah, she had a sense of humor even during the most trying times.

Her leg was straight after several months. Prior to her surgery, her leg was always in a 90 degree angle. Imagine ur leg that way for many, many months. Im telling you, Asma was such a brave, strong girl.

Subhana'Allah, the feeling of joy that we had is somethjng I cannot describe.

I later on asked Asma what was her first reaction after the surgery when she woke up. What did she do? Think of?

Asma said, "When I woke up, I was afraid to look down because I didnt know if I had my leg or not. So I just tried to feel it with my hand. When I touched my leg, I was so happy and I knew I had my leg."

Asma was laughing when she said that.

After a few days at the hospital Asma came home. She was very excited as we were all. Subhana'Allah.

When I think back, the time of the surgery was very joyous because we were on our path to the recovery. We thought we "won." I mean, the pathology report indicated 99.9% of the cancer was dead. The surgeon even showed my parents the actual tumor. My parents describe it as one of the most horrifying experience. Subhana'Allah.

However, now that think I about it, that exprience almost seems more like an illusion more than anything. Even when it does seem real, its overshadowed by the fact that shes gone.

I really miss her. I wish she was here. I wish I can kiss her.

Man, I feel like crying. :'(

May Allah Subhanawatalaa elevate her status in Jannah to the highest level. Ameen.
May Allah Subhanawatalaa reunite us with her in the Akirah. Ameen.
May Allah Subhanawatalaa reward my parents for their sabr and faith in Allah. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

"Will you fight for me?"

2005-09-17T09:19:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Asma loved the fact that she had so much support. She knew we would always be there for her. Whether it be at the doctor's office, hospital, store or at some one's house, we were always prepared to be there for her whenever she needed us.

I have lost count of how many times my father went off on nurses and doctors because of their carelessness when treating Asma. Some even made Asma cry. Subhana'Allah.

There was a time when Asma was geting a very high dose of chemotherapy which should be given within a certain time. If not given within a certain time, it can become a life and death situation. Well, the nurse for whatever reason forgot about it and let 9 hours go by before the next dose was due. That was way over time. Asma was lucky to have made it out ok.

Anyways, my dad got so angry and asked for an explanation. The nurse denied and lied to us which made things worse. As a result, my father went off on her and basically got her fired.

To some, it may seem that was harsh. However, when it came to Asma, we didnt care where it was or who it was. If they had disrespected Asma in any way or some how put her life in danger, we were ready to fight for it.

I remember one time the nurse got mad when we asked her to change her gloves after she touched other things and even picked up something from the floor. Heck, even Asma used to tell them to change their gloves or else she wouldnt let them come near her! Subhana'Allah.

Asma didnt want to go any place new without my dad in fear of getting a hard time from people. She knew my dad would be all over them if they mistreated Asma. However, there were times when my dad couldnt make it because of work. Sometimes he had mandatory meetings while Asma would be going in for her dose of chemotherapy.

Asma didnt like that because she was afraid of getting a hard time from people. However, she had no choice but to go without my dad. That was when she would look to me for support. She wouldnt go anywhere without me either. She only trusted to pick up and carry her around. She didnt let anyone else do it; not my brothers nor my dad.

So anyways, as we were going inside the hospital, she turns head and looks up at while Im pushing her wheelchair, and asks, "Tum mereliye fight karoge?" ("Will you fight for me?")

At that point I felt honored that she had asked me that. I giggled a little replied, "HELL YEAH! I will."

She just smiled and said, "Okay, you better."

She felt so relieved when I told her that and reassured her.

Before she had her leg amputated, she spent about a month in the ICU. Subhana'Allah things were very tense and there is a big feeling of uncertainty. My mom stayed with her 24/7. Sometimes my father and I would stay there as well. We would sleep on the couches in the lounge where the TV was.

To add onto that, the environment we had to live in, was very, VERY scary. We always had to wonder what would happen next.

There were three people in particular that made things bad for us. One was Dr. Leyva, a nurse, and a social worker.

It was during the day when the nurse came in and told us that Asma needed to take some pain medicine. I asked "Why?"

With an attitude, she told me its for her pain. I said, "But shes not in pain."

She replies, "You dont know that. How do you know shes not in pain?"

At this point, I was getting irritated and said, "Because she told us she isnt in pain. And whenever she is in pain, she tells us."

The nurse said, "Well shes lying. Shes in pain."

(At this point, in my head I was like, "OH HELL NO, YOU JUST DID NOT DISS MY BABY SISTER.")

I just went off on her. I said, "Look, how long have you known her? For a few weeks. I have known her my WHOLE life ever since she was born. I helped raise her and I know everything about her and I know what she is like. So dont go and tell ME what shes doing and what shes like. Dont ever say that again."

Damn it felt so good to tell her off. I bet Asma was proud of me. Asma was so exhausted and weak, she didnt say anything for pretty much about a month. She just listened to our conversation. My mom was mad too. She was happy that I told her off.

The nurse was shocked. She put her hands up in the air and said, "Im just a messenger and Im just doing my job." as she walked out of the room.

May Allah destroy this nurse. Ameen.

Anyways, a few minutes later, the doctor comes in. She tries to act all smart and casually asks how things are going. Now, come on, we arent stupid. Of course we acted stupid to see where she was going with this.

She then asks me to step out of the room. I did. She then asked me why we arent giving her pain medications. I simply told her because she doesnt need any. She stays quiet and says, "Okay, thanks." as she walked away.

May Allah destroy the doctor. Ameen.

A short while later, the stupid social worker walks in. Wallahi, she probably thought we were some stupid people that didnt know any better.

She comes to me and asks, "Where is your father?"

I replied, "At work."

She then said, "Is there a way your father can bring along a respected member or Imam from your community with him and have a meeting with us?"

At this point, I thought to myself, "What the hell?"

I just said, "I dont know, ask my dad."

She then walks over to my mother and says, "If you need any help financially, please let us know and we will help."

My mom just said, "No. We are fine and dont need any help." I bet that felt like a slap to the social worker's face.

Now, I cant believe the social worker actually had the guts to say this. She told my mom we were torturing Asma by not giving her any medications.

My mom started to cry. She was very afraid. After the social worker left, my mom calls my dad at work. She tells my dad the whole story and he is FUMING.

He gets on the phone with the social worker. This is how the conversation went:

Social Worker: Can you come and have a meeting with us?
My dad: For what?
Social Worker: Regarding your daughter, Asma.
My dad: For what?
Social Worker: We can help you?
My dad: We dont any help. Go away and leave my wife and kids alone.

The Social Worker hands over the phone to my mother and told us that my dad is very angry.

I thought to myself, "You are lucky you didnt get a beating, stupid."

Anyways, we later one found that they were trying to file a lawsuit against us. They were going to sue us because apparently we were torturing Asma. They would have tried to take her away from us. What BS.

May Allah destroy these three witches: the nurse, the doctor, and the social worker. Ameen.
May Allah give them a painful death. Ameen.

Its pains me so much to think about what Asma went through and how she was treated by everyone.

I literally felt like bashing their head into a wall and jumping on their throats until they bled to death.

I always told myself, "Nobody...I mean NOBODY treats my little Princess Asma badly."

I miss her. :(

May Allah reward my parents for being so patient. Ameen.
May Allah reward my parents for protecting Asma from others. Ameen.
May Allah elevate the status of Asma in Jannah. Ameen.
May Allah reunite us with Asma in Jannah. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakauth.

"GO AWAY!"

2005-09-07T11:43:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum,

Asma knew I was terrified of anything living other than humans. Yeah, even the smallest creatures. Apparently, she found it pretty amusing and would tease me about it. lol Back when she didnt have her illness, she would sometimes chase me with little insects, rabbits, and cats.

We had two parakeets. Asma loved to play with them. She sometimes would put her hand inside the cage and play with them or even feed them.

If I was around, she would tell me to put my hand inside their cage. Of course, I would refuse to do it. Asma then would burst into laughter and and literally roll on the floor laughing. lol

Although she found it amusing and sometimes teased me, she would also defend me from other animals. Yeah, it sounds a little bit wierd, but its true.

One of the of the times where she defended me was in Georgia. We were in Georgia for Asma's treatment. We were staying at a house owned by the clinic. Well, the next door neighbor happened to have many pets. One of the cats was named "Cheddar." She was a cute looking cat with orange fur.

Well anyhow, Cheddar fell in love with Asma. It would come over and play with Asma all the time. Asma would have a great time. She would sit her in wheelchair and wheel herself around while Cheddar would walk along side her or circle around Asma.

Well one day I happened to come outside while Cheddar was over playing with Asma. As you probably have guessed, I freaked out as soon as I saw Cheddar.

"Are you scared?" asked Asma.

I replied, "YES. Get it away from me."

At this point Asma laughed and said, "Okay."

As Asma pointed towards Cheddar's home, she shouted, "Go away Cheddar. GO AWAY! I SAID, GO AWAY!! GO!! GO CHEDDAR!!"

As the cat started to walk/run towards its home, Asma turned to me as I was standing there smiling, she said, "Are you happy now?"

I replied, "Yeah!!"

She just laughed and told me to stay with her so she could talk and play with me.

I thought Id share this funny story. Even to this day, I still laugh whenever I think about that.

Damn, I miss those times. :'(

Assalaamualaikum.

Flashbacks

2005-08-22T13:22:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum,

Yup, cant avoid it. School has started again. Its my first day back. I came on and decided to blog because I needed a break and could no longer concentrate.

I have flashbacks of my sister all the time. I have them while Im driving, eating, sleeping, talking, etc. I have them anytime and everytime.

I somehow am able to move on and ignore my flashbacks even when I relive the past in my dreams and nightmares. Sometimes I find myself crying in my sleep, but manage to move on and continue to live.

However, today is different. It all started when I left my house in the morning and got on the highway en route to my school. It was all coming back. I was driving the same van, Toyota Previa, which we specifically bought for Asma, that I sometimes drove to school and to take my sister around in. I was listening to Quran on the CD that I have burned with one of the Surahs being al-Hujarat (same one thats playing in the background in this blog). The morning was nice and crisp with the sun shining. Cant forget the morning dew. It was the same scene as it was five to seven months ago.

That was on my way to school. Once I got to school, it was still the same. I took the same 20 minute walk from my car to the campus. I would think of Asma each and every second. I remember how I used to think of Asma and wondered how she would be feeling while walking to the campus.

Earlier today when I was studying and going over my notes, Asma popped into my head and I was reminded me of her again. I couldnt focus anymore so I decided to come and blog.

I remember how 7 months ago, everyday after class, I would call home and check to see how Asma was doing. I wanted to know if she was having a hard time breathing and whether she was hooked up to the breathing tube and the nebulizer once again or if she was "stable."

Upon hearing about her situation, I would either panic which would cause my heart to beat faster or I would take a deep breath and have a brief celebration and feel a little relieved. There were many times when I thought it would be her last breath.

When going home from school today, I kept thinking of her. I thought about how during her last days when I would come home from school, she would be in bed with her eyes closed hooked up to a breathing tube as she struggled to breathe. She would open her eyes whenever she felt she had enough energy.

Everyday was almost the same. It became more like a routine.

Oh Subhana'Allah, its so hard to be reminded of the feeling that I had experienced when Princess Asma was sick especially during her last days.

I dont want anything that would remind me of it again. I dread going near or even passing a funeral home. Im even afraid of looking at a hearse (the funeral home car). Heck, I dont even feel like going to the masjid where her Salat-ul-Janazah was held. :'(

No matter how hard I try or what I do, I cant avoid those flashbacks. :(

Oh Allah, please protect me flashbacks and thoughts that remind me of the pain and suffering Asma and the rest of the family went through. Ameen.

Oh Allah, please give my parents and the rest of my family shiffa and sabr. Ameen.

Oh Allah, please reunite us with Asma once again. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum.

Is she really gone?

2005-08-16T12:29:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

"Wow, is she really gone?"

Thats what I ask myself everyday. So many things remind me of her. Im even having nightmares/flashbacks. Its really driving me nuts. I dont really tell anyone except for a people like my parents and my very close friends. Im afraid I will just burst into tears and cry my lungs out. Sometimes Im scared to talk about my sister and how I miss her. I really wonder many times if I will end up in a mental hospital in the future. I really dont know how my parents do it. Masha'Allah, such great courage and faith in Allah they have.

May Allah reward them. Ameen.
May Allah grant them Sabr. Ameen.
May Allah grant them Jannah and raise their status to the highest one. Ameen.
May Allah forgive them and keep them on the straight path. Ameen.

Whenever I go to the cemetery to visit her, I sometimes am left bewildered. I mean I never in a million years would have thought that Asma would die and I would lose her.

Its pretty uncanny to see her name written on her grave marker. There it is...her grave marked by a marker with her name, "Asma Haq" followed by the dates reading, "Oct. 9, 1992 - Feb. 11, 2005."

Subhana'Allah, can you believe it? Shes gone. Shes history. Shes forever gone. :'(

I have no one to wake me up 3 in the morning and tell me to go to the grocery store and buy her candy.

I have no one to call me every 5 min and tell me to do something. :(

Another thing that makes me miss her so much is the fact that she isnt here to talk to me about life...problems.

When you have people going around talking about you and your personal life and bash you both privately and publicly, you need some one to talk to.

When you have people going around spreading rumors and slander/backbite you and your personal life, you need some to believe you and know the truth.

Asma did both. She talked to me and believed me and knew what the truth was. Even though she would tell me not to care, she would be there to share the pain and/or anger with me.

Wow, Subhana'Allah...shes gone. :(

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

One More Time

2005-08-05T15:31:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

So I just got back from the cemetery. I went there after I prayed Jummah.

While going there, I kept thinking about the day she had passed away. Subhana'Allah, everytime I think about it or go towards her grave, my heart beats faster. I have this indescribable feeling inside of me. Its a feeling of helplessness and lonliness. Its a feeling of emptiness.

It may sound wierd when I say that I feel lonely and empty because I dont have my 12 year old sister any more. I may sound wierd coming from a 23 year old guy. However, she was one of the closest person to me in my life.

She knew stuff about me that sometimes others didnt. She would even try to help me get out of trouble from my parents. lol Subhana'Allah.

Most of all, she gave me advice when I needed it most. She lent me an ear when no one else did. She was there for me whenever I needed her.

While on my way to the cemetery, I kept thinking about the moment when we prayed Salatul Janazah and viewed for the final time. I vividly remember that after we saw and kissed her for the last time, I wouldnt let them close the casket. I told them I want to kiss her once more.

In my mind, I figured that I will give Asma many kisses so that later I wont think that I wished I can kiss her again. So as they were closing the casket, I said, "Abhi ruqay." ("Stop right now.")

I proceeded to give her a kiss. As I planted my lips on her cold, sweet-scented cheek, I didnt move for a good 5-7 seconds. 5-7 seconds may not seem much, but it was. Everyone was just watching and waiting for me to get up.

At the time I thought that I gave her enough kisses and I wouldnt wish later that I could give her more kisses. Well, little did I know that now as I type this, it feels like I only gave her one kiss.

I just want to kiss all over her fluffy, whitish/pinkish, cold, sweet-scented cheeks and her forehead again. I want to hug her once more. I want to run my fingers through her hair like the way she asked me to do so when she wanted to go to sleep one last time.

One more thing I wish I can do once more to her...say, "I love you."

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

In Memory of Asma Haq

2005-07-28T23:06:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

I received this poem from a friend of mine. He received this poem through email from a person who wants to remain anonymous. It really touched my heart and really did make me want to cry. Before I post it up, I ask Allah Subhanawatalaa to reward and keep this person on the straight path. Ameen. I dont even know the person who wrote this. Subhana'Allah. Anyways, here it is:

In Memory of Asma Haq

I. Her once bright eyes were glazed over
as she watched the quiet tears
which dripped painfully
down her mother's face
she tried to read her brother's expression:
his heart torn- his doll did not understand
should not understand
he stroked her silky locks
looking into her youthful eyes
and then he looked away

II. She giggled as she leapt onto
the living room sofa
he chased after her,
his twinkling eyes betraying his feigned anger
his smooth beard neatly separated
into small ponytails
their tinkling laughter filled the small room
as she tugged at his feminine facial hair

III. He held her in his brotherly embrace
as she basked in the tranquility
of his deep, strong voice
delightfully met moments later
by the sweetness of her own
they peacefully harmonized,
enveloping each other in their warm presence
on a cold January night

IV. Her intent stare made him uneasy
seemingly naive interrogations made him quiver
"so what if I don't have my leg,
I can still hop on one foot"
amputation made his conscience squirm
and she laughed out loud

V. His concerned gaze scanned
his doll's innocent face
she looked up and ran her soft palms
to wipe the creases that formed
on his worried forehead
she moved aside the tyrannous tube
to plant a small kiss upon
the tear-stained crimson of his cheeks

VI. musty air greeted his nostrils
as he bent at her bedside
stroking her delicate fingers
and savoring the sweet chime of her voice
for a last time
her calmness was felt on shallow
breaths in the palm
her gaze dropped in quiet realization
and her dark eyelashes eclipsed
the soft light from her irises
she smelled faintly of a newborn

VII. white sheets failed to conceal
her timeless beauty
and fearful faces could not serve as barriers
to carefully planted kisses
they breathed in her calm presence
and quiet tears slipped down their faces

VIII. he nearly suffocated
as grief gripped his heart
quiet comprehension dimmed the light
as his piercing gaze penetrated his doll's lifeless form
knees weakened, his head met earth
cool water thrust his way as panic ensued
and reminiscence ripped him apart

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Sabr

2005-07-15T14:55:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warhamutallahi Wabarakatuh,

One of many things that I have learnt from Asma is the fact that she NEVER, EVER complained about anything including her illness.

Looking back, ever since she was diagnosed with cancer until the day she passed away and was taken back by Allah Subhanawatalaa, she never complained.

She was bed-ridden for over about three years, yet no word or sign of any complaints or resentment.

She used to peek out the window and watch her school bus come and go every morning and afternoon, yet remained silent.

She used to watch her little cousins run around and have fun at parties as she sat on the bed or sofa and cheered them on.

She used to watch girls her age ride bikes around the block while she sat in her wheel chair.

There is one incident that really sticks out and shows how brave and courageous she was. She gave up her leg. Her leg was amputated all the way up to her hip.

When she got her leg amputated, we were afraid to face her. We were afraid because we didnt know what to tell her or what to say. We didnt know what she would experience or feel. We didnt know how she would react. We were afraid she would be hit with depression.

Anyways, her leg was amputated. It finally happened. We feared the day her leg would be amputated. But it happened. There was no looking back.

So my father said something about her leg being amputated. Asma's response blew us away.

Asma said, "Daddy, tho kiya howa? Mein aik taang se tho phir bhi hop karsakthi hoi." ("Daddy, so what? I can still hop with one leg.")

Allahu Akbar. I was in awe. Even now as I type this, Im speechless. The courage and patience that she had was unbelievable. Subhana'Allah. I really can learn from her.

She mentioned that little boy in Iraq whose all four limbs were lost as a result of the bombing by the U.S. He also lost his family including his parents.

Anyways, Asma went on to say that she feels so much pain and is very sad to see the little boy lose his limbs. She said that the fact that she had lost her leg is nothing compared to what the boy had little lost.

Subhana'Allah, look at that. Atleast myself, I freak out at the thought of breaking a bone or even losing a finger.

Im put to shame. Subhana'Allah. Im glad Asma came in my life so that I have a reminder of how we should have sabr regardless of what happens.

Asma, regardless all the trials she went through, always smiled and remained steadfast. She uplifted others spirits and gave their confidence a boost.

I know how much she wanted to walk. I was able to tell by her facial expression and the way she acted sometimes. However, not once did she complain or even utter a word of resentment.

Subhana'Allah.

Oh Allah, raise Asma's level and status in Jannah. Ameen.
Oh Allah, give us sabr and shiffa. Ameen.
Oh Allah, reunite us with Asma in the Akhirah. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Questions.

2005-07-10T12:05:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

Subhana'Allah, when I think back about what Asma and I used to talk about, I laugh. I also cry. But I also cringe.

I cringe because I think about how I used to get goosebumps when Asma asked me questions that normally, a child wouldnt ask.

Its not like she was depressed or angry. She asked me casually as if she was asking me for a piece of candy. To her, it was no big deal. Subhana'Allah.

I still remember one day I was driving my parents and my sisters, Aysha and Asma, to Devon Avenue to get food and go shopping for Asma. Prior to that, we had visited Lutheran General Hospital for her doctor's appointment to see if she is doing ok.

Anyways, I was driving, my mom was next to me in the passenger seat, my dad was behind me, Asma was next to my dad (she loved sitting next to him), and Aysha was all the way in the back.

Out of nowhere, Asma asks, "Daddy, agar mein marjao, mujey kown ghusl dhay ga?" ("Daddy, if I die, who will give me a ghusl?")

She just asks casually. Of course, we were all held back and speechless. I look to my mom and shes on the verge of crying. My dad is in the back looking out the window thinking God knows what. I could see the sadness filling his face.

My dad just told her not to think like that. I mean, what else can you say?

Then a shortwhile later, she asked, "Agar, mein marjao, mein Hell may jaongi?" ("If I die, will I go to Hell?")

My dad turned to her and asked why she had asked that.

Asma replied, "Isli hay kay mein nay namaz miss kardi thi." ("Because I missed a prayer.")

Subhana'Allah. :(

Then on other separate occasions, Asma has asked me many times questions about her leg ever since it had been amputated. She would ask me questions about it usually when we would pass a cemetery while driving.

She would ask me if I saw her leg after it was amputated. She also asked me, "Meri taang kahape bury howi vi ay?" (Where is my leg burried at?")

Sometimes she would also ask me, "Agar mein marjao, mujey meri taang ke paas bury karange?" ("If I die, would they bury me by my leg?")

Asma was such a curious person. I remember one time she asked me, "Jub Qiyamaat aye gi, meri taang hoi gi?" ("When the Day of Judgement comes, will I have my leg?")

Whenever Asma would ask questions about her leg, I would feel my stomach turn. I also admired Asma for her strength and resilience. I mean her leg was amputated all the way up to her hip, and she is still acting as if its no big deal. Subhana'Allah.

She would ask me details of what it was like when I went to bury her leg (Insha'Allah I will make a post about that later). It seemed as if it was something cool to her. She would smile and laugh. Subhana'Allah. Im speechless.

She also asked me something that I didnt know how to answer, if at all. She would ask this often. She always asked, "Agar mein marjao, tum rogay?" ("If I die, would you cry?")

Whenever she would ask me that, she would laugh so hard. I tried to keep a straight face and told her not to talk like that, but inside I was torn and didnt know what to say or think.

She would then say, "I know you would cry. I know you would because you love me so much."

I would just smile and try to change subjects. :(

One thing that I will always remember that she told me was when she said, "You know what? After I die, besides mom and dad, I know you will cry the most for me?"

I said, "Uhh, why do you say that?"

Asma said, "Well because you love me so much and care for me so much and took care of me all the time and used to carry me everywhere and you became close to me."

Subhana'Allah, I swear when she said that, I felt like I was on the top of the world, but at the same time I wanted to cry so much.

Asma would just laugh when she would say that. Apparently she found the thought of me crying pretty amusing. lol She always told me that I think I am mature and act all macho when really Im just an immature kid. She used to tease me about that. lol Yeah, it was funny.

Asma was such a smart person. She could read peoples eyes and know what they were thinking. Something I'm learning to do now...

I think Im going to go visit her...

May Allah grant Asma the highest level in Jannah. Ameen
May Allah give my parents sabr and shiffa. Ameen
May Allah give my family and myself sabr. Ameen
May Allah reunite us with Asma again. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Surat al-Hujrat and al-Naba

2005-06-21T12:48:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Everyday I think of Asma. I think of her when I wake up, throughout the day, and before I go to sleep.

Every little thing reminds me of her. The van she used to sit in, the bed she used to sleep on, the remote control for the TV, her clothes, shoes, the tray she used to eat on, her breathing tube (yes I still have it) basically everything and anything.

There are two Surahs really remind me of her. One of them is al-Hujrat (one that is playing on this blog) and the other one is al-Naba by Mishary Rashid Al-Efasi.

I used to play al-Naba in the car and put it on repeat so it would keep playing. We played it the whole time when we left Chicago to go to Georgia. Then from Georgia we went to Texas and from there we went back home to Chicago.

The whole time we played al-Naba and it was pretty much set in our minds. I even played it in the car when I used to take Asma to rehab after she had her leg amputated.

So whenever the Surah would play, she would recite it too in a melodious voice. She knew where to raise her voice and where to lower it. She recited it better than I did. lol

The reason why al-Hujrat reminds me of Asma is because during her last several weeks, this is all that played throughout the house. We have downloaded it onto our computer and we played it 24/7 on the computer. It was even playing when she passed away.

My father starts crying whenever this Surah starts playing because it automatically reminds him of her and death.

It makes my heart beat faster when I listen to it. As I feel empty inside, this Surah boosts my Imaan.

May Allah reunite my family and I with Asma. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

A Quick Reminder

2005-06-07T10:10:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Many people have contacted me (and some have asked me in this blog) if they can give this blog out to others.

I have no problem with it as it is definately a reminder to us that death can happen at anytime. I can speak from personal experience that this has truly become an eye opener and is a constant reminder.

Also, one of the purposes of this blog was to tell people about Asma and give them an idea of who the girl was that they prayed for.

Many people around the world have made dua'a for her and the family and even went as far doing things for her. Writing about her and telling others about her is the least I can do.

So, feel free to let others know. Contact me at haq_omar@hotmail.com if you need to ask me anything else.

By the way, I'd like it if you let me know where you have given this blog out just for my own curiosity.

Jazak'Allah khair and may Allah Subhanawatalaa reward you all. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Bitter Reality

2005-06-07T09:14:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakauth,

I still remember it so vividly as if it happened yesterday. I will never forget the day we found out she was diagnosed with cancer.

It was Thursday, May 31st, 2001 around 5:00 PM when we recieved a phone call from Asma's doctor. It was a warm, sunny day and we all had gotten done eating.

Asma had been to the doctor's office earlier in the day for x-rays and blood tests because of some symptoms that she had been having. Asma actually had been having pain in her knee 6 months prior while the doctors just ignored it. Her knee started to swell and kept getting bigger. She even started to limp.

Anyhow, the doctor calls with the results. My dad had answered the phone as we were all nervously sitting there waiting for results.

My father was quiet pretty much throughout the conversation with the doctor. I noticed he took several deep breathes. It was becoming clear that something was wrong.

I still remember what my doll was wearing and what she was doing. Asma was wearing a navy blue jump suit with a t shirt underneath. Her navy blue pants had a baby blue stripe on each side while her sweater-like jacket was buttoned together. She was wearing a white shirt underneath with a necklace around her neck.

Her long, silky, straight hair was pushed back with a hair clip. She was such a beauty.

She was lying down on the floor with her back to the floor. Her head was resting on the cushion. She was anxious to know the results as well.

My father hung up. He looked over towards Asma and got up. He slowly walks up to her. As he walks towards Asma, he reluctantly tells us she has a tumor. Just as he said it, he broke down and starts bawling.

He kneels down and reaches over to Asma. He gets a hold of Asma and brings her close to himself and wraps his arms around her. He keeps crying and wouldnt stop.

He keeps saying, "Ye meri phool hai. Ye tho pooray khandaan ki jewel hai." ("Shes my gem. Shes the jewel of the family.")

My mom starts crying too. She doesnt know what to do. She is in shock and cant believe it. I could tell her she had the sense of helplessness in her.

My brothers, Aysha, and myself were all in shock. Literally, I didnt even know what was going on. I thought to myself, "How can Asma and tumor go together?"

I swear, that day it felt as if my whole world came crashing down. Asma is my world.

While we were shocked and in tears and left speechless, Asma was confused. She didnt know what was going on. She didnt know what a tumor was.

She looks to my father and mother while they were crying and starts to cry herself.

I still remember her exact words. She said, "Aap mujey dararay hai. Kia howa?" ("You are scaring me. What happened?") She said this while she weeped. It broke my heart to see her cry like that. I wanted to cry. I want to cry now. :'(

We, however, didnt tell her about the tumor.

We all just sat there trying to figure out what had happened and what to do next.

A while later, I went over to her and laid next to her on the same cushion. We smiled and laughed and sang songs to each other. She put me to shame with her sweet, melodious voice. lol She would laugh at me when I started to sing. Then we would start joking around.

A while later she started to recite all the Surahs she knew along with the dua'as.

I wish I can relive that moment again where we laughed and enjoyed each others presence.

The next day we were supposed to get a report around noon saying that she indeed did have a tumor.

We were in denial and had hope that maybe its really nothing and the doctor was just fooled by the mark on the x-ray.

Friday came. I had prayed Jummah at the Naperville masjid. I called as soon as I got done praying. I was sitting in the car as I called. I asked if the doctor had called to tell us anything.

Well, our fears became a reality. She did indeed have a tumor. I hung up. I put my head down and start to cry. I couldnt believe it. Subhana'Allah I never thought this would happen.

The only times I heard about it was on TV or on those commercials where various hospitals raise funds for cancer research.

I went home and found everyone quiet with tears in their eyes rolling down their cheeks. Asma was quiet, but didnt seem to really know what was actually going on. She was quiet because we were sad.

Little did she know, that was the beginning of the end...

May Allah Subhanawatalaa grant her the highest level in Jannah. Ameen.

May Allah Subhanawatalaa reward her for the patience and faith in Him that she had. Ameen.

May Allah Subhanawatalaa give my parents, Aysha and the rest of the family sabr and strength to get through this trial. Ameen.

May Allah Subhanawatalaa allow us to use this as a reminder of death and let us prepare for it. Ameen.

May Allah Subhanawatalaa forgive us all and guide us to the right path. Ameen.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Memories of Asma

2005-06-04T08:30:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Everyday is a stuggle. Theres not one day that I go on without thinking of her. She was a part of my routine. She was my life. Everyday when I used to get up in the morning, I used to think to myself, "What do I need to do for Asma?" or "What is Asma doing right now?"

I would plan my schedule according to what Asma wants and needs.

Now that shes gone, I feel empty. I feel like theres a big chunk missing. Now that I come to think of it, I actually miss doing things for her. I miss taking care of her. I miss her telling me what to do and when to do it.

At this point, I think back and reflect upon the times that Asma and I had together.

We had some of the best times together. We would watch TV together, joke around, talk about funny inicidents, tell each other funny stories of us when we were little, or simply laugh so hard that our stomachs would start to hurt.

She loved to talk. Many times if I started to get up to go do stuff, she would literally tell me to sit down so we can talk more. lol Subhana'Allah I miss that.

Sometimes in the end, I would start to get tired and just shut my eyes in the same bed where was sitting to watch tv or talk to me. The next thing I know is that I feel her soft, little fingers run through my hair and massage my head. Within a few minutes I would fall asleep.

If she got bored while I was sleeping, she would pinch my nose shut and wake me up. As I would get up trying to breathe, she would laugh. lol We both would laugh.

Or sometimes she would play with my beard while if I was asleep. She would make pony tails out of my beard. LOL

She wouldnt say anything though. She would just quietly giggle as she watched me get up. When I would see her giggling and looking at my face, I always knew something was up. So I turn to the mirror and there I was...pony tails in a beard. lol Thats where she would laugh so hard.

To anyone, it may not seem much fun. It may not seem like that was fun. But to me, its something I would never give up for the world. I will cherish those moments for as long as I live. Im so glad I had the honor of being her brother and being to able spend that quality time with her everyday.

So now when I wake up everyday or before I go to sleep, instead of trying to schedule my day according to what Asma wants and needs, I think of the times I had with her and smile while I try to cover the tears.

I love her very much.

May Allah Subhanawatalaa grant her the highest level in Jannah. Ameen

May Allah Subhanawatalaa give my parents sabr and shiffa. Ameen

May Allah Subhanawatalaa give us sabr and shiffa. Ameen

May Allah Subhanawatalaa reunite us with Asma soon.

May Allah Subhanawatalaa give my parents the best of both worlds; this dunya and the hereafter. Ameen

May Allah Subhanawatalaa give my sister Aysha strength and sabr to deal with losing her best friend, Asma. Ameen

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Saturay, February 12, 2005: Last Kiss and the Final Meeting

2005-05-09T23:33:00.000-05:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

Part I

I woke up around 5:45 AM. My mom had woken me up. I look up and all the lights were on. It felt so wierd. I couldnt believe my sister was gone.

I get up with this weird feeling. It was the feeling of being alone...feeling of being depressed.

I walk out of my room to my parents room. All the lights are on. My mom had just taken a shower. My father was sitting on his bed where Asma used to sleep. He was crying. He was bawling. He was looking for her. He was asking where she had gone. He kept saying how she left us.

I went and took a shower. I got ready. The sun had already risen. My chacha (my dad's younger bro) was at hour house. My mamoo (my mom's younger bro) was there as well. Few minutes later, Humera came to our house. She knows my mom and has met Asma a few times.

Around 7:30 we left and headed to the funeral home, Brust Funeral Home, to give my doll, Asma, a ghusl. It took us about 30 minutes to get there. We finally got there. It was so wierd. The fact that I was just outside the building where Asma was in didnt seem real.

We go in. We were met by the worker at the funeral home. He was also the one who led the funeral procession.

Soon, these two elderly Muslimahs came and greeted my mom. They were crying. They hugged my mom and made dua'a.

The worker led us to the room where Asma was kept in. It was a small, cold room.

There she was...in a stretcher right next to the white ceramic washing table. She was partly covered with a sheet over her. My heart was beating fast and was anxious to see her.

My parents, Aysha, and I all walked over to her. I noticed her leg was bent. It wasnt straight. I freaked out. I was thinking how would I be able to straighten it out again since its probably stiff and hardened.

My mom and I walk over and uncover her. We slowly try to straighten her leg. To our surprise, her leg is as soft as it can ever be. It straightened without any problems.

I look at her. She looked so peaceful. Shes very beautiful. She had this unique scent/fragrance coming from her. I just bent over and hugged her and held her in my arms. I kissed her. I cried. :'( I never felt so alone before. The thought of letting her go was killing me.

Her casket was sitting on a cart with wheels on the side of the room. We had placed the Kafn in the cakset so we can just put her in and wrap her with Kafn. My father and I were told to leave the room so they can go proceed with the ghusl.

We wanted to make sure the ghusl was according to nothing but the Quran and Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad Salallahu Alaihi Wasalam.

There were a total of five people who gave Asma a ghusl. It was my mother, my sister Aysha, Humera, and these two other Muslimahs who came from the local masjid to help us out. May Allah reward them. Ameen

I walked downstairs with my father in the waiting area. My chacha and mamoo were sitting there. We sat down.

I turn to my father and asked what if Asma was mad at me. As I cried, I told him I didnt have a chance to ask Asma for forgiveness. He asked me if Im nuts. He said that Asma was very happy with me and was very close to me. I guess that helped me a bit.

My father continued to talk about Asma with my chacha and mamoo. I was getting phone calls from people so I stepped by the front door to talk. Everyone was calling me about the time and location of the Janazah.

About an hour, hour and half passes by and my father and I are called to help push the casket out to the main viewing area.

We went up there. We waited for a few minutes while they did the final touches. My father and I exhanged memories of Asma and talked and laughed a little bit while we thought about Asma and our memories of/with her.

They finally opened the door. I got up and we walked over to the room. Everyones face was red and were teary-eyed. I can tell they were all crying when washing Asma.

My father, my mother, myself and I think my mamoo and chacha helped push the casket out to the floor. I opened up the casket.

There she was. Shes very beautiful and gorgeous. She looked so pretty in her Kafn. The Kafn was placed in a way so that it also covered her hair and acted like a hijab. Subhana'Allah.

She smelled so beautiful. Masha'Allah. I have never smelled something so nice before. Subhana'Allah.

It was very emotional. We were all sad and crying.

The viewing was only for the family (including the extended family) members. We didnt want anyone else to see her. We had the Quran playing in the background.

As time went by, more and more people were coming.

We would cry often. We would cry and then stop crying. This cycle happened all throughout the time.

My mom was sitting on the bench-like sofa and wad all depressed. She was surrounded by other my mom's sisters, in-laws, Aysha, and Humera. Her friends were there too.

She wanted to see Asma before we closing the casket. She would slowly walk towards Asma as sisters were following her. As she was near Asma, she stops.

All of a sudden, she bursts into tears and was crying. Few seconds later, she starts to fall and is losing conscious. She is falling foward. Alhadmulillah I was there to help her. I was in front facing her so I held on to her. However, I need help.

I yelled out to my older bro, "BHAIJAN...BHAIJAN...BHAIJAN...JALDI SE IDHAR AO. AMMI KO PAKRO!" ("BRO...BRO...BRO...HURRY COME HERE. HOLD MOM!").

He comes running and holds her from the back. He picks her up from the back by her arms and I hold her from the front.

We carry her back to the couch. We set her down. She faints. We are all worried and dont know what to do. There is a huge chaos.

Someone takes some water and splashes it in her face. Someone also lightly taps my mother on the face. She wakes up. Alhamdulillah.

She was just sitting there expressionless. She was motionless. She didnt even blink. Literally. I think thats when the shock really set in.

No one knew what to do. Humera then takes a lighter and lights it up. She placed it under my mom's nose. My mom all of a sudden snaps out of it and looks around. She blinks and shakes her head a little bit.

I was sitting to her right. She turns to me and asks, "Wo chali gai?" ("Is she gone?")

I was sitting there surprised. I didnt know what to say or how to answer that. What do I say? Do I say "Yes" and give her another shock or do I lie and say "No" and give her false hopes?

I didnt know what to do. So I just thought for a few seconds and while smiling, I responded by saying, "Wo apne naye gahr me chali gai." ("She went to her new home.")

She didnt say anything then.

She just wanted to get up again and walk over to see Asma again as we were about to leave soon. She gets up and continues to slowly walk over to Asma. This time, my older brother and I were hold my mom from each side and helping her make her her way.

She finally got up close to Asma. She wanted to touch and kiss Asma. There people there telling my mom not to do that.

I thought to myself, "What the hell? Why not?"

So my father told my mom to ahead and kiss her. I was ready to push people away if they tried to stop my mom from kissing her. My mom kisses her and touches before we were about leave.

I kiss her as well. So did my father, brothers, and Aysha. It was a very emotional time. Wow Subhana'Allah.

We cover her face and close the casket. We all headed out the door to our cars. Islamic Foundation is no more than 10 minutes from Brust Funeral Home. In my van, its my parents, Asyha, Humera, and Almas aunti (I used to drop Asma off to Almas aunti's house to read Quran). Everyone followed me.

Part II

We arrive at the masjid. We pray Dhuhr. There was one other deceased at the masjid.

After we prayed Dhuhr, friends come and embrace us especially my father. Many people know my father around here.

I come out to get Asma out of the hearse (funeral home car which carries the deceased). My cousins and uncles were there.

I had told the driver of the hearse in advance not to take her out until I was there.

So they were waiting for me. I went there to the Caravan hearse. The driver took out the cart for us to place the casket on. Then we rolled the casket inside. As we entered the lobby of the masjid, we used the elevator to go down into the basement of the masjid where the Salat-ul-Janazah was going to be held.

ALLAHU AKBAR! I had never seen so many people at a Salat-ul-Janazah before. There must have been around 700 people. I was amazed and surprised to see the count.

Everything was ready and set to go. However, there was a small dispute.

Some guy comes up and tells my father to let the Imam of the masjid lead the prayer.

My dad was like, "Why? Shes my daughter and I will be the one to lead the prayer. If the Imam or the son of the the deceased lady wants to lead the prayer, thats perfectly fine, but I will lead the prayer for my daughter."

The guy was like why are you doing this? Just let it go.

My dad was getting angry. The son of the deceased lady said that he wanted my dad to do it as well.

So, my dad explains the procedure and then led the prayer for both of the deceased at the same time.

After that, my family and the sisters including the women that didnt know us, tried to look at Asma for the very last time.

Everyone got a chance to look at her. My mom's best friend, Parveen aunty, came from Florida to see Asma. She was crying so much.

Everyone got a chance to see Asma. Then, my family got the last chance to look at Asma again. We kissed her. Again, people were trying to stop my mom from kissing Asma. I was getting mad.

I mean her daughter is going away forever and here she is trying to kiss her and touch her while people are keeping her from doing just that. I made sure, however, that my mom got to do that.

We all kissed her goodbye for the very last time. I told myself it would be the very last time I would kiss her. Few seconds later, I stopped them from closing the casket so I could give Asma more kisses. This time, I sort of took my time.

We finally wrapped covered her face again and closed the casket. We pushed her casket towards the elevator and made our way out the masjid through the door. My mom was crying so much. She couldnt help it.

Part III

So as we came outside, we put Asma in the hearse. The driver explained the directions and the procedure to us.

I got my parents, Aysha, Humera, and Parveen aunty in my van. Shortly afterwards, we got in line behind the hearse. People had already started to form a line behind the hearse. However, they stopped the traffic in the parking lot and made room for me so that I was able to get behind the hearse. The hearse was on the otherside of the parking lot so I had to drive a little bit to get there cutting through cars.

After a few minutes, we started to leave. We had to be going about 20 mph the whole way.

Subhana'Allah, I was speechless. I had never seen a procession so long. The procession was literally about 2-3 miles long.

It was so long that the police had to come and block the traffic so the procession wouldnt be disrupted.

Subhana'Allah, people were amazed. They have never seen anything like that either.

The procession was about 40 minutes long.

We arrived at the cemetery. Her grave was already dug and the workers were waiting.

Her grave was right by the pathway. Literally, some one can park their car right by her grave. Her grave was in the Muslim section of the cemetery. Asma's grave is the second one in the Muslim cemetery.

We parked and got out. All the Muslimahs were in the cars. We opened the door of the hearse and took out Asma's casket. All the brothers got around and wanted to carry her casket. We all took turns doing it.

We placed the casket onto the cart with belts that is used to lower the deceased into the ground.

Everyone was just standing around the Asma's grave. I was just looking down as I stood besides my father. I couldnt believe it. It slowly settling in. Subhana'Allah, something I will never ever forget. I still remember my father and how he was crying silently. Everyone had grief on their face; even people that didnt know Asma.

They slowly lowered her into the ground. Once they did that and removed the cart from the site, it was time to put the dirt over the casket to bury her.

I started off by taking a shovel. I shoveled the dirt three times and handed it over to some one else.

After I handed the shovel over, I started to walk way from the grave. As I did, I all of a sudden started to cry. I bursted into tears and started to cry. Next think I knew, I was on my hands and knees on the ground. I couldnt believe it. Something was happening to me.

All I could see was people running toward to help me. I didnt look up. I was looking down. I saw a bunch of shoes around me. Everyone was around me. I still remember a brother was trying to comfort me.

He said, "Brother, why are you crying?? Are you crying because she passed away or because you miss her?"

As I cried, I replied, "I miss her so much. Shes gone and I miss her."

He replied back and said, "Brother, be happy for her. Shes grants Jannah, Insha'Allah. Shes out of pain. You really think she wants her brother to be sad?"

What he said made sense. I dont doubt that. However, the emotional attachment that I had with her cant be explained. No one can know how I feel. No one can be her brother.

Same way I dont really know exactly how my parents feel because I dont know what its like to lose a child.

My older brother, Talha ran to the van in which my mom was in. He got a gallon of water and a plastic cup. He gave me water to drink.

He told me to stop crying because my mom was watching me from the van and was freaking out. He told me that my mom was going crazy and didnt know what to do.

He told me that my mom was worrying because she couldnt do anything for me and I was in such a bad state.

I finally got a hold of myself and stopped crying...or atleast controlled it.

All the dirt was over the casket. She was buried. She was laid to rest.

People made dua'a for her and the family. There was also a short speech given by a brother, Ashfaq Maqsood, my dad's friend. People were moved by it. People were scared of death and wanted to change. ALLAHU AKBAR.

Slowly, people embraced my father and I and my brothers. They started to leave. Soon, we were the last ones. I was the last one to come. I sat briefly by Asma's grave and made dua'a for her and the rest of the family.

We left. I took pictures of her grave before driving off.

We soon got home. The cemetery is about ten minutes away from my house. It soon became night time and we were all alone again...

...another night without Asma. Something we had to deal with. She isnt coming back.

I love her so much. Shes my little doll. I will always remember her. She inspired me to do many things...being a good Muslim was one of them.

May Allah Subhanawatalaa grant her the highest level in Jannah. Ameen.

May He reunite us with her. Ameen.

May He give my parents shiffa and sabr. Ameen.

May He give my brothers, Aysha, and myself sabr. Ameen.

May He keeps us all on the straight path and clear our hearts of evil and fitnah. Ameen.

May He instill knowledge in our hearts and allow us to act up on the Quran and Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad Salallahu Alaihi Wasalam. Ameen.

I love you Asma...

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.

Day of Friday, February 11, 2005: Departure of Asma

2005-02-28T15:47:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah,

It was the morning of Friday, February 11, 2005 when Allah Subhanahwatala had taken Asma back.

I came home after dropping my 16-year old sister, Aysha, off to school around 8:00 AM. I was about to go jump in the shower and get ready to go to school as my father and mother were sitting by Asma giving her nebulizer treatments to help her breathe. She also had an oxygen tube at the tip of her lips to help her breathe.

I came home and sat on the couch near Asma's bed where she was 24/7.

I asked my dad, "How is Asma doing?"

He just shook his head and shoulders implying that she wasnt doing well. It was becoming a part of the routine where she would get these treatments twice daily. She would cough for six hours straight many times.

Once my father told me that she wasnt doing well, I looked over at her and noticed she was taking shallow breaths and struggling to breathe. Thats when I figured that something was up and I immediately started to feel nervous and scared. I decided to stay home with Asma and my parents.

She hadnt slept for the last three nights. She spent her days coughing with no end in sight.

She was recieving fluids through IV to keep her hydrated. In fact, she had a new line put in two days prior, on Wednesday. We were all surprised on how well she did during the surgery. The doctors werent very confident and told us that she may not be able to survive the surgery.

Anyhow, my father turns to my mother and I and says, "Shes on her last breaths."

Even though I didnt say anything, I was torn and worried inside. Allah only knows what my parents were going through. I cant even imagine.

It was around 10:00 AM when she ordered my parents and I to get out of the family room (where she used to sleep). We thought she wanted to sleep because she was exhausted and was being disturbed from the noises we were making. So we all walked over to the living room.

Of course, we couldnt leave her alone, we tried to take peeks at her and checked what she was doing. After several seconds, she calls my dad into the family room.

She began to turn her head and look around the room as if something was present. She never moved her head that way partly because she was very, very weak and partly because of her condition. She was laying straight on her back as she always did because of her condition. Without getting up, she made this circular motion by turning her head over and over without saying anything. She would look to her right, left, up, and down. She would try to look at the whole room. She would then look out the window and at the top of the T.V. stand.

My father noticed that there was a Quran sitting at the top of the T.V. stand with the picture of the Kaba on it. He thought that she was being distracted by it and started to move it away. Asma quickly shook her head and finger implying to leave it there. She would then turn her eyes at the window and then at the Quran and did this repeatedly.

After a few seconds, she said, "Daddy aap ka naam kia hai?" ("Daddy, what is your name?")

My dad at first thought she had a stroke or was going into a coma because she was losing her mind.

My dad says, "Mein aap ka daddy ho." (I'm your daddy.")

Asma says, "Nahin, aap ka naam kia hai?" (No, what is your name?")

My dad getting consfused, says, "Mein Asma ka daddy ho." (I'm Asma's daddy.")

Asma getting irritated, said, "Nahin, aap naam kia hai?" (No, what is your name?") as she raised her voice a little out of frustration.

Then finally, my dad replies by saying, "Mein thumara daddy ho, Zia...Zia ul Haq." (I'm your daddy, Zia...Zia ul Haq.")

After he answers her, Asma turns to my mom was standing next to my dad and Asma.

Asma asks the same thing. She said, "Ummi, aap ka naam kia hai?" ("Mom, what is your name?")

My mom says, "Mein aap ki ummi ho." ("I'm your mommy.")

Asma then says, "Nahin, aap ka naam kia hai?" ("No, what is your name?")

My mom then said, "Mein Asma ki ummi ho." ("I'm Asma's mommy.")

At this point, Asma was getting frustrated and asks again, "Nahin, aap ka naam kia hai?" ("No, what is your name?")

Finally, my mom says the same thing as my father, "Mera naam Shaheen hai." ("My name is Shaheen.")

Asma then turns her head back to the normal position. When Asma was asking my parents their name the whole time, she had her hand up towards each of them when they were being asked. Her hand was shaking because of the lack of control and due to her weakness.

She then gives her hand to my father so he can hold it. My dad then holds it and massages it and kisses it. He asked her if she had said the Shahada/Kalimah. Asma nodded her head.

He asked Asma if she can forgive him for anything and everything that he did wrong. Asma said he didnt do anything wrong and she forgives him.

Asma, with her big, beautiful, sparkling eyes looks at my dad as if she wanted something. My dad automatically knew she wanted him to hold her and hug her.

My dad then held her in his arms and hugged her. Asma took her last breaths while he held her as her soul was being taken out.

My mom was standing to my dad's left and I was standing to my mom's left.

My dad moved his back so that my mom couldn't see and nodded his head to me implying that she was gone.

I had this sense of shock inside of me. I was confused.

My dad tells my mom to removed the IV. My mom thought that my dad wanted the IV to be removed because it was done.

My mom said, "Ok, give me needles and the other stuff so I can flush her line out."

My father and I exchanged stares and felt sad and didnt know how to break it to my mom.

My dad told my mom that she wouldnt need to flush it (because Asma had passed away). However, my mom didnt understand what he meant by it.

As my mom was removing the IV, my father and I started to remove all the medicine and the medicine table away from the area. He then called the doctor to inform them of what had happened and what the next step should be.

As he was removing all the medicine, it started to sink a little that she was indeed, gone.

I felt as if I was frozen inside...as if I didnt have any concept of feelings. I was numb.

We told my mom that Asma was gone. She didnt seem to want to believe it.

My dad told me to cover Asma with the blanket that she used to use. I did. I moved the blanket up from her toe to her head.

My mom yells out, "Nahin, nahin, utaro isko! Wo abhi saas lay ri hai." ("No, no, take that off! She is breathing right now.")

Again, my father and I exchange stares filled with sadness and the feeling of helplessness.

I hugged and kissed Asma. I held her in my arms. I still was numb.

As I was looking at her beautiful face and kissing her, I realized two things about her:

1. She had a smile on her face. It was clearly a smile.

2. She had this very nice, newborn-like scent coming from her as soon as she passed away. There was no doubt about it.

We made sure her arms and leg were all straight because usually the deceased person becomes very stiff shortly after.

At around 11:05 AM, the paramedics and the Woodridge Police Department had arrived. There were about 15 Police cars if not more, an Ambulance, and a fire truck. All were lines up all along the streets. We live at an intersection inside the subdivision so there were cars at both streets. Literally, no place for more cars.

Even though my father and I full well knew she had passed away and wasnt coming back, the paramedics by law had to recessitate her. They asked for a "DNR" form which stops them from recessitating her. We didnt have it.

Well after about 15-20 minutes, they stopped and she wouldnt come back.

At this point, my younger bro, Zeshaan, came home with Aysha. I had called Aysha's school shorty after Asma passed away and told them what had happened and to allow my bro pick her up.

When Aysha came home, she ran inside the house screaming and crying and ran towards the family room. The police wouldnt let anyone come near Asma until the investigation was done. She just cried with my parents.

We called the Islamic Center of Naperville (masjid) nearby to make arrangements for Asma's funeral/Janazah. They contacted the Brust Funeral Home to make arrangements. Once we talked to the funeral home as well, they came to our house to pick up Asma.

As they were going to take her, my mom told the to wait so she can clean up Asma.

"Whenever I used to send her out of the house, I always used to do her hair and clean her up and make her look nice. Well, I want to do her hair and clean her up and make her look nice before I send her out of my house for the very last time," said my mom while crying.

So my father, mother, and I cleaned her up. We took the catheter and bandages out. My mom cleaned and washed her up and did her hair. After we did all that, the funeral guys brought the stretcher over by her bed.

I didnt want anyone to pick her up because no couldve done it safely. The funeral guys would be rough and wont know how to do handle her.

As I was picking up Asma, I heard the fluids in her lungs move. We think that may be the main cause of her death.

I proceeded to lift Asma. Since she was lifeless, she had no control whatsoever over her body. It was loose. My dad held her foot and my mother held her head. I moved her over to the stretcher and laid her down. They covered her up and zipped up the body bag.

That was probably one of the hardest things to see ever. To see you baby sister get zipped up in a body bag, took the life out of me. I was torn inside. It was starting to set in and finally realized what was happening.

Well, they made their way out of the house towards the hearse (funeral car).

Asma left my house for the very last time. She isnt coming back. Shes gone for good. I wont get to see her again in her bed. She will never call me and tell me to do things for her. I will miss all that. Actually, I already do. :(

As they put Asma in the hearse and started to drive off, my mother started to run after the car. My dad had to go by my mom and stop her.

Subhan 'Allah, it was such a sad sight. It breaks my heart even now when I think about it.

It was about 1:05-1:10 PM and almost time for Jummah. My father, Zeshaan, and I got ready and left. My mother and Aysha were home. I was afraid for my mom because of her health. I made sure that Aysha would watch over my mom and stay with her.

Imran Baig, President of ICN, made an annoucentment informing others about Asma. They made dua for Asma and my family.

Afterwards, both random and people who knew us came and embraced us and gave their condolences.

Shortly afterwards, we went home. We didnt want to be anywhere but home. We just wanted to be with our family.

I was told to call people and inform them of what had happened. It was a hard thing to do. I didnt know how to break it to them. I didnt know how to speak. However, I managed to do so.

People were shocked. They couldnt believe it. Some started to cry on the phone. I didnt talk much. I just informed them and said I had to go. I had no interest in talking.

My brother had gotten home from work which was about an hour, hour and a half away. I had called him soon after Asma passed away. No answer. I left messages at various places and he eventually called back. My dad broke the news to him. He was schocked as well. He came straight home.

About 10-15 minutes later, people started to come over. We had nothing but feelings of emptiness to share. We exchanged glances of sadness. We were speechless. We just hugged and weeped.

More and more people were coming over. Phone calls after phone calls. People from the around the world were calling...literally.

It was becoming dark and the day was heading into the night. It was cold. The house was full. People whom we didnt even know were showing up. The streets were full of cars. There was no end in sight.

It was becoming sad and depressing. First night without Asma. :'(

Most people were there until about midnight. Some were even there till 2 AM. Eventually they all left except for my cousin, Kashif. He slept over.

I slept upstairs. Didnt want to sleep. Scared of living my life without her. Sad for missing her presence. I wanted to yell and scream and weep and break things, but I had to stay calm for my parents.

I fell asleep around 3 AM. I kept thinking about how and Asma would be doing at the moment. I kept thinking what Asma's soul be doing.

That was my very first night without Asma in my life.

The depression had begun to set in...

She was the doll of the house. She brought joy and happiness to our lives. It now almost seems like a dream that lasted for 12 years and now its over.

Words cant describe how I feel.

I miss her and love her so much...

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallah.

Dedicted to Asma

2005-02-28T14:32:00.000-06:00

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh,

This blog is dedicated to my baby sister who passed away on Friday, February 11, 2005 at 10:30 AM. I am not a big fan of blogs, but the reasons I created this are the following:

1. I can always remember every little detail about everything and anything that happened with Asma for the rest of my life.

2. Im tired of answering peoples countless number of questions about Asma.

3. Its my way of dealing with the loss of Asma.

I may update this everyday, every week or every three months. It just depends on my mood and how much time I have.

This blog will deal with anything and everything that involves/involved Asma and my family.

Some rules for this blog before I begin:

1. Please do NOT create any fitnah in any way, shape, or form. This isnt intended to be some form of getting involved with haraam activities. If you want create fitnah, go elsewhere. This is only about Asma and my family.

2. Your comments/thoughts/suggestions/questions are appreciated and welcome. However, if you are going to post anything pertaining to Islam, please provide daleel (Quran and (Sahih) Hadith). Otherwise, it will be removed.

Assalaamualaikum Warahmutallahi Wabarakatuh.